Page 21 of Curses & Kitsune

No. I can’t hold that against him, even if hearing him admit it breaks a dam inside me, flooding me with all the insecurities I’ve been trying to hold back. “Do you…” I swallow hard. “Do you even want a normal life with me? Is that something you’ll ever be happy with?”

A sigh falls from his lips. Scraping a hand over his unshaven jaw, Raiden looks away. “I don’t know if that’s something I deserve.” In the quiet that falls like a guillotine between us, he finally looks at me, and my own uncertainties darken his eyes.

My throat aches when I ask, “Then why are we doing this?” I don’t know what this is. Fighting for our future? Trying to be in a relationship? Both?

Raiden just gives a hopeless shake of his head. “I’m yakuza, Jinta. This is the only life I know. There’s a chance it will always be that way. Is that something you can handle?”

I take in his bloodied appearance, and my heart seizes. I don’t think I can. Who in their right mind would be able to handle seeing the man they love get hurt time and again? So much could go wrong. He could be killed by hunters, other yakuza, or cops. Get arrested and thrown in jail. My lungs tighten, cutting off oxygen. I need to get out. Get away. Just for a little while. Turning my back, I make for the door.

“Where’re you going?” His voice is panicked.

“Out. I have to be alone.”

“Jinta—” The clump of his boots pursues me to the door.

“Don’t!” I bark, whirling on him.

Raiden freezes in place, eyes wild, hands in fists at his sides. He doesn’t move, but it looks like it’s costing him a great deal of effort.

Blinking fast, I let the door slam in Raiden’s devastated face.

I roam the streets for an hour, directionless and lost in a fog. In all the chaos, no guards followed me. I finally have breathing room, yet my chest is tight with anxiety. Craving some quiet, I leave the bustling main streets behind and find myself walking among rows of quaint, tightly packed houses on a peaceful residential street. The road is only a single lane, and plenty of people on bikes ride past. The sun warms my shoulders while birds twitter. It’s a beautiful day, and I wish I was in the right headspace to enjoy it.

This isn’t the first fight we’ve had, and it isn’t even our worst one, but fear twists around my heart. What if he chooses the yakuza life over me? What if he decides we’re through?

My anxious thoughts make no sense, but all I can remember is the big fight my ex-boyfriend Takahiro and I had. It plays on a loop, tormenting me. He’d been angry because I was away studying in Tokyo. I’d made him feel like he came secondary to my studies. Then, when I came home for Christmas to surprise him, I’d found him having sex with my brother.

Raiden wouldn’t leave. He wouldn’t. He’s made it clear how committed he is to me. Even though I’ve done nothing to deserve his devotion. But what if—

My head starts to spin. My feet trip over each other, and I lunge to catch myself on the wall. A pit yawns in my chest.

“Raiden will leave. He’ll choose his pack over you. You heard him.” Tamano’s voice croons in my ear.

“Shut up…” I cover my ears and close my eyes. “Just shut up!” Fur thickens on my arms, and the copper tang of blood bursts in my mouth as my fangs cut my lip. My breathing grows short and ragged. Someone dings their bicycle bell. Children scream and laugh as they chase each other through the streets. Fuck, everything is so loud.

“Shut up,” I snarl, and lunge.

The child screams as I grab his little wrist between my claws. He wails, a chubby little thing with plump, soft flesh.

My phone buzzes and jerks me from the haze of fury.

I yank my hand back. “I… I’m so sorry!” But the little kid is already running away, crying. What the fuck is wrong with me?

My phone rings again. Snarling, I yank it from my pocket. It’s Ren. Relief rushes through me. I need someone to talk to. “Hey. I’m really sorry about earlier. Are you okay? Did I…” I swallow hard, remorse making my eyes sting. “Did I hurt you?”

Her tinkling laugh soothes the ache in my chest. “No! I’m a werewolf. I healed. You weren’t in control. But don’t worry. Raiden is going to come up with a solution.”

I scoff before I can stop myself. “No, he won’t. Not as long as the solution means tracking down his father.”

“Did he say that?”

“Yup.” Bitterness seeps into my voice.

Ren sighs softly. “I’m sorry. Sounds like he’s being pigheaded.”

I scoff. “Yeah, really.” More than that. He was hurting at the very idea of seeing his father again. I could feel echoes of his pain beneath the anger through our bond. A perk of being a kitsune, I guess. “I don’t want to put him through something that’s going to hurt him. But I can’t do this on my own. I’m not familiar with the magical underworld like he is.”

“I know someone who is.”

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