Page 13 of No First Kisses

“Do you see the clips?” Mom murmurs. “The rods are on the outside. He just clicked it on and now it’s up.” She pokes my father in the chest. “I want one. Make it happen.” Then she pushes her way inside my tent and gasps. “Lucas. It’s huge in here.” Her face presses against the netting. “I think we should steal his tent and call it ours.”

“Not a chance, woman. All our shit is in our tent. And it’s time for breakfast.”

My stomach growls as he says those words, and I try not to think about the fact that I haven’t gotten any sleep since yesterday. Plus, the Pierce shenanigans are going to start soon, and I won’t be sleeping until the sun goes down at the earliest.

Just as the sun finishes rising in the sky, all of our tents are set up, spread out the same way they’ve been every year. The only gap is where Charlotte’s tent always went, but we never put anything there. That is her spot. Only ever hers. The one time Emily had set her tent up in Lettie’s spot, after a fight with Finn that she declared meant he was a rotten brother, our mom burst into tears and Dad just picked up the entire thing and moved it on its own. No one tried again.

“Fantastic. We still have plenty of time.” Mom claps her hands together and plops down in the camp chair that my dad set up for her. “Breakfast burritos are in the cooler, still warm from the oven.” She closes her eyes, and her fingers tap against her stomach in a gentle melody that only lives in her head.

“Do you think she cares that we just got here?” Finn crosses his arms and leans over so that his head is right next to mine. “Or do you think that maybe she just wanted us all in the same place?”

“Well.” I nudge him with my shoulder. “You’re still in the Marines, and Emily’s working on her master’s or some shit like that. The only ones around Birch Harbor right now on a regular basis are me and Bax.”

“It’s not my fault I spend more time over there than home.” Finn rubs the stubble on his chin that he’s been growing since he got home on leave. “You know how it is.”

We both walk away from where our parents are relaxing, leaving Emily and Bax there to unpack the cornhole boards and everything else we’ll need for the three-day trip to keep ourselves entertained.

“Heard you were over at Poppy’s again.” Finn doesn’t beat around the bush. “That a good idea?”

I don’t bother asking him how he knows. It’s not like it’s a huge secret. “No.”

The wind blows through the trees, making a sound that we only hear in Maine. No matter where I am in the world, I can’t ever replicate it.

“You hear that?” I nod toward the trees.

Finn stays silent for a few seconds before nodding. “Yeah.”

“She’s like that sound in the trees. The one that only exists here. I’ve gone all over the world, Finn. Everywhere I could in an attempt to find something that hits me harder than she does. That has the power to hit me like she does. And I couldn’t find it. She’s a fuckin’ drug, a muscle memory buried deep in my veins. No matter how far I run, I can’t get away from the pull she has on me. I still love her. Probably always will. But that doesn’t mean I deserve her.”

“That’s poetic,” Finn says with a sigh. “I don’t want to see her break you. Not again.”

I stop, my mouth open for a second while I process what he’s saying. “Finn.” Clearing my throat to buy some time, I think about what I need to say. “Why do you think she broke me?”

“I might have been like eleven when it happened, but I saw how devastated you were. You didn’t leave your room for a fuckin’ month, Lo. She ruined you, and she was never there to fix what she broke.”

With a shake of my head, I pull my little brother into a hug and don’t let go. “You’re wrong, Finn.” The words come out as a hoarse whisper. “She didn’t break me. She didn’t leave me. I left her, after she was almost killed because of me. I’ve regretted it every single day since I left her lying in a hospital room. I don’t deserve a second chance with her, Finn. Not at the forever that I threw away. Not after I watched her die.”

His eyes search mine for a hint that I’m not telling the truth. He doesn’t find anything, though, because I’ve never been more honest than I am in that moment.

“Life’s too short for regrets, Lo.” Finn slaps my back and then pushes away from the hug. “If what you’re saying is true, you fucked up beyond belief.” He sighs. “I watched you join the Marines to get away from her. I thought it was because she hurt you. Then you joined the Maine State Police when you got out. After that, you joined the Fire Marshals like you were waiting to burn up yourself. Then you went to the Birch County Sheriff’s Department, and now you’re with the Birch Harbor PD. I thought you were running from her and she was following you.” There is a shrewd look in his eye, like he’s just catalogued the last ten years and come to the same conclusion that I have.

“I followed her,” I tell him. “I’m the one who follows her everywhere. I tried to avoid it. Tried to laugh it off and just live my pathetic life without her. I can’t have her because I’m too fucked up. But I can’t help following her. No matter where she goes to run from me. She owns me.” Admitting it to someone other than Ian feels freeing. Especially since Finn knows me better than almost anyone.

“Why are you doing this to yourself, then? If you can’t have her and you think that she’s been running from you. Why don’t you just let her walk away? Unless there’s a part of you that’s maybe, finally, ready to forgive yourself.”

I don’t give him an answer right away. Instead, I listen to the way the wind blows in the trees while I try to figure it out.

“The best thing for both of us is the fact that she keeps running away from me.”

Two cars pull into the campsite, and I would have had to be blind to miss the familiar flash of red hair coming from the back seat.

“Maybe it’s time you pull your head out of your ass and fix it, then. Because that doesn’t look like she’s running away from you. More like toward you…” I’m not sure if he stops talking or the blood starts pounding too hard in my ears to hear what he is saying.

My heart can’t take much more of this. My brain keeps screwing things up, and all I want is her. All I need is her.

“You know.” I slap him on the shoulder, cutting him off, and as I walk away, I say, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything smarter come out of your mouth.”

5

---