Page 121 of Waiting For Fate

“Le? Open up. We’re here to help you get ready.”

I don’t want to go.

I don’t want to accept that he’s really gone or have to say my final goodbye. It’s not goodbye. I’ll never let the memory of him go, he will always be a part of me because he helped shape me into the woman I’ve become.

I don’t want to have to get up and answer the door.

I don’t want to accept that I’m going to have to live the rest of my life without him.

A few more soft knocks sound at the door and I drag myself off the couch and across the room to unlatch the deadbolt. Taylor is standing front and center and as soon as I see her my chest aches, but when I see the tears in her eyes and a Bruman’s cup in her hands, I completely crumble.

The girls manage to pull me through the process of getting ready for my dad’s funeral, all without saying more than was necessary.

“We won’t leave your side, okay? You can do this.” Shane kisses my cheek and I nod in appreciation. She knows what this feels like. Losing her parents right after high school put her in a really dark place, and I finally know what that place feels like.

The whole service happens like background noise to me. My focus stays on the portrait of my dad next to the urn on the table surrounded by family photos. When we’re leaving the church, I can hear the whispered condolences and people gently rubbing my arm in an effort to comfort me.

When I make it outside to the sidewalk a breeze blows through and I take a deep breath, trying to clear my mind. It’s officially spring now—the perfect driving weather.

Though if I tried to drive myself anywhere right now there’s a good chance I would end up in a ditch or embedded into a large tree. I haven’t completely focused on a single thing outside of home movies in almost a week.

Then I feel it. The sudden chill from someone’s eyes being on me. I turn robotically, scanning my surroundings until I see him. Standing in the distance with his hands in his suit pockets, looking almost as broken as I feel.

He came.

His chin lifts slightly when he notices me looking at him and I realize I’m actually looking at him. His sapphire blue eyes full of pain, his perfectly sculpted shoulders hung in despair.

Broken.

“You ready sweetie?” Ruby links her arm with mine, startling me, causing a tear to fall down my cheek when I turn to face her.

I was crying?

When I look over my shoulder Sawyer has disappeared and the focus I had gained, only to look at him, fades away.

Knock knock knock.

I’m headed back to the living room from grabbing another pint of ice cream from the fridge—double chocolate chip, Dad’s favorite—when the sound takes me to the door instead.

I don’t intend to open it, but I head that direction anyway. Sliding down the wall beside it I can hear my friends on the other side of the door.

“She hasn’t responded to any of our texts. We don’t even know if she’s alive at this point.”

“She’s grieving, it’s a lot to endure—especially by yourself.”

“Exactly! She shouldn’t be alone. We should be in there with her.”

I love them so much. I just can’t be around people right now. Not even my people.

“Leah. Sweetie, we wanted to check on you. We don’t have to stay or anything, but can you just let us know you’re okay?” Shane’s voice filters through the thick wooden door.

Of course I’m not okay. But I’m alive. Unless you count dying from a broken heart. In which case I’m a walking corpse.

More tears begin falling down my face as I remain silent.

“Le, baby girl. I’m about five seconds away from busting this door down. Please. Just any sign of life? Knock once if you need us and twice if you’re okay but want us to leave.”

Lauren.

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