Page 68 of Knot Your Rebel

I need to think.

I need to feel something other than this pit of helplessness forming in my gut.

Taking a deep breath, I step under the scalding heat of the shower. Water beats on me from above as I take the small piece of silver to my inner thigh. The previous scars have healed, leaving behind tiny white lines, but I know just where to go to make it better.

Water beats down on me, drowning out the tears leaking down my cheeks. Life isn’t supposed to be this hard. Why did they have to die? What did I do in my lifetime to earn this? To be left with these feelings. Every step I take forward takes me five steps backward when I spiral. I haven’t felt like this in months, but memories drag me back into the abyss.

Misery echoes in the very chambers of my mind, reminding me that I’m nothing. Reminding me that I’ll never be more than the child left behind, than the one who was sexually assaulted for months, having to keep my mouth shut so it didn’t get worse. I had to endure things no human should have to experience in this life.

Why do I continue?

My feelings towards Tate have me jumbled up, not knowing what to do. I’m spiraling. I want to trust him, but I’ve been hurt before. What is there for me to believe that he won’t leave me when he’s done with me? I’m tired of thinking of the fear of someone stalking me and now stalking my best friend. Who is now hurt because of me.

I’m slowly fragmenting here, and how long will it continue?

I can’t…. Another sob tears from my lips as I press the blade to my skin. Red rivulets trail down the inside of my leg, diluting with the water before washing down the drain. Crimson tracks are left in place of the blood.

I thought this would give me some sort of relief. It used to, but today, I feel so damn empty inside.

The tears fall harder as I clutch the razor in my fist before falling to my knees on the shower floor. The tile is cold against my skin as I collapse, but I don’t try to stop myself. I hang my head and let the water rush over me.

It’s all I hear.

It’s all I know.

I watch as the blood on my legs turns clear, and I feel the burn left behind by the cuts. It stings to the touch. I shouldn’t be pushing my finger into the abused skin, but I do. Because then at least I feel it. No matter how bad it hurts, it reminds me that I’m still here. I’m still alive. Despite my thoughts about ending it.

I’m too much of a coward.

I miss Drake. Where are you? I speak the words into the steam surrounding me, but I already know there will be no answer. He shut me out years ago, and I haven’t heard from him since. He’s not coming back. It’s just me and my thoughts right now.

I close my eyes, letting the water stream over me. “Rebel!” A voice calls to me through the fog of my mind, but I’m too numb to fully register what it’s saying. “Fuck it, Rebel!”

It’s Tate. I know it has to be him, but I don't want him to see me like this. It’s just another reason for him to leave me. He’ll see what I’ve done, the scars, and he’ll leave me like the rest did.

I give him a weak go away, but of course, he doesn’t. Because he’s Tate. Because despite his craziness, he’s my mate. Maybe his crazy knows mine better than I thought.

The shower door flies open, cold air reacting, raising goosebumps along my skin. Tate sinks to his knees in front of me, still in his clothes. The water soaks through his clothes instantly.

“Fuck, Rebel.” He grabs my face and tries to make me look at him, but I squeeze my eyes tighter so I don’t have to see the look of disappointment, of pity. “Look at me.”

I shake my head. I can’t.

“Yes. Rebel, look at me. I need you to see me. I’m here, baby. I’m right in front of you.” I shake my head again, but he pleads. “Please, little firebrand.” The nickname pulls open my eyes, and I find the worry shining through his topaz orbs. “Rebel…” I don’t know what grabs his attention, but when he looks down, he reaches out to touch me but stops, his expression shattering. “Fuck, Danger.”

His voice cracks as he tugs me to him, grabbing the razor and throwing it away from us. He’s warm to the touch. “If you need to hurt something, baby, hurt me. Cut me. I’m here for you, and I’m not fucking going anywhere. I didn’t know it was this bad. What happened? What triggered it? Was it Nova?”

I can’t answer so I just nod my head as another sob bursts free.

“You are not alone, Rebel. I will kill anyone who tries to touch you. I promise on my dying breath, you have me. I’m not going anywhere. I swear it.”

“Why?” The question slips out. I have to question why he’d want someone like me when there are so many other omega’s out there so much better.

“Because you were mine that first night I saw you at Sips N’ Shots. You were mine the second time I saw you at my party. You were mine when I sunk my teeth into this gorgeous neck and finally claimed you as mine. You’re a part of me, and that will never change. Making you mine was the best decision I’ve ever made in this lifetime, and I would do it time and time over again if I needed to.”

He leans down, breathing against his mark on my neck, and licks it. “Don’t,” I whisper, but it’s too late. He bites down again, teeth tearing through my skin a second time.

Lifting up lightly, he whispers to me, and I can feel the blood dripping onto my skin. It’s warmer than the shower that's starting to run cold. “You feel that, Rebel? Feel me. Be with me. Fight for me. Fight for us.”

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