Page 48 of Curses & Kitsune

“Then why did you leave me?” Anguish makes her voice shake.

There’s a moment of silence filled with so much anguish I can barely breathe. Finally, Raiden says, voice hoarse, “I, uh… I was an idiot. A coward. I didn’t realize how lucky I was to have you. But I’m back now. I’m here.”

“You said I was your destiny.”

“You are,” Raiden whispers. “Always.”

Shoko sighs, the sound as sweet and gentle as a warm spring breeze as it thaws the winter snow. I wish they could have a fresh start, a new beginning. But I know it can’t be. Shoko will be gone from this world soon, and the only one who will miss her and mourn her loss is the son she abandoned. As much as I feel for her loneliness and pain, I can’t forgive what she did to Raiden.

Raiden swallows audibly. “Whatever happened to our son, Shoko?”

There’s a long pause. I look up as Shoko lowers her hands from Raiden’s face and curls them in the blankets. “After you left, I…” In the sudden quiet, a bird sings a lonesome song outside the window. “I couldn’t bear to stay in that house with the boy any longer. I had failed him in every way a mother could fail her child. Just as I failed you, dear.”

“How do you know that?” Anger and heartache bleed into Raiden’s voice. “Did he tell you that? How can you know what he felt?”

“Every time I looked at him, I saw you,” she whispers, voice trembling. “You told me I was your destiny. That we were fated. And you tore our bond to shreds. I had no love left in me to give, not to myself, not to our son. I hated him. Hated how he reminded me of you. Hated that cold, empty house. Then, your organization came to collect, and you’d left me with nothing! Nothing but that boy. I gave him to the yakuza. To his grandfather.”

“Why?” Raiden’s voice shakes. “Why would you do that to me?”

She squeezes her shaking hands in her lap. “It was what was best for him. He would be well provided for, and he’d always loved his grandfather. I saved him from a miserable life with me.”

“I needed—” Raiden’s voice cracks down the middle, and he sucks in a harsh breath. “He didn’t need the yakuza. He needed you. His mother. He’d just been abandoned, for god’s sake, and you abandoned him again!” His voice shakes violently, thick with grief and anger. Raiden lurches from the bed and paces to the window, moving too fast for me to get a look at his face. Shoulders rising and falling fast, he grips the window ledge and hangs his head. “You destroyed him,” he whispers.

Shoko exhales, and a tear spills down her cheek. Lips tight together, she dashes it away. “I did what I thought was best for the boy. There’s no changing the past. He was better off anywhere than with me.”

“That wasn’t your choice to make!” Raiden shouts, whirling toward her. My heart seizes in my chest. His eyes are red and wet, his whole body shaking with grief and fury. In the sudden quiet, he pants harshly, sucking in gulps of air through trembling lips. God, I want to go to him and hold him, but I can’t. I blink away the burn in my eyes and force myself not to intervene. Raiden has to battle his demons, and it’s not a fight I can help him win.

A broken sound escapes Shoko, and she folds, hiding her face in her quaking hands. “Why did you leave me?” she asks between shuddery sobs that rack her body. “We were happy. I—I didn’t know how to go through life without you!”

I can’t help but feel glad she’s so torn up about what she did, even though my heart hurts for them both. She should feel guilty, but Raiden’s father is to blame for all of this. He tore their family apart and caused them both so much pain.

“I would have gone anywhere with you, Kenta.” She wipes her streaming eyes. “Back to Osaka. We should have stayed there. We were so happy. Do you remember our secret spot where we’d meet, away from our families? You said it was the only place you felt safe, there with me. Not even the cops knew where to find you there. It was just us. Not our disapproving families. No yakuza. It was perfect.”

Raiden scrubs a hand down his face. “I don’t remember.” His voice is wiped clean of emotion.

Shoko shakes her head. “How could you forget? Our little cabin near Kodai-ji Temple. You marked the trees with your claws so we could always find our way there.”

My heart skips. Is it possible that Noboru is there?

Raiden pushes off from the window ledge. “I’m done here.” He walks by me to the door.

“I’m sorry,” Shoko says, and Raiden freezes. “For everything.”

Raiden’s hands clench at his sides. He doesn’t speak, just walks out. I take in a deep breath, my entire body tense. That was brutal just watching, so I can’t imagine how Raiden must be feeling. He needs me, but my feet are locked in place. Anger burns in my gut. I can’t leave, not before I’ve spoken to Shoko.

Shoko’s eyes narrow at me as I approach her bedside. Wetting my lips, I say, “I know your son. Raiden.”

Her fingers tense in the blankets, balling the fabric. “Ah,” is all she says.

Filling my lungs, I press on. “He’s made a life for himself, despite the pain you caused him. He’s strong. Brave. One of the best people I know. I love your son.”

Surprise widens Shoko’s eyes.

“I… I don’t know how he feels about me, but I’m almost certain he loves me, too. Almost.” Anger makes my fingers clench. “I say almost because he puts up these walls, and it can be hard to get close to him. It’s hard for him to be open about how he feels. After what you did to him, I don’t blame him at all. This amazing man doesn’t think he’s deserving of love. And that? That’s all on you. You did that to him. You hurt him so badly, and I—”

My heart pounds, and I have to grit my teeth to rein in my anger. “I hate you for hurting him that way.” My voice cracks on the words, eyes stinging. “You’ll never get to see the amazing person he became all by himself… without you. That’s your loss. I’m going to love him in all the ways you couldn’t. He’s going to know every day that he’s wanted and loved and that he changed my life for the better. Because that, that is what he deserves!”

Shoko dips her head. “I see. Then I thank you for doing what I could not.”

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