Page 7 of No First Kisses

I don’t need to tell Ian the things I would do for Poppy. He knows, just like I know that he’d kill for Chloe and that I’d help him get rid of the evidence.

“Is that true, though, Logan?” Ian keeps tapping the table, and I think about breaking his fingers to make him stop. “I know exactly what you’re willing to do for her, probably better than anyone else in your life. Maybe it’s time you think why you’re willing to follow her away from Birch. Why you’re willing to uproot your life to be close to her. But you’re not willing to give her the only thing she’s ever wanted, as far as I can see. That makes it very clear that there’s something you won’t do for her. And that’s the difference between you and me, I guess. When I lost Chloe, there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for a second chance. I want you to think about why you won’t give Poppy what would make her happiest.”

“I know why,” I say. The words burn as they come out, and I can feel fire chewing its way from my gut up through my chest until it settles at the base of my throat. “I’ve never stopped loving her, Ian. She’s the sun and the moon and every single star in the sky as far as I’m concerned. You know that. But the last time I let myself have her, I got her killed.”

The worst moment in my life was watching the life leave her eyes. And that’s something Ian won’t ever understand.

“We’ve gone over this, too.” Ian sighs deeply, but he stops tapping the table. “It’s not your fault the two of you were mugged. That the attacker shot her. In fact, you’re the reason she was rescued. At eighteen years old, you knew enough to save her life. You need to start working on forgiving yourself, Logan.”

Sitting up on the couch and swinging my feet so that they’re resting on the floor, I turn to stare at my friend. My confidant. The man who’s been there for me when no one else would be. When no one else could be. Telling him what I’ve hidden in the depths of my black soul means that I am going to lose him as a friend.

I guess it’s a good thing that he’s my therapist, too. Because today’s apparently the day to share things with him that I never have before. First, my feelings about serving. Now this.

“I feel like I might as well have pulled the trigger myself,” I admit. “The man who shot Poppy… I didn’t stop him. I couldn’t stop him. I was so young and stupid that I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t chase him down and make him pay for what he did. I should have, and I didn’t. Instead, I barely managed to keep her alive. It’s all my fault.”

Before I can see the judgment in Ian’s eyes, I get up and walk out.

Maybe now he’ll understand that I don’t deserve her. That there is no world in which I can have Poppy and the life I dream about every single night.

Instead of going home to a dream come true, I walk into the nightmare that became my reality the day I felt the woman I love die in my arms.

3

POPPY

My lungs ache, and my legs feel like they are about to give out on me at any moment. But the ghosts from my past are hot on my heels, so I push on.

Step after step, I force my feet to hit the pavement until there is nothing left. Until the tears stinging my eyes can be from either the pain of Logan walking out again or the burning in my chest as I struggle to breathe.

No matter what, I’m punishing my body for what I’ve done.

I keep pushing myself until there is nothing left but the sound of my blood roaring in my ears. When I finally stop, lifting my hands over my head to keep the oxygen flowing into my lungs, the ghosts I’ve been trying to outrun finally catch up with me.

As soon as I open my eyes, the alley that haunts my nightmares is right there. I’m standing in the exact same spot I was when I was shot.

“Shit.” I gasp for air and try to fight the bile rising in my throat.

I fail, and about the time that I start to throw up the leftover pizza I had for breakfast, the memories take over.

“Poppy Blake." Logan said my name with mock frustration. “Hurry your gorgeous ass up. Come on, we’re gonna be late.” Logan tugged on my hand with a smile. “My mom said that they’re already ordering the pizza to celebrate.”

At eighteen, Logan Pierce was everything I’d ever wanted in my life. I knew, even looking at him in the shadows as we took a shortcut from the high school to Lucy’s, he’d be stunning when he was older. And I couldn’t wait to get old with him by my side.

“I’m hurrying.” Huffing as I tried to keep up with him, I couldn’t help smiling back at him while he waited for me to kick it into gear.

Everything about Logan was infectious. His attitude, his laugh, even the way he makes me want a future. It’s all part of who he is and the chemistry I’ve felt between us our entire lives.

“I still can’t believe you convinced everyone to do it.” He stopped at the edge of the alley, turning so that he could cup my face with his hands. “Did you see how many people turned out? It was fantastic.”

I hadn’t seen Logan smile. Not in so long that I almost forgot what it looked like.

We didn’t have a reason to smile. Not since his little sister, Charlotte, died from an accidental overdose the month before.

“I love you, Poppy.” Logan kissed me gently. “Thank you for refusing to give up. For making me stay when all I wanted to do was run away.”

One more kiss, and he was holding my hand in his again.

“One day,” he said with his face turned away from mine. “One day, I’m going to marry you, and I’m going to make you as happy as you make me for the rest of our lives.”

---