Page 100 of Raven

He never does. Like he is only there to fuck me, like he is trying to keep a barrier between us. And he never asks me what I want. Never talks about the possibility of what’s happening being more than just a deal that he thinks he is in charge of.

My phone rings. I hold my breath as I see “Unknown ID” on the screen. I show it to Raven. His jaw tightens as he takes it from me and answers the call.

“Hello,” he says gruffly.

I can tell there’s silence in response, and after several seconds, he hangs up, then right away gets on his phone and starts typing.

This little episode somewhat mars my mood. But Raven is here. And somehow, that makes all the difference in me not being afraid.

“Maddy!” Little shouts from the couch, poking the iPad with his forefinger, searching in the movie library. “Did you know that there might be other creatures on other planets?”

I walk to the kitchen to collect an assortment of snacks from a cupboard.

Raven gets off the phone. “His latest thing, planets and space,” he explains.

“Every day, it’s different,” I say as I walk around the island toward the couch and take a seat on one side of Little, who is perched in the center of the couch.

I look up at Raven and nod to the other side. “Movie time?”

“Yeah!” Little answers instead, not taking his eyes off the iPad screen. “You, Raven, and me.”

The thunder rumbles outside, shaking the bungalow.

I don’t break eye contact with Raven who walks up to the couch.

“You, Raven, and me,” I repeat, matching the little smile that ticks up Raven’s lips.

38

RAVEN

She said yes. Not to me doing wicked things to her or using her body the way I see fit. She just wants me around. Or maybe it’s wishful thinking because my little guy was the one asking, and she won’t say no to him. I knew it and used it to spend more time with her.

I constantly try to gauge Maddy’s reaction and find hidden meaning in her movements and tiny emotions that reflect on her face. But everything is somehow significant and charged with a meaning that’s probably not there.

I’m not stupid. I know I’m affected by everything she does. When you don’t care for someone, it’s so easy to read them like a book. With her, I’m subconsciously projecting wishful thoughts because I can’t read her very well anymore.

I know this is trouble. I don’t ever lie to myself. This, us, was supposed to be a game. Instead, she’s become my deepest craving. The little dude is weaving his charms into me, too. I look forward to spending time with him, occasionally thinking—I know, that’s fucked up, but it’s absolutely the truest craziest thought I’ve ever had—what it would be like if he were our kid, even though Maddy is too young.

I wonder what it would be like to kiss her, to have her kiss me. You think sex is intimate. Nah. I did some hot girls without ever remembering their names. And then there is this one, the one I’ve had a taste of, seen her naked in all positions, tried out my deepest fantasies. Yet I still feel like I haven’t reached the true level of intimacy.

I was sure from the start that it would be a matter of days until Maddy gave up on her silly rule and kissed me. I was wrong. There’s only one reason for it—she stands by her rule and doesn’t want this besides it being a deal.

“You, Raven, and me,” she says as her eyes lock with mine.

It sounds like a different kind of life.

I take a seat on the other side of Sonny and try to relax, but the words don’t leave my head.

You, Raven, and me. You. Raven. And me.

Sonny puts the iPad away and snatches Maddy’s phone from the coffee table in front of him.

“Take a selfie of us! Your arm is longer,” Sonny asks, passing me the phone. The little dude loves looking at himself. “Take one! Take one!”

Maddy laughs.

I open the camera and snap a selfie of us, not looking at the screen but rather at her, watching her reaction.

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