Page 76 of Knot Your Rebel

I dip my head from side to side. “I know with one hundred percent certainty that I am in love with you. I knew it the first night at the bar where I watched you drink yourself silly. I knew it when I walked into that bathroom and saw you helpless on the floor. I knew when you brought me a fucking glittery pink box full of cameras. It’s why I bit you. Why I refused to wait to mark you. Should I have? Probably. But I didn’t want to wait. I wanted you, Rebel. I fucking still want you, and no matter what shit comes up, what parts of your past try to haunt you… I will still be here, holding your hand, standing beside you. If you fall, I’ll catch you. If you break, I’ll put the damaged pieces back together. If you need to cry, I’ve got the perfect shoulder for it.”

Tears form in my eyes from his sweet words.

“I know we haven’t been together for long, but I like what we’re trying to build here.”

“Me, too,” I whisper the truth. Because I am. I like that he’s sweet, but he also doesn’t treat me with kid gloves. I like that he doesn’t pity me.

“Maybe we should wait on going to the hospital today. It’s been a rough few hours.”

I shake my head. “No, I need to go. Even though I’m going to feel guilty. I need to know how my best friend is doing after dealing with something meant for me. I need to make sure she’s okay.”

Leaning forward, his lips touch my forehead, and he leaves a gentle kiss. “Okay, then we’ll go. You going to change?” He grins. “I mean, that's my favorite outfit of yours. You in my shirt, nothing else, or you just plain naked, but I really don’t want to kill anyone today.”

I thought it was a weird thing for him to ask until I look down and notice the only thing I’m wearing is his shirt. Yeah, probably not the best idea for a hospital.

Twenty-five minutes later, we’re pulling into the parking lot of the hospital. My heart races as he parks the car. I have the urge to beg him to turn around and run, but I remain silent. I need to do this. He tells me to wait as he gets out of the car and walks around the front, opening my door for me, and offering his hand when he gets to the passenger side.

Tate doesn’t let go of my hand all the way into the hospital. Not while we’re checking in. Not when we stop at the nurses desk to ask which direction Nova’s room is in. Not when Gunnar jumps up from his chair in the waiting room and walks over. He’s a strong, steamy strength I didn’t know I needed.

“How is she?” I swallow the lump in my throat.

“I won’t lie to you. She’s pretty banged up. She gave him a run for his money. The important thing is that she’s still here, and I got there just in time.”

A tear slips down my cheek, and I can’t wipe it away fast enough. Hearing his words tears me up inside. He reaches out to reassure me, but a growl slips past Tate’s lips, warning him against it, and he swipes his hand back like he’s been burned.

“Well, let’s go see her.” Gunnar turns on his heel, expecting us to follow. A quick glance at Tate confirms he’s not going anywhere. A squeeze to my hand lets me know he’s here for me. So, I take that first step, and then another, followed by a third. Before we know it, we’ve stopped outside a door. “I’m just going to warn you. It looks a lot worse than it is.”

I gulp and nod my head, preparing myself for the worst. The door slides open slowly, and the air around us feels heavy, weighted. Dread pulls in my gut. Hospital staff bustle up and down the hallway behind us, but I can’t pull my eyes away from the room in front of me.

The sound of the steady beep beep beep of the machines hits my ears first. The almost bitter smell of antiseptic touches my senses, and my nose wrinkles. I’ve always hated that smell.

My eyes swivel over the hospital room, taking in everything before me. A TV plays quietly in one of the corners. Some stupid reality TV show on it. That’s definitely Nova. She lives for drama. The seat beside her bed sits unoccupied, just waiting for someone to take it. Machines are hooked up beside the bed, providing their own sort of metronome. Tick. Tick. Tick.

My best friend lies helpless in a bed of crisp white sheets. Her eyes are closed.

“Code Blue. Room 506. Cold Blue. Room 506.” The words blare through the speaker right over my head, and I cringe. Turning towards the hall, I’m a bystander to orderlies speeding down the hall with a crash cart. Doctors follow behind, yelling orders and giving times.

I think about the patient on the other end of the situation. Code Blue is normally a cardiac arrest code. I’ve watched enough doctor shows on television to know. Do they know? Are they aware that their heart is failing them or are they in the space between life and death? Do they see a white light at the end of the tunnel, and are they walking towards it or fighting it? I shouldn’t be wondering these things.

I’m here to see Nova, to make sure she’s okay. But I can’t get my brain to stop spinning. Every thought rises to the surface, forcing me to acknowledge it. A firm hand on my lower back brings my attention back to Tate, and he smiles down at me. A pinch of concern is visible in his eyes.

“No, but I will be.” It’s the God’s honest truth. Right now, I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay since the moment I found out my best friend ended up in the hospital because of my selfish desires. Tate can tell me til he’s blue that it’s not my fault, but things have always been my fault. Why would that change now?

Pulling me into him, he tucks my nose into the crook of his neck, and I inhale him like a drug. His scent is like a gentle breeze winding its way through the maelstrom of my mind. Being close to him keeps the demons away. At least for a little while.

They’re always in my rear view, and like this morning, they always pop up. Taking his thumb and pointer finger, he lifts my chin to him and leans in, pulling a kiss from my lips. It’s tender yet unwavering in its strength and promise of safety. A promise that everything will be okay, and I truly hope it will be.

I let myself fall into his reassuring comfort, holding on with both hands. The weight of my anxieties, all the uncertainty, every demon dissolves into ether. He’s a safety vest in this sea of life where the waves keep crashing. The tide comes in and goes back out. Steady, constant.

He brings me back to life with each press of his lips. Reminding me of his promise to keep me safe. To be my anchor. To trust him. To be the one who is there when the rest of the world falls away. He’ll be the last one standing with me.

A throat clears behind me, grabbing my attention. A blush crawls up my face at being caught because I don’t know if it’s Nova or Gunnar who’s done it. “Can you all, like, get a room or something? I know I’m in a hospital with a readily available trash can, but that doesn’t mean I want to use it, okay?” A smile forms on my lips. That’s my Nova. Straight to the point.

I turn around, my heart in my throat as I look her over. She has bags under her eyes from the lack of sleep and stress. She has bruises littering her body, and all I want to do is pull her into me and hug the shit out of her.

Walking over to the side of the bed, I take the empty chair from earlier and lean against the bed. She reaches out to grab my hand, and suddenly, I can’t make eye contact with her. The guilt creeps in as bile forms in the pit of my gut. You’re the reason she’s here, the voice in my head reminds me.

She squeezes my hand, and I still don’t want to look. My eyes trace the bruises on her wrists, each divet and fingerprint-sized black mark.

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