Page 31 of Troubles

20

Lis

Iwalk out of my test exhausted and emotionally spent. I feel really good about the test itself, but I’m wiped out and I have to work all weekend to make up for the days I spent studying. Maybe, though. Maybe I’ll get through this.

Maybe.

The weekend passes in a blur of sleep and hours upon hours spent mixing drinks. Aidan left for a shoot and will be away for a few days. It’s built-in space. The space I usually crave to get my head on straight and in the right place. And I don’t want it. Sex changes everything, but I’m feeling like it’s a good change and I find myself wishing time away.

Grades for Friday’s test won’t be posted until tonight, but I still feel really confident that I did well. Anything above a B and I’ll stick it out for the summer session. The bistro is slow and I settle in to study. Aidan is meeting me here for dinner and then, who knows. I know this is scary territory. I’ve opened my heart to him. I’ve let him in.

Jenna pulls me out of my textbook. “Lis.” She nods toward the front window. “You waiting for someone?”

“Who is Lissy waiting for?” It’s so slow in here tonight that Tony’s left the kitchen to his sous chef and is having dinner with Jenna. I don’t know if it counts as a date if you own the restaurant and cooked your own entrees, but that’s what they’re doing.

I bring Tony another beer and look out the window watching Aidan cross the street toward the bistro. Toward me. “Who’s that?” Tony’s gaze going from me to the man who’s wiggled his way past my barriers. The man who takes days off from work to help me. The man who’s made me feel important.

My smile spreads across my face, when he finally looks up and his eyes meet mine. I lean my body toward the window—feeling the pull to him—when his steps falter. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he stares at the screen for a beat. That same look he had last week washes over his features. The look like he’s holding things together, but just barely. His shoulders rise with tension as he stops and puts the phone to his ear. Closing his eyes, he pushes the air from his body like he can push whatever news he’s getting away with it.

My stomach twisting, I slink into a chair at Jenna and Tony’s table and watch as Aidan pivots on his heel, turning back to cross the street. With nothing more than a small wave thrown my way, he disappears around the corner.

Aidan

“Aidan, I’m…I’m pregnant.” Even knowing the words are coming doesn’t prepare me for the level of devastation in her voice. “I’m… I don’t know what to do.” Lorna’s words are nearly drowned out by her tears.

“Lorna, love, shhh…it’s okay.” It’s okay. It’s good, really.

Weaving through people, I make my way back to my car and lean up against the side, clinging to the hope that I can sort this quickly and get back to Lis.

“It’s not, Aidan. I can’t do this alone. This was supposed to happen with Michael, not by myself. I’m all alone.” She’s sobbing, now. Unable to catch her breath, she hiccups through the miles and my heart breaks all over again.

Resigning myself to the fact that I’m not spending my time with Lis tonight, I get in the car and head home, hoping the flat is empty or at least quiet. It might be time to think about getting my own place.

“Lorna, you’re not alone. You’ve your parents and mine. You’ve family and people who love you within arm’s reach. And now—now you have a piece of Mick too. This is what you wanted. What you both hoped and prayed for. Shhh…you’re alright.” Hearing her devastation through the phone and not being there to make her a cup of tea, hold her hand while she cries, is so much harder than I thought it would be.

We’d spent the two weeks from Michael’s diagnosis to his death in a shocked version of that. Holding on while letting go. I’d been scheduled to leave on assignment when he’d called and asked me to come over. The whole thing was unreal. Cancer sucks.

“Lorna…Lorna,” Not sure she can even hear me through her tears, I call to her softly, trying to soothe her, trying to calm her. It’s late in Dublin. There’s a good possibility she’ll end up crying herself to sleep. And then what? Christ.

I’d needed the space, distance, from his death to get over the shock. To grieve. But I’d not thought or planned for this. This may well be too much to talk through on the phone.

Heading straight through the flat to the kitchen, I pause to stare out the window. The neighbor’s kids play in their garden. Heart heavy in my chest, I reach for a beer, opt for a whiskey, and go sit out on the deck. The warm humid air even feels sad wrapped around me.

“Will you talk to me? I need you to talk to me, just like before, like we did a couple months ago. Teacht anois.” Come now.

“…I miss him so much…” There. We’re making progress. “Aidan, what am I going to do?”

“Lorna, you’re going to have a baby. A piece of Michael, a piece of his heart to hold close to you for the rest of your life. You don’t ever have to give him up, now.” Lord, don’t let that compound the sadness. “Tell me the good stuff. You’ve been to the doctor, yeah?”

My hand goes to the back of my neck, squeezing as I wait for her to say yes. To let me know she’s at least done this—Christ, she’s got to be four? Five months along? I don’t know.

“When are you due?”

Lorna sighs. “November…the end of the month.” She sniffs, but her voice is starting to sound stronger. “I heard the baby’s heartbeat, and all I could think is that Michael should be with me. God, he’d be beside himself.”

It feels like hours that we talk. About everything, about nothing, about my brother’s baby and how she’s going to be just fine. She needs to talk to both sets of grandparents—I can’t believe she’s not told them yet.

“Lorna, you need to take care of yourself. Think about how excited they’ll be.”

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