Page 20 of No Sweet Goodbyes

Even his name makes me feel bad in a way I should have gotten over years ago. Eddie was my high school sweetheart, at least that’s what I called him before I learned better. He was a senior my freshman year, and we started dating the last week of school. We were together the entire time I was in high school and even a little after, but he wanted more than I could give him. More than I wanted to give him. But he never pushed for more, and I never walked away. Not until the end.

“It’s not my fault he wanted to get married as soon as I graduated high school,” I point out. “How could I say yes when I didn’t even know what living was? I hadn’t even had a chance to go to college yet. To struggle. Or stay up late knowing that if I failed it was all my responsibility.” I nod at Vi when she brings more food for both of us and a drink for Kennedy, along with a glass of water for me. Sometimes, it really is nice that we are regulars, especially when Vi knows to keep bringing more tacos and to put them on my tab to pay when I get ready to leave.

“I dunno,” Kennedy says idly while she sips her drink. “Eddie’s not a bad guy. I think he’s just protective of his friends and the life he lives. He wouldn’t make a bad TO.”

“He’s not a bad guy.” I agree with her. “He’s just not my guy.” We’ve had the conversation about Eddie multiple times, and Kennedy always thinks I’m weird for breaking up with him.

But I know the truth. As much as it hurts to admit, Eddie isn’t my future and I don’t want to waste his time or mine by leading him on when there isn’t anything there. That would only make things worse in the long run.

“I’m not saying that you should have married him.” Kennedy takes a huge drink of her margarita and burps loudly. “I’m saying that you never explained to me why you broke up with him. He doesn’t seem like a bad guy. And as far as I can tell, you don’t really hate his guts or anything. And he doesn’t hate you. So, what was it?”

“He doesn’t give me vagina butterflies,” I explain, knowing there’s no getting out of telling her the truth.

When Kennedy gets on a tangent, she’ll stay on it forever if she needs to.

“What?” Kennedy snorts margarita all over the table.

“Gross.” I pull my napkin off the table and use it to clean the ice and tequila mix off my face and arms and then wipe down my part of the table for good measure.

“Did you just say vagina butterflies?” Kennedy stares at me with raised eyebrows and margarita dripping from her lips. “That’s what’s gross. Not my reaction.” She sips her drink again. “Now, explain what you meant.”

“Well, as gross as this is to discuss with my sister-in-law because we both know that you get them from Linc.” I eye her seriously. “I was talking about the fact that when I look at him, I don’t want to have sex with him. Not even remotely. I like him. He’s a good guy and a great friend. But he’s not what I want to have in my bed at night. He doesn’t kiss me and make the world melt at the edges just by holding me in his arms. I don’t want to settle for someone who just makes me smile. I want all the fireworks. The ones that my parents have. The same ones I see with you and Linc. That’s what I mean about vagina butterflies. I want to see a man and feel my body clench and just want him. You know what I mean?”

While she processes what I said, I stare at my second plate of tacos and try to force myself to eat the suddenly unappetizing food. Instead, I think about Dom and all the reasons why I’m mad. It all boils down to one thing.

The kiss.

Sitting in the truck with him all day, fighting the desire to reach out and just… touch him because I felt the spark with him. The electricity between us that creates an undeniable pull. Except, it’s completely one-sided. And every day of the last year that I’ve spent trying to get his attention has been a waste.

All of it for nothing.

Only for him to turn around and tell my new boss that it didn’t mean anything when he finally freaking kissed me.

With a sigh, I let it slide off my shoulders. There is literally nothing I can do about it. I can’t make him want me. I can’t make him see me as anything other than another officer. But I can move on. And I can rock the shit out of the police academy. I can be the best.

“I don’t need the distraction,” I announce. “Dicks are the devil.”

“I take offense to that.”

I jump at the sudden intrusion, and it’s a good thing I don’t have food in my hand because it would have gone flying and hit him in the face. Instead, I turn and eye the man in question with suspicion, glad that he’s alone and I don’t have to deal with my own personal hell any more today.

“What is with you guys and taking joy in scaring the piss out of me?” I huff. “I really almost peed myself, and then you would have had to go get my emergency leggings out of the back of your truck because there’s no way in hell I’d leave here with a wet ass.”

Linc laughs and then pushes in next to Kennedy. “How was your first day of work, loser? You bounced before I could touch base after shift.”

He reaches for one of her remaining tacos, but Kennedy slides her second plate out of his reach. “I’m sorry, get your own. You’re invading girls’ night.”

The pitiful look on his face should have made me feel bad but all it does is make me happy that Kennedy has my back and not his. “Come on. Every night is girls’ night. I just want a single taco. Just one.” He holds up a finger.

Kennedy and I both speak at the same time. “Get your own.”

Linc, clearly not winning that battle, waves in the air to get Vi’s attention.

Our routine is just that, a routine. Vi knows what to expect. In fact, we’re lucky Parker and Remy didn’t join us. But they have a baby at home, as well as Nox.

“Okay.” Linc sighs dejectedly. “But for realsies… How was your day?” He bats his eyelashes together, transforming himself into the picture of perfect brotherhood. “Did anyone steal your lunch? Do I need to beat up a bully for you? Did Dom ask you out yet?”

“No.” I shake my head. “I’m not six anymore, Linc. I’m capable of standing up for myself.”

---