Page 65 of Worth the Vow

“You have anxiety?” Kate asks softly.

Aspen taps my arm. “What’s anxiety?”

Turning to her, I try to think of a way to describe it. “Anxiety is what I feel when I don’t know what to expect in life. It makes me feel uneasy. I worry a lot when I can’t control things. So I’ve been seeing a special kind of doctor called a therapist, and he’s helping me with anxiety by teaching me strategies to use.”

Aspen looks contemplative. “Is that why you like us to do things your way?”

“Probably,” I reply sheepishly. I want to run my hand through my hair, but one arm is wrapped around Aspen, and Kate is holding my other hand, and I refuse to let go of either of them.

“And it’s going alright? With the therapist?” Kate asks, and I nod. “Okay. Would it help if I went to a session with you so I can learn what to do?”

I’m momentarily taken aback at her willingness to help. I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember. When I’d mentioned it to Savannah, she blew me off and told me to suck it up. My mom was somewhat understanding, but my father told me that men don’t have anxiety, and anything I’m feeling I just need to internalize it. A fine example of old-school thinking.

“I’m not sure if that’s necessary, but I’ll ask,” I finally say, and Kate squeezes my hand in reassurance.

“It’s not something to be embarrassed about. I truly believe that anxiety is a spectrum, and everyone has anxiety in one form or another. You should be proud of yourself for recognizing that you need help, and even prouder for getting the help. So many people don’t do that, Dominic, and they live in a constant state of fight-or-flight because of it.”

“My therapist and I have talked about that, actually,” I admit. “He wants me to go on medication for it, but I’m worried about side effects and if it’ll interfere with my job and role as a primary caregiver to the kids.”

“I’m here too, you know,” Kate teases. I chuckle as she continues. “I’m sure he’ll start you off at a low dose, and we can watch closely for any side effects.”

I sigh, resting my head against the bed. “I hate having to rely on a medication to function as a normal human being.”

“Did you know I was on anti-depressants after my mom died?” Kate says. “Well, I guess there was no way for you to know that. But I was. I’d been caring for her for so long, that when she finally passed, I don’t think I knew what to do with myself.”

“I didn’t know that, Katharine. I hate that you went through it all alone.”

She shrugs, but her chocolate brown eyes dull a little bit as her lower lip trembles slightly. “I couldn’t afford it for very long, and my health insurance cut out almost immediately once my mom died. There were ways I could have continued on it, but it was still a cost I couldn’t afford. But it helped me to kickstart my brain a little bit, you know? It made me be able to function just enough that I could grieve my mom, and also find a job, get a new apartment because I couldn’t afford our larger one, and try to keep living. Life doesn’t stop just because of us, and it took me a bit to understand that.”

“What’s a depressor?” Aspen asks, and both Kate and I laugh.

“Well, depression is when you’re really sad,” Kate explains. “So a doctor gave me some medication that helped me not to be as sad anymore.”

“They have medication for that?” Aspen asks. “And for anxiety? That’s really cool. Is there a medicine to make my ankle better?”

“Unfortunately, no,” the nurse says as she knocks on the door. “Even better, though, I have discharge papers. You get to go home!”

“You found some crutches?” I ask.

The nurse nods. “We got them from another hospital, and now we know to order some more children’s crutches.”

“Undoubtedly you’ll see us again. I’m honestly surprised she lasted this long without a broken bone,” I admit.

“She sure is a spitfire,” Kate says. The nurse gives us a big smile before explaining the discharge instructions. After wishing us well, we get Aspen ready for going home. An orderly requires Aspen to ride in a wheelchair, which, of course, Aspen loves.

“You sure you want to ride with Kate?” I ask again as we get outside.

“Yeah, Daddy. I wish your car wasn’t here so you could ride with us. You need some singing,” Aspen says, cupping my cheek just like I do hers.

“I think I do need some singing,” I chuckle.

“Do you want to come with us?” Kate asks hopefully. “We can get your car later today. You’re almost sleepwalking, Dominic. I managed a couple hours of sleep before I left Matt’s, and the nap yesterday, but you’ve had none. Honestly, it would make me feel better if you weren’t driving right now.”

As if she commanded it, I yawn. “Actually, yeah. I think that’s a good idea.”

I get in Kate’s car after settling Aspen in the back seat. Once we’re heading home, I reach over and grab Kate’s hand. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her quick intake of breath at the connection, and I stifle a smile. Closing my eyes, I slowly stroke Kate’s thumb with mine as I finally fall asleep.

Kate

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