Page 79 of Return on Love

For the first time in a long time, I see him smile. A reluctant, proud smile. “That’s… amazing,” he says, as if saying that word for me was ever so difficult. “Does your brother know? He didn’t tell me.”

“He doesn’t. Because I’m not taking it.”

Now he’s confused.

“I’m quitting my firm. I’ve put in my papers.”

He just nods, but I can see from the way he’s clenching his jaw that there’s a lot more he wants to say. He lets out a slow breath before speaking. “Why? You have another job at some other PE firm?”

“No. I don’t want to work in a PE firm. Or an investment bank. Or a bank. Or in any financial institution.”

He raises his brows again and leans forward. “Okay? You seem to be doing well. You have a perfect path to the top of the pyramid in your firm. So, why?”

I’m beginning to feel a little foolish. Am I doing this just to spite him? Then I remember the feeling I had when I worked at MooreGames. No. It has nothing to do with Dad. I really enjoy that work. I meet his gaze.

“Because I want to do something creative. I know that’s not what you want. But I’m done doing things because you want me to do it. Going forward, I’ll do only what I want. So, I’ve reached out to a few companies and believe it or not, I already have some offers.”

He drowns his scoff in a mild cough and continues to look at me. His eyes have a questioning expression and…is that a tinge of hurt? It’s not the disappointed look I’m used to getting from him.

“That’s… interesting. So these companies. What kind of work do they do?”

“Online gaming.”

“Ah, like Ryan’s company? Are you joining him? He’s a good man. I like him.”

“No. Not his company,” I say as a stab of pain and jealousy runs through me. My Dad, who has liked none of my friends, except Lily, likes Ryan. He’d met Bob once and told me he’s a bad one. As also the boy I’d dated in high school. But of course he likes Ryan!

Dad just nods. We’re quiet for some time. I’m wondering how I should begin the rest of my speech. His decent reaction to the work-related news has me on a back foot. The waiter comes and places our bowls in front of us.

As soon as he leaves, Dad holds my hand. Like really, physically, holds my hand. I’m at a complete loss for words.

“Eva, there’s something I need to tell you. Actually, there’s a lot that I need to tell you, but let’s start with some little pieces. I’ve recently started going to a therapist, and in just a few sessions, he’s made me realize I haven’t been a good father to you.”

If I say I’m flabbergasted, it won’t describe even 1% of what I’m feeling right now. My Dad! Saying he’s not been good?

Under normal circumstances, I would’ve denied it and comforted him. But not today. So I just nod.

“I loved your mother more than anything in the world. She was everything I ever wanted. And when she died, I was broken. I still am. But I didn’t have time to grieve because Alex needed me and so did you. I tried to get on with life as best as I could, burying my feelings every day, every moment.”

I can see his eyes welling up. It’s weird because I’ve never seen him get emotional. I always thought he didn’t have any feelings. That he had a rock in place of a heart. Apparently, a rock can bleed.

“And then, as you grew up, you looked so much like your mother that I couldn’t bear to look at you without remembering her. And it pained me and broke me every time, just looking at you. I know it wasn’t your fault. If anyone’s it was mine. I was the adult. But that’s what it was. So I did what I could to avoid the pain. I avoided you. I never once thought what it was doing to you.” A tear spills out and flows down his cheek. “I’m sorry Eva. I really am.”

I squeeze his hand. It hurts me to see the man I always thought as strong and stone-like, drowning in emotions. How little you know about the people around you. I dwelt on my loneliness, but here, this man, had also been lonely.

“I didn’t know you took finance to please me. Why would I want you to do something you don’t want? I assumed you did it because of Alex. You always copied him in everything as a child.”

“I copied him because I saw how you appreciated him when he did something. I just wanted that same thing from you. A little nod of praise.”

Another tear falls down. “I was so foolish not to have seen it. The therapist was right. If you find it in your heart to forgive me, I’d like to start again. I want to be a good father to you, Eva.”

I smile through my own tears. This is the best lunch I’ve ever had. I can feel the bruises starting to heal. They’ll take time, but maybe, just maybe, I can have some semblance of a real relationship with Dad.

“Well, let’s not make a scene now,” he says, sniffing and wiping his face. “Let’s eat.”

For the rest of the meal, we just chomp away into our food. It’s the most comfortable I’ve felt in Dad’s presence. There’s a long way to go, but we’ve taken the first step. And that’s all that matters right now. I can see his pain. I know it’s still difficult for him to be with me, but he’s making that effort and so will I.

We’re almost done when I ask him. “So, how did you even think of going to a therapist after all these years? Alex put you up to it?”

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