I could think of a few, but that pesky little voice in my head had a valid point. Mom was already suspecting that something was off about me, and I felt terrible lying to her, but it couldn’t be helped. I wasn’t ready yet.
Telling Mom and Dad that I’m pregnant is one thing; telling them that Vlad is the father of my unborn child…that’s an entirely different thing altogether, I said to the voices in my head.
They’d freak out, yeah—maybe throw some tantrums—but they’ll get over it. Just talk to them, Sia, my voice of reason replied.
I got out of bed and paced around the room as I thought about what to do next. I was so confused that it felt like my head was literally on fire. My eyes were heavy, and it was as if there was a blending machine turned on in my head.
Going over to the drawer, I helped myself with some aspirin and a cup of water. It didn’t kick in immediately, but it would, eventually. In the meantime, I would have to bear the aches.
What about Vlad’s proposal, you know…the marriage thingy?
Yep, there was that—the other problem.
I massaged my temples and stared at my reflection in the mirror with a soft sigh.
Vlad was…well, he was Vlad.
I was so deeply attracted to the man that I had done silly things around him on multiple occasions. He used to make me happy, stirring up butterflies in my stomach, and my goodness, he was great in bed, an expert in pleasuring a woman. And even though we had different opinions about life in general, I still thought we were compatible. I still thought unlike terms attracted.
But right now, I wasn’t so sure anymore. Now, I was starting to question everything because forever was a long time to spend with the wrong person.
You don’t think he’s right for you? one of the voices asked.
Honestly, I don’t know.
A few weeks ago, I would have answered this question with a positive response without hesitation, but things were different now.
Vlad’s cold attitude toward me was the driving force that had pushed me away, and the space he once occupied in my heart was now vacant…maybe not entirely, but still.
You still love him, don’t you?
I exhaled sharply, looking in the mirror. Love was a strong choice of word at the moment, and I wasn’t sure how I felt. How could I marry someone who I wasn’t sure how I felt about?
My parents weren’t perfect, but I’d always admired their relationship, the love and understanding they shared. I couldn’t settle for less.
Vlad was a very powerful man, a dangerous one at that….
You knew that when you slept with him. Why’s he suddenly so bad in your eyes?
I really wished I could strangle that annoying voice of reason that wouldn’t, for once, take my side.
You love him. You’re just hurting, and that’s why you can’t make a decision right now, the voice added.
I stared at my belly; it wasn't protruding yet, though. Gently, I rubbed my palm over it, thinking about the life inside.
“Hey, sweetheart. Mama’s really confused right now. She doesn’t know what to do. Any ideas?” I said softly.
Yes. Come clean.
I ignored the voice and drew in a deep breath, imagining thoughts about what the baby would be like—who it would take after, me or the father? Would it be a boy or a girl?
I found myself smiling because, somehow, the thought of the baby being born was peaceful and comforting.
It would be nice keeping it, and honestly, I wanted to keep it. I wanted to have the baby, to watch them grow and have their own life. But on the other hand, I was worried about Vlad’s ability to be a father. Considering the type of man that he was, I had my doubts about him being a good, loving, and caring father to the kid. Would he even have the time to teach them stuff? Would he ever be present? Judging by the way he saw the world, I didn’t think he’d make a great father, and that scared the shit out of me.
I tossed myself into my chair and smoothed my hair back. This dilemma was threatening to drive me insane. I really wished I could talk to Mom about this.
You can. You’re just choosing not to. You don’t have to go through this alone, you know. Hold on. How about you talk to Vlad?