Page 20 of Selfish Desires

“Maybe start by apologizing to Wendy.” Blair pulled me in tighter, protecting me, but it was too late.

I couldn’t erase the image of Vincent just staring at me. As if he was waiting for me to make the first move. But what did he expect? Did he want me to run across the street, straight into his powerful arms, and tell him I forgave what he did to me? How he just left me there? In the fucking bed, covered in his cum, my juices? He didn’t know how I struggled to pull myself out of the cold bed that night. Or how I didn’t sleep for weeks and cried, sitting with the aches and permanent mental scars all caused by him. No one knew what happened between us in that bedroom on that last night. I sat with all the sordid details. And what made my stomach twist, my heart ache, and my mind scream? I would have done it all over again in a second. The degradation. Telling me how dirty and good I was being simultaneously. Using me for his pleasure while I chased a release. It wrecked me to think how much I wanted to be used and fucked. And I wanted to be used and fucked by him.

But how could I still even think that way? He left me in a raw state without reason.

“I... I'm so sorry, Wendy,” Zachary finally said after a long silence. His eyes were sincere as he looked at me, but it did nothing to calm my racing mind.

“I trusted him,” I murmured, my voice echoing in the silent room. I could still see Vincent's face; his anguish mirrored mine. He had lost weight since I'd last seen him. There were lines around his eyes, creased from the time lost, never to regain. Why did I even care if he hurt?

I hurt. All the time.

Blair let out a heavy sigh beside me. “Don't blame yourself for this,” she told me softly.

“It’s not that I’m blaming myself.” I swallowed. “I just never thought...” I trailed off, shaking my head to fight away the memory of that night. What I really wanted to say was how much I wanted that night back, and it left me twisted, unsure of who I was. How could an inch of me still possibly want a man who betrayed and cut me to the raw, jagged bone?

Zachary broke the silence first. “I'm going to fix this.”

“No,” I replied sternly before Blair or Zachary could say anything else. “No more fixing things for me.” I stood, my knees wobbling. “I'll handle Vincent myself.”

A gasp escaped Blair's lips, and even Zachary looked taken aback.

Blair stood, locking eyes with me. “Don’t go see him.”

“I’m not. I mean, how can I even?” I pinched my temple. “I don’t even know where he’s staying.” Sucking in a sharp breath, I walked to the kitchen’s exit before spinning around to face my silent friends. “Did Vincent even say what he wanted? Start from the top.”

And Zachary did. Telling me how Vincent called a few weeks before Sadie’s party. He had always been in touch with Vincent sporadically since our breakup. Still, he swore the conversations were superficial and nothing more. “I caved, Wendy. And I am so sorry. I’m unsure why I told Vincent about you being in New York. It was so wrong. I made a mistake.”

“Yes, you did.” My emotionless voice cut the tension in the air. My heart ached from Zachary’s confession while, if I could guess, Blair’s blood boiled at her husband’s betrayal. Like Blair, Zachary was my friend, just trying to do what he thought was right. But he wasn't the one who had lived through it, who had experienced the deceit. He couldn't possibly understand how much I suppressed every single day.

“Did he say why?” I croaked out, my gaze shifting to focus on a black spec on the opposite wall.

Zachary was silent for a moment, searching my face. “He said he just needed to know if you’d be in New York,” he finally admitted, looking away as if he couldn't bear to meet my gaze. “I swear that’s all he kept asking. I didn’t tell him where you were staying or anything like that.”

My eyes darted to Zachary’s face, glaring. “He already knows.”

“Knows what?” Blair asked.

“Everything he needs to know. He knows where I’m staying. It’s Vincent. This is what he does. All he needs is one clue, and then he runs with it. And gets what he wants.” Closing my eyes and shutting myself off from the light, I still saw Vincent. Even in the dark, I saw every part of him just as vividly and knew I was fucked. “I’m going to leave,” I declared, my eyes popping open.

“What? No.” Blair bolted to my side and planted her hands on my shoulders. “Stay here tonight. The guest bedroom is already made up. It’s yours.”

“No.” I pulled myself away from Blair's grasp. “I need space. Just a little time.” I saw hurt flash in her eyes and reached out to touch her arm. “I already paid for the hotel room. I might as well use it.”

“If it’s about the money, we’ll pay the bill,” Zachary said, his eyes shifting to Blair rather than to me. Something told me Zachary’s offer was meant to make Blair happy instead of comforting me.

“It’s not about the money,” I said, smiling. “I just need to be alone right now.”

Blair gave a defeated sigh. “Alright, Wendy. But promise me you'll call if you need anything.”

I nodded, not trusting my voice enough to offer a solid answer. A hug was shared, tight and protective from Blair's end and somewhat awkward from mine. Zachary didn’t offer a hug, but he wouldn’t.

“I’m sorry again,” Zachary apologized before tossing the melted ice pack onto the marble counter.

“Let us drive you back to the hotel.” Blair stepped forward and raised her eyebrows. “Please?”

“I’ll be fine. Seriously, I’m a big girl; you don’t have to worry about me.” I backed away from them, steps closer to the freedom my mind craved. Coming back to New York wasn’t a mistake. I was glad I did this. But I didn’t belong here. Not anymore.

I slid my brown, worn leather jacket over my shoulders, preparing to brace the cold New York air. It was different than New England’s weather. Here, everything hit harder. The punishment ran deeper as the wind whipped my skin. As I let myself out of Blair’s apartment, the closing door muffled a fresh wave of arguing between the two.

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