Page 89 of Done with You

“Even though they got me the help I needed, I knew they were ashamed of my dyslexia,” Triss said. “Never wanted me to tell anybody. Nobody in the family outside of the seven of us was to ever know I had a learning disability. I felt like I had this dirty secret. Like there was something wrong with me.”

Mieka’s head bobbed emphatically. “The same with my ADHD. I got the help. Got on the right med concoction, but heaven forbid I ever told anyone I had ADHD. Mom got so mad at me one time when I almost blurted it out at a family dinner at Uncle Raffi’s house. I’ve never seen her face get so tight or so red.”

“I remember that,” Triss said.

“We’ll never be more than five disappointing embarrassments,” Rayma said. “I acknowledged that a long time ago. Still having a hard time making peace with it, but I’m working on it.”

Oona took a deep breath and stared down at her entwined fingers in her lap.

“Oons?” Mieka said. “You okay?”

Oona’s lips twisted. “Since we’re, you know … sharing, I may as well tell you guys that Russell used to beat me.”

A few gasps echoed around her, but she didn’t look up from her lap.

“He liked to drink, and he used to hit me when he’d had too much. Then he started to do it even when he was sober. So … you know, it wasn’t just the disease that made him a shitty person.” She swallowed hard and took another deep breath before speaking again. “It took a lot for me to get away from him. I had to have a plan. An exit strategy, because he had moved himself into my apartment. Into my life. He was controlling and belittling. He stole from me and cut me off from my friends. I stopped sleeping with him and he didn’t take that well.” She licked her lips, not ready to meet the gazes of her sisters, so she focused on the sleeves of her cardigan and bunched them in her fists. “So then he started cheating. Which I was fine with. Honestly.” She risked a glance up and made brief eye-contact with each of her sisters. “I videotaped one of his attacks and that was what finally landed him in prison. He’s out on parole now, though.”

“Oons,” Rayma said beside her, inching closer and wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “You’ve never said a word about this before.”

Oona huffed a mirthless laugh. “There’s that shame again. Mom’s voice in the back of my mind asking me what I did to provoke him. What could I do to not upset him.” She snorted. “Breathe was the only answer I could come up with. If I stopped breathing, if I stopped existing, that would not upset him.”

“Did you …” Triss started to ask, but Oona cut her off with a head shake.

“No, I never attempted to take my own life.” She laughed humorlessly again. “And the reason behind that, and this sounds so wrong, was that I figured I had spent way too much time and money on my education to just throw it all away.”

“And there are people who love you and would miss you,” Pasha added.

Oona nodded solemnly but didn’t look up. “I never thought of that. How fucked up, huh?”

Rayma squeezed her tighter. “We get it, though. And holy fuck do I ever hear that voice in my head. All the victim blaming. The shaming and chastising.” She made a derisive noise in her throat. “You know when I was kidnapped, bound, and gagged, and fearing for my life, all I heard in my head was my internal voice blaming me and saying, ‘You should have done this … Why didn’t you do this?’ It was an endless shame loop. And I still hear it when I do something dumb. Even drop a vase or a plate and it smashes. And I know Mom’s disappointment in me put that voice there.”

Glancing up at her sisters again from where she’d been studying her jean-clad lap, Oona spied damp eyes and small drops rolling unchecked down Triss and Pasha’s cheeks.

“You know, since we’re sharing our deepest darkest secrets, I figured I might as well jump on the bandwagon.” Oona tried to laugh it off, but Rayma just squeezed her tighter and leaned her head against Oona’s.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Rayma said.

“Me, too,” Triss whispered, swiping at her cheeks with her palm.

Mieka’s lip trembled and she nodded. “So sorry.”

“I’ll have Heath and Chase look into Russell, keep tabs on him. Get some eyes on him in Montreal. Now that we know what he’s capable of and that he’s out, he’ll never really be a free man.” The resolve in Pasha’s voice was laced with both anger and pain. Pain she probably felt for Oona, pain in not knowing about Oona’s suffering until now, and pain for their family that the shame their parents projected onto them ran so deep that Oona didn’t even feel like she could tell her own sisters what was happening to her.

Well, not anymore.

“No more hiding,” Triss said. “No more secrets. Not from each other. I will never shame any of you. I will never judge you. I will only support, love, and lift you up. No more hiding.” More tears slid down her cheeks and before they knew it, they were all crying.

Pasha’s lips twisted and she glanced at Rayma. Rayma nodded in encouragement. “It’s okay.”

Swallowing, Pasha sucked in a deep breath through her nose, then glanced at Triss. “I’m not trying to spook you, but it’s something to be aware of, since your due date is coming up.”

Triss cocked her head to the side.

“A few months after Eve was born, the postpartum depression hit me really hard. Along with the postpartum anxiety. I’m talking dark, dark thoughts. My temper was out of control, and poor Raze and Heath got the brunt of it. There were some days I couldn’t get out of bed. Other days where I refused to leave the house.” Fresh tears slid down her cheeks. “But after we figured out what was wrong, I got medicated and spoke with Joy for a long time. The counseling sessions helped. I’m still on a low-dose anti-depressant, and I’m honestly not sure I’ll ever go off it. I’m a better mom and wife because of it. I have coping tools. I have patience and I can recognize when things are tough, and I use my tools to keep myself from spiraling.” Her gaze flicked between all of them. “But it was bad. Like really, really bad for a while.”

Rayma nodded. “I was scared I was going to get a call from Heath that you’d—”

“I know,” Pasha said quickly. “I was scared about that, too. That I’d go that far. I certainly had thoughts about it.”

---