Page 9 of No First Kisses

“I bought a ring.” He started to cry. “I was going to ask you before I left for boot camp.” Logan’s voice broke. “Marry me, Poppy.”

“No.” I smiled, wishing my hands worked so I could wipe away the tears that were falling. “Don’t worry about me, Lo. You’re going to be so happy.”

“I love?—”

The rest of his words were swallowed by the void that I couldn’t walk away from. The one that beckoned from just beyond Logan’s shoulder. The one I couldn’t ignore anymore.

Such a bright light when before there was nothing.

“You coming?” Lettie’s face appeared there, frozen in time like she’d be forever. Wearing her favorite pajamas. The ones Logan and I found her in when we found her body. “Lo’s gonna be upset for a minute, but the pain will be gone, and I’ll be here with you forever.”

“It’s not right.” I sat up, but my body didn’t move with me. Instead, I’m left watching as my spirit separates from the body Logan’s still holding. “I don’t want to leave him. Not yet.”

Lettie shrugged, looking at the back of her brother’s head for a moment before turning her attention back to me. “Then don’t. It’s gonna hurt like a bitch, though, ’cause he’s about to start CPR.”

I lay back down, smiling.

“The best things in life hurt.”

“I love you, Poppy.” Lettie stepped back. “Don’t give up on him, because this shit is about to get messy.”

“I could never,” I told her. “I love him, and I always will.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

The darkness vanished.

And Lettie was right.

CPR hurt like a bitch.

But it didn’t hurt as much as Logan breaking my heart.

Unable to help myself, I rub the same spot on my chest where Logan had broken my ribs and sternum to save my life. And when the tears start to fall, I have to fight to keep them from turning me into a banshee.

“I’m sorry, Lettie.”

There I am, apologizing to a dead woman because I’ve been thinking of doing the exact same thing I promised her ghost would never happen.

I’m giving up on Logan.

I’ve been thinking about leaving.

But after ten years, I don’t have a choice. I want to live. To love. To have everything that I’ve been giving up, on the hope that he’ll forgive himself.

That he’ll love me again. That he’ll let me love him.

Charlotte doesn’t answer me. She never does. The hallucination I had while dying in the alley all those years ago never replays itself. But the promise is there, casting a pale shadow over everything in its path.

“You okay?”

I’m sitting on the dirty ground, leaning against the brick wall of one of the businesses in downtown Birch Harbor, covered in sweat and barely feeling human. So, it has to be Logan standing there, looking like a fuckin’ snack in his uniform, staring down at me like I’m a rabid animal. Because that’s my life.

“Peachy,” I snap irately.

When he holds out his hand, silently offering to help me up, I do the mature thing and ignore it. Then I use the wall behind me to help me stand, and I walk away without looking back.

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