Page 146 of Raven

I nod. I get it. “Did you hate me for blackmailing you?”

Her little smile is sneaky. “I thought we figured out that wasn’t the case.”

“Apparently,” I say. “Did you hate me for trying to get to you in that way?”

She shakes her head. “That’s not it. After all those weeks… The last time we talked, when you found out that you weren’t the only one in on the secret, it hurt to see that you still tried to get what you wanted by force.”

“Because I thought you wanted it too.”

“Is that why?”

She doesn’t believe me, and she is right. So I tell the truth. “Because I thought I wouldn’t get a chance with you if I didn’t push or bribe you.”

We are naked, facing each other. That means neither of us can walk away from this conversation.

Maddy rises a little to rest her head on her palm, her elbow on the pillow. This brings her face slightly above mine.

“You never asked, Rave,” she says softly, her gaze holding me hostage. “Do you realize that? You never asked me what I wanted.”

“I wanted more, Maddy.” So much more of you. “Not just sex.” Feelings overwhelm me again. “But I knew what I could get, and I’m good at making deals.” I don’t look away, even though it’s the scariest thing I’ve felt in a while, telling the truth to this beautiful girl. “I never expected to get involved like I did. And when I realized that I was too far and in over my head, I was paranoid that if I did ask and heard the wrong answer, the truth would be too hard to swallow.”

I go quiet, already having said too much.

“You walked away, Rave. From discussing what happened. You never came to me to explain how you felt. You never asked me what I wanted. You brought up what we had but dismissed what we felt. And afterward, I couldn’t feel anything but hurt that you gave up.” Her gaze is so vulnerable that I want to kneel before her. “I don’t want to feel that way ever again. I don’t want to not feel you next to me,” she says in a whisper that resonates like an explosion in my heart.

I feel like a tiger in a cage that finally broke free.

“I tried to write to you, to explain,” I say quietly.

She frowns, not understanding. Of course, she won’t.

“A letter, explaining what I was feeling, where I went wrong. I wrote numerous ones, even came close to bringing one to you. And then…”

I remember her hugs with Bo and Guff and realize how stupid jealousy and anger can get the worst of people.

The way she holds my gaze warms my chest. It’s different from that hurt gaze after the meeting with Archer. Like she sees me differently from before, and I don’t get it. It crosses my wires. Something burns in my chest. It’s that silly hope again.

“Maybe I was a coward,” I say bluntly. “Tell me how to fix this, Maddy. Us. I’m not talking about the deal but what we could be beyond this. Tell me it’s a possibility.”

Being honest never felt so scary. She doesn’t reply, and just in case she is about to say something that will break me, I kiss her softly, like a peace offering.

She pulls back. “If we are doing this, us, there is one rule.”

“Are you trying to make a deal, Maddy?”

“It’s not a deal, Rave.”

I don’t understand then, but I’d better let her talk. My stomach tingles, and a fluttering creeps into my heart.

“We can’t do this if you are with other women, Rave.”

The words jerk me slightly up, and I raise my head from my forearm and prop it with my fist. “What?”

She licks her lips, and I think she is nervous. “If we are together, there can’t be any other women.”

“I haven’t been with anyone.”

She nods, avoiding my gaze. Is this her admitting that she is jealous of someone?

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