Page 55 of Curses & Kitsune

My worst fears have been confirmed. Raiden’s going to sacrifice himself. Why? Why would he do this to us, to me? “Tell me you didn’t accept.” I look at him, unable to tear my gaze away as I struggle to read his expression.

“No. I didn’t. But if I can’t find my father and we can’t lift the curse, then I… he’ll want me to—” He cuts off, a disgusted expression on his face. “I can’t do it. Not again. I can’t let him put his hands on me. Maybe if I was stronger I could—But I can’t. I’m not selfless enough.”

A part of me is relieved to hear it, but I know the worst is yet to come. “So what are you going to do?” Anger rises slowly but surely because whatever he has decided, he’s made his decision without me.

Raiden finally meets my gaze. “I’ll get you out of Tokyo, and I’ll face him with my pack. We won’t survive. I’m sure of it. And if the kitsune curse isn’t cured, you can’t be there with us.”

So, this is it. He’s running away. My heart shatters to pieces in my chest.

“Jinta, I…” A sob chokes him. “This is for you. I’m doing this for you.”

Fury burns inside me. “Don’t.” My voice shakes with outrage.

“Jinta—”

“You asshole!” I erupt, my voice filling the car. I’ve never screamed like this before, so loudly it tears at my throat. Fuck. I can’t even look at him. Ripping off my seat belt, I lurch from the car. Rain spatters my body, soaking through my clothes in fat, cold drops that chill me to the bone.

“Jinta!” Raiden pursues me into the downpour. He grabs my arm.

I rip my hand out of his grasp. “Don’t touch me!”

Raiden stumbles back and drops his hand to his side where it trembles.

The rain pours down around us, the downpour deafening. I can’t breathe around the ache in my throat. My eyes burn, wet from rain and tears. Raiden’s lip wobbles, his eyes glossy with pain.

“Jinta.” My name is a broken croak from his lips. “I was never any good for you. I have nothing to offer you, nothing except danger and death and pain. And you…” His voice breaks, face crumpling. “You’re the one person I’ve ever wanted to protect. My sunshine. I want to be a better person. For you. But I’ll never be. I’m too fucked up. My world is too dangerous. I can’t be the reason you die or get hurt anymore.”

I want to fall apart as his eyes fill with tears and his voice shakes with anguish.

But for once in my life, I’m just too hurt, too angry, to take any shit. Not from him, not from my family.

Something between a laugh and a sob escapes me. “You’re scared.” I understand, finally, and I know for a fact that he’s putting up walls and shutting me out because of what happened yesterday with his mom.

Raiden balls his fists. “I’m not. Fear has nothing to do with it! I’m not good for you, I—”

“Seeing your mother again messed with your head.” This is about his mother and how things ended between his parents. He can’t push me away. My parents pushed me away, my brother, my ex-boyfriend. I won’t be able to take it… not from him. “She made you doubt our bond. Your parents weren’t fated, Raiden. They couldn’t have been. I’d never hurt you like your mother was hurt. I’d never leave you.”

“You have to!” Raiden shouts, voice shaking. “You have no future with me, if you don’t leave, you’ll—”

“Then tell me to leave!” Pain splits my heart in two, tears mixing with the rain coursing down my face. I make myself move toward him.

Please, don’t push me away. Please, don’t hurt me like this. Not you. It was never supposed to be you breaking my heart like this.

I tip my chin up and look him in the eyes, daring him to fight for us. “If this is really what you want, then tell me, and I’ll go. It’s up to you.” My voice shakes, and I struggle to catch my breath as silence descends on us.

Raiden opens his mouth, and a broken sound escapes him. His lips tremble and he closes his eyes tight, shoulders shaking.

I can’t take it anymore. I grab his cold hands and hold them to my chest. “I know it hurts. I know you’re scared this isn’t going to work out. I get it. Okay? I’m scared, too. Everything feels hopeless. But we could still find your father. The kitsune curse can still be cured. This isn’t over. We can still have a future together but only if we fight for it, and I’m always going to fight for you, Raiden. Until the end. Because I’ve never loved anyone like I love you.”

Agonized brown eyes swim in tears as Raiden finally meets my gaze.

I’m so close to winning him over, I can feel it.

“Fight, Raiden. For us. Please.”

Raiden parts his trembling lips, but no words come out. His eyes drop to the five-yen coin around my neck, and I see the moment he makes up his mind as his eyes harden and his expression turns cold. Raiden jerks his hand free. “I can’t love you, Jinta. I’ll never be who you want me to be. I’m yakuza. This is my life. That’s never going to change.”

Something inside me breaks, and I can’t breathe.

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