Page 115 of Hate To Love You

“Yes, I go back to campus after Christmas.”

He stands straight, running a hand through his hair again. It must be a nervous gesture. “Okay…” he starts. “Can I take you to dinner?” his eyes meet mine, and they’re full of hope.

Dinner? With Hayden Sawyer? My first crush, my first kiss, my ex’s older brother. My mind races as I think of what to say. Part of me wants to say yes, but the other part of me thinks of Ryker. I don’t feel the same way I do about Ryker with Hayden.

With Hayden, there’s no longer a pang of longing. The memory of him is warm, like an old favorite song, but it doesn't stir me the way it once did. Hayden was my first taste of romantic feelings, a gentle introduction to the world of love and emotions.

But now, those feelings seemed almost childish, a naive prelude to what I now feel for Ryker. Ryker, with his crooked smile and the way he makes me feel seen and understood. The way I feel about him is deep and consuming. It’s real, raw, and all-encompassing. But right now, all of that is overshadowed by a storm of anger and frustration.

My chest tightens as I think of the reason I’m mad at him.

The sting of the thought cuts deep, and I think maybe I should give him a chance to explain. But what is there to explain? Amy was really convincing, and with Ryker’s past, it’s not hard to believe that I’m not enough for him.

Yet, despite the anger and betrayal I feel right now, I can’t deny that I still have feelings for him. I think I might even love him.

I feel like this brought us right back to the beginning, when I couldn’t stand him, and we only spoke about the project. Except, now I know what it’s like to have him, to want him. I miss him. I miss the way his presence could calm me, the way his touch could make everything seem right. But I blocked him. I told him never to contact me again, and at the time it seemed like the right thing. But now I wish I could take it back.

As much as I thought I loved Hayden and Dawson, the way I feel about Ryker surpasses it all.

I just wish I could talk to him, tell him how I feel. In reality, I could, but I’m choosing not to because I don’t know if I can handle hearing his voice.

“Gwen?” Hayden’s voice brings me back to the present. I look up into his blue eyes as they search my face, waiting for me to answer his question.

“Sorry. I um… I’m kind of seeing someone,” I half lie. Technically, Ryker and I aren’t really together anymore, but I still feel connected to him. I still have these strong feelings for him, and I couldn’t possibly start anything with anyone new right now.

Hayden’s face falls slightly before he fixes it with a wistful smile. He nods, and I can tell that isn’t the answer he was hoping for. It wouldn’t be a good idea for us to go to dinner. Not after I dated his brother for three years. Everything’s changed now, and even if I wanted him back then, I’ve moved on.

“Oh, well… that’s good. Someone from school?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“Do you love him?” he wonders, his question taking me off guard.

“It’s complicated…” I tell him, because the truth is, yes, I do love him, but he doesn’t know it.

Hayden tilts his head in question. “What do you mean?”

I sigh. “We’re not exactly talking right now.”

“Did something happen?” Hayden asks sincerely. I feel weird talking to him about this, but I like that he still cares.

“Sort of,” I shrug. Hayden walks over to the coffee machine, pouring two cups of coffee, adding cream and sugar to one before coming around the counter to hand me one. He gestures to an empty table in the corner.

We take a seat and I look out the window, watching snowflakes fall to the ground like I’m in a life size snow globe.

“Tell me everything,” Hayden orders, and I do. I tell him everything while I try to keep myself from crying because I am not allowing myself to cry in front of him. I’m not allowing myself to shed any more tears for Ryker.

“How do you know this Amy chick wasn’t lying?” he asks once I’m finished filling him in.

I shrug. “I don’t, but I-” he cuts me off.

“So, you don’t know for sure that this guy even cheated on you? You’re just taking the word of some girl who sounds like she’s a jealous bitch?” he questions. Well, when you put it like that…

“I-”

“Listen, Gwen. It seems like you really care for this guy, and even though he sounds like kind of a douche, it seems like he cares about you too,” he starts, grabbing my hand over the table and looking me in the eye. “I get where you’re coming from, but you should let him tell you his side of the story. If not for him, do it for yourself. Maybe it’ll help give you closure,” Hayden’s features soften, and it reminds me of the night he kissed me for the first time.

Hayden’s always been a sweet guy, and it’s nice to see nothing has changed. I’d been debating on whether or not to give Ryker the opportunity to explain, and I think this might’ve been the push I needed to do exactly that.

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