Page 5 of Troubles

Gracyn plops down on the couch with a bottle of water and a bagel, scrolling through her phone, her body swirling as though the world spins around her. I toss my wet shirt into the laundry basket and start peeling my beer-soaked bra off. “I’m gonna shower off before bed, you okay?” Gracyn doesn’t even look up from her phone as she waves me off.

While the water heats up, I stare into the mirror, assessing myself. I take a deep breath and remind myself to stop focusing only on my faults. I try to see myself through someone else’s eyes, but I end up falling into old habits, finding my eyes too wide, my boobs too big and my thighs too thick. I twist my hair up into a messy bun, not wanting to bother with drying it tonight.

I step under the spray and let the warm water fall over my shoulders, washing the stale beer away.

I knew something would happen eventually.

It’s been some kind of a game to see who could humiliate me more since we broke up. Can you even call it a breakup? Was I supposed to let Rob just have his fun with Maryse until they were done? Or wait until he picked the time most beneficial to him and his fucking political aspirations to publicly break up with me? I think not. Catching them in the act on Christmas Eve was all the humiliation I needed.

But this is the new me. One my family didn’t expect, the me they didn’t think I was capable of being. I walked as far away as I could in this little town, from the toxicity that is my family—the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally. Gracyn has a theory that Maryse is jealous of me but that thought is ridiculous. I can’t help but laugh at that as I step out of the shower and make the usual comparisons. Height, hips, and hair—I’ve been told since forever that she is the standard and I fall short in every way. I’m still working on being okay with me just the way I am.

By the time I brush my teeth and fall into bed, the sun is ridiculously close to rising. I burrow down into my crisp sheets and close my eyes, thankful that I don’t have to work until late in the afternoon. On the edge of asleep, I feel my bed dip and hear Gracyn mumble, “Not gonna talk about it?”

“Talk about what, G?”

“Any of it—all of it. Rob and Maryse. You think they asked Tyler to do that, to embarrass you at McBride’s?”

“When did he change, Gracyn? When did he become this pompous asshole?” I know I missed all the signs. I was too busy working to pay my rent, buy my books—too wrapped up in keeping my own GPA up for my scholarship.

Rob’s finishing up law school with a position already waiting for him in his father’s law firm, Barrett & Barrett. It sounds far fancier than it is—that second Barrett in the title, that’s Rob. When we started dating there wasn’t any of this pretentiousness. He was just a normal guy who wanted more. Wanted to make his dad proud by following in his footsteps, make a difference in the world.

“Mmm…about the time he started dating your sister? All of those people are evil, Lis. You’re better off without them.” It seems simple enough when she says it, but knowing how little my mom and sister—let alone my dad—consider me hurts in a way that I can’t just shrug off. “Even the most perfect little families have skeletons. At least yours are all out in the open.”

The mattress bounces as Gracyn flops over to face me, her waggling eyebrows contrasting with her drunk, droopy eyelids. “Let’s move on. Francie’s new guy—you gonna tap that? It’s time to move on.”

“Jesus, Gracyn. Really?”

She falls onto the pillow and her breath evens out. She starts to snore, leaving me staring at the ceiling thinking back over the past couple months. How crushed I was. How my mother implied it was my fault that Rob cheated on me.

You’re too independent, Lisbeth. If you had made yourself more available to Robert, been more interested in his goals like your sister is, he wouldn’t have looked to spend time elsewhere.

After that, I really had nothing to say to her. Anna Rittenhouse has an unbelievable talent for rationalizing everything to suit her purpose. And her purpose once again, was to boost up her favorite daughter, Maryse.

Gracyn is the one who put me back together. She spent Christmas with me like we usually did, but instead of hanging out in our apartment after family dinner, laughing at Maryse and my mom, Gracyn consoled me. She sat with me on the floor handing me tissues until I ran out of tears. She filled my wine glass until we ran out of that too.

She went down to McBride’s and made sure Francie knew what had happened. She also talked Finn out of finding Rob and taking care of him for me. They were my true family. These people who wrap me up in love and support that I’ve never felt from the ones who were related to me by blood.

I wake up with Gracyn’s hair across my face and a desperate need for coffee and greasy food. “Unng—are you drooling on my pillow?” I whine, shoving myself out of bed to head for the kitchen.

“Coffee…” The morning drama with her is real. She’s capable of little more than grumbling until she’s had her caffeine.

“Go take a shower. You smell like the stale beer and we have to work—” I look at the clock on the microwave and groan. It’s almost one o’clock. “—soon. We have to work soon.” I start the coffee and drink down a full water bottle as fast as I can. I’m not hungover—I slept through that whole thing—but I’m thirsty, and tired, and a little sad.

Gracyn shuffles into the kitchen, her hair wet and her eyes still half shut. “Are we going to the diner for food or straight to the bistro so Tony can cook for us?”

“Diner.”

“Or should we go to McBride’s and get food there? You can flirt some more with…” She looks at me over the top of her mug, searching her fuzzy memories for his name.

“Aidan. His name is Aidan. And no, I’m not going there, I’ve gotta get through the rest of this year, graduate and get a job that pays better.” I turn away, looking for my car keys.

“Lissy, you’ve got to start dating again sometime. He’s perfect—TDH, muscles for days, and probably only here for a minute.”

“TDH?”

Gracyn shrugs like it should be obvious. “Tall, dark, and handsome, sweetie. He can be your rebound, no pressure.” She’s serious. How can she be serious about this?

“For the love of God, Gracyn. No. I’m fine.”

---