Page 15 of No First Kisses

Dad, however, shakes his head and sighs deeply. “You’re sure you’re making the right move?”

Unable to handle it, I turn away and get caught like a deer in the headlights. One look at Logan’s parents, and I break. Lucas is exactly what I think Logan will look like in twenty years. After all, Logan at thirty looks just like his father had when we were kids.

I just can’t do it anymore.

I can’t do this anymore.

Tears fill my eyes and start to spill over in a way that makes me feel ashamed. I mean, how many thirty-year-old women break down in tears when she’s surrounded by her parents and their friends.

“I can’t.” I breathe through the tears. “I can’t do it anymore. It’s torture. He’s literally everywhere I go, always. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to leave my life. But how can I stay when I’m faced with the life I should have had but can’t?” My chest aches, and I run a hand over my sternum, where I’ll always have the scar from the gunshot that tore my life apart and stole my dreams.

“That’s bullshit.” Evie steps around me, making sure that I can see the anger in her eyes. “You’re making excuses and you know it.”

My heart hurts even more at her words, but I can’t expect her to understand. She doesn’t have to go through it; none of them do.

“Maybe you need time to think,” Finn offers from my side. “Time to get away, maybe take a vacation?”

Spilling my guts to Logan’s family feels wrong, but there isn’t anything else I can do. They are a part of my family, too. Our parents still get together every single week for dinner. Our siblings went to school together and even work together. There are no secrets when it comes to family. Especially not this family.

“I haven’t quit yet,” I tell them honestly. “And I’m not thinking of moving far. Maybe to Belfast. I’ll still be able to see you every week for family night.” I know that will mollify my parents, at least a little bit. “I just can’t stay where it’s going to hurt just to breathe. Why should I keep torturing myself when I don’t like the taste of pain?”

I also know that Logan won’t stay away from the campsite for long. He’s gone off, most likely to collect the firewood that we’ll use for the fire later, and I realize the mistake I made in coming.

“Leaving’s the coward’s way out,” Finn whispers into my ear as our parents start a quiet conversation of their own. “And you know it.”

He surprises me by latching on to my arm, nodding toward Evie, and then pulling me away from our parents.

“What are you doing?”

“I hated you,” he says with heated eyes as he drops my arm when we are out of earshot of our parents. “For almost a decade, I’ve hated that you hurt my hero. My big brother wasn’t the same, and I blamed you. But running away, Poppy?” Finn shakes his head, and the ache in my chest starts to grow to unimaginable levels.

Again, I rub it, trying to ease the discomfort that pops up at his words.

“I didn’t leave him,” I tell Finn. “Even after the mugging, I stayed. He’s the one who left me.”

“But he followed you.” Finn crosses his muscular arms over his chest again, nodding toward the woods where Logan has vanished. “I thought it was the other way around. That you’d followed him. But he followed you. Even when he was still active duty, he would call our parents and ask about you. Hell, Poppy. Even when I thought I hated you, I still made sure he knew you were okay.” He surprises me by pulling me into a brief hug, and I almost break down again. “You gotta face the demons, not run from them. Fight until there’s nothing left in you to fight with. Because if he didn’t care, he wouldn’t have made sure to correct me less than an hour ago when I told him all of the things I thought you did.”

With that, he squeezes me tightly for a second and then walks away, grabbing Evie’s hand as he goes. “Come on, Evie. Let’s run away and get married. I don’t wanna live in the barracks anymore, and we’re the better-looking siblings anyway.” She slaps him upside the head but walks away toward the woods.

I hear the laughter in their voices as they go, joking about what it would mean if they did just that.

When I take a seat in the ring of chairs, my dad holds out a drink for me. “He’s right, you know. Finn might be a jarhead, but he’s right about this. You’re not the one to run away from a confrontation. Where’s the Irish spirit in you, girl?”

I stare at the black pit where there’ll be a fire in just a few hours and sigh. “I’m tired of fighting. Why don’t I deserve to be fought for?”

My words catch him off guard, and the arm lifting his beer to his lips halts. His eyes flare slightly, and I can see the flash of rage that crosses over his face before it vanishes completely.

“Hmph.” He resumes drinking his morning beer while I crack mine open, sipping the hard cider he thought to bring just for me.

“I love you, Dad.” Looking down at the drink in my hand, I contemplate drinking a beer instead, but change my mind.

We sit there, long after Logan and the others return with firewood and kindling, just the two of us, and I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. My dad always knows when I want to sit in silence, and no one interrupts him when he is doing what he wants. No one but Mom, who is too busy with Maria, making enough food to feed six families on the camp stoves we brought.

In fact, it isn’t until the late afternoon when we finally decide to join the party, and I have a feeling Dad only gets up because Lucas and Logan are starting the fire together and he doesn’t want to be left out of the yearly traditions.

“Come on, pumpkin.” He pulls on one of my curls. “Let’s go kick Evie and Finn’s asses at some cornhole. Your old man still has a little bit of skill left. And I know you’ll carry me even if I suck.” With a wink just for me, he picks up the now-empty ice chest we’ve slowly been drinking out of all day and leads the way.

“I love that man.” Mom smiles as I walk by, pulling me into a kiss. “I’m glad he made you smile today. How’s your chest?”

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