Page 138 of Raven

“Because yesterday,” I say, “Sonny got angry at me for not calling you for dinner. He said, ‘If something were to happen to me, do you think Rave would come back here?’”

My eyes burn, and I bite my lower lip to suppress tears.

Confusion sweeps over Rave’s eyes.

“You don’t see it?” I ask in a loud whisper. “He found the pills. He took them. He did that because he didn’t know what else to do. Because he thought he could make this work. Us. So, no, Raven, there’s no one at fault but you and me.”

Dr. Hodges gets up from the side of the bed, and I step past Raven and toward him.

“He’ll be fine,” the doctor says.

Little’s sleepy eyes shift to me.

I step over and caress his face. “It’s all right, baby.”

He smiles weakly. His eyes shift to someone behind me, Raven. Sleepily, he tries to tug on the tube inserted into his hand.

“No-no-no.” I gently keep his arm in place. “This has to stay here. Just for a little bit, okay?”

“Hey, kiddo,” Raven says, the words so soft, I want to weep. “What happened?”

Little sniffles and lowers his eyes, studying the needle in his vein. “I heard Ray-Ray say tha’ you can take a pill and sleep. If you take three, no one can wake you up. I thought…” He licks his lips and blinks slowly.

“You thought what, Sonny?” Raven asks a little roughly, and I give him a reproachful glare.

“I thought if I take them and sleep for like several days…” He trails off, then looks at me from under his eyebrows, then at Raven, then lowers his eyes and sniffles.

“You thought what?” Raven insists, but I know what’s coming.

“Tha’ you and Maddy will stay with me, trying to wake me up.”

Raven exhales heavily through his lips and wipes his face with both hands. I bite on my lower lip, trying hard not to cry.

“Maybe you two can talk,” Little says quietly.

“Oh, fuck me!” Raven snaps loudly, whips around, and starts pacing back and forth.

Little cowers into himself.

“It’s all right,” I comfort him.

“I’m sorry,” Little whimpers, his widening eyes on Raven pacing around. “I’m s-sorry,” he whispers, and I see tears well up in his eyes.

“It’s all right, Little,” I say, taking his hand and stroking his sweaty hair. “Raven is not angry. He just got a little scared for you, is all.”

Raven walks back to Little’s bed. “It’s all right, kiddo. Maddy is right. I’m just?—”

“I’m sorry, Rave,” Little says with a little sob, tears sliding from his eyes. “I’m sorry.” He sobs again. “I’m sorry.”

“Please, give us a minute,” Raven says, and I realize he’s asking me to leave.

I stand outside, in the hallway, my back against the wall, and want to hear so bad what he’s telling Little. But I can’t. So I simmer in my feelings. The scare for Little. The hurt for what he did because he wants to see Rave and me together. The guilt because he is a child with a broken childhood, and he is trying to put together the broken pieces of adults together. No child should ever have to do that.

Five minutes later, the door opens, and Raven walks out.

“Outside,” he says curtly and walks past me.

Heart in my throat, I follow.

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