Page 140 of Raven

Her eyes are glistening. But surely, it can’t be tears, or if they are, then I hurt her feelings.

I smirk. “You are disgusted with my words?”

She wants truth? Oh, it’s ugly. So, I carry on the verbal assault.

“You know what else I feel these days? Anger. I haven’t been so angry in a long time. I hate it. I hate it with all my heart, because I knew from the start that I never had a chance with you. Nothing but some sort of deal. I hate that I knew all along that it would fuck me up, but I still carried on. I knew that it would fuck up someone else, and it did. Him.” I point at the building where Sonny is. “I know you think a low life like me couldn’t have it any other way. And I'm sorry you feel that way. I’m sorry you had to play this game just to feel what it’s like to be with a guy you despise. I am sorry you were put in situations in your life where you had to buy your freedom. I’m sorry you had to go through it with me. I truly am. But given a chance, I would’ve blackmailed you again, Maddy. Sorry for the shitty truth. That was the only chance I ever had with you. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Because the last months were the most meaningful in my life.”

My chest rises and falls so rapidly that I feel like it’s hard to breathe.

Jack London said, “I’d rather be ashes than dust.”

I’d rather live two amazing months with her and then go to hell than a mediocre lifetime without her. So, yes, I would always choose her. No matter the cost. No matter the consequences.

I take a deep breath and toss the cigarette away.

“I’ll be back to check on Sonny later,” I say without looking at her. “I need a moment. Please, take care of him.”

I walk away, not waiting for her answer because I don’t want to hear any more ugly words about myself.

53

MADDY

Only when he is far enough away do I feel tears streaming down my face. I stand silent, but I want to scream, “Coward!" Scream it in his face for leaving and not giving me a chance to say how I feel.

I return to Little’s room with the bravest most cheerful face I can summon right now.

Little still looks a bit out of it, but his expectant gaze bores into me when I walk up to his bed.

“Hey, Little.”

“He’s mad at me?” he asks, his pleading gaze hoping for a good answer.

“No,” I say, stroking his head. The sight of the IV needle in his little hand breaks my heart. Rave and I did it, and there is no forgiveness for this.

“Where is he?”

“He had some things to do, but he will be back a little later to be with you,” I say with a smile, biting my lip right away so as not to cry.

Little shakes his head. “He’s not busy. He’s upset, Maddy.”

What am I supposed to tell the kid?

“Go get Raven, Maddy. Please. Jus’… Jus’ talk to him. He needs someone,” Little says, and I feel like he is repeating someone else’s words.

“I’m staying?—”

“Please?” He tries to get up, then winces at the needle poking at his hand.

“Shhh,” I calm him. “It’s all right.”

“Samantha said I can watch a movie if I’m good.”

“She said that, huh?”

We don’t ever have children in this place, so all the nurses fawn over Little like he is their own.

“Okay, Little. You need to rest, then Samantha will bring a movie. I’ll be here, okay?”

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