Page 144 of Mine to Ruin

He’s still Kian, my Kian. What happened to him? And why wasn’t my love enough? Our hurt combined pulverizes my heart.

“Tell me I am the only one. Lie to me. I need you to lie to me,” I plead, brimming with weakness for this man.

He grips my chin, his eyes fixed on mine. “It’s the fucking truth, angel. No need to lie.”

“Make love to me.”

His eyes widen. Does he need alcohol to soften toward me?

The gentleness in which he undresses me, as I lay on my back, is when déjà vu hits me, and he chuckles.

“Just like the first time. Too bad it will be the last time.”

And this time, I cry for a very different reason. Even though you love someone with all your heart, sadly, the reality is you can’t be together.

We fall asleep together, but I wake up to an empty bed.

When I make myself get up and begin the day, everything becomes a blur I can’t focus on. Nothing commits to memory, no words other than his cutting jabs play over in my mind.

People come and go. In the haze of last-minute preparations, I put my smile on and wear it as if it were a twenty-four hour lasting make up. We have dinner with my parents, and another round of awkwardness ensues when my aunt arrives. If I were more interested in everybody else than my dying heart, I would have prevented my aunt and Walter from sitting across from each other.

I could feel the pain of an unclosable wound, the memories you can’t get rid of, neither of the events that led to decimating a love. Is this how I will end up too? With someone else but eyeing the love of my life with a combination of acceptance, remorse, and guilt? A whole life passes in their gazes, but everyone else seems to be too eager for small talk. Only Richard’s expression remains smug. I guess he got what he wished for. My cell rings and when I see it’s Brandon, I excuse myself and answer.

“I am sorry,” is the first thing he says.

“You keep saying that.” I close the door behind me in the bathroom and lean against the door.

“At least you picked up this time.”

“It’s not that easy.”

He sighs, and I ask, “Are you coming tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

It’s a small relief and when I hang up, I splash some water on my face. The door opens and Kian’s fierce expression pierces me.

“I hope you two are discreet.”

“I am not in the mood.” I grip the sink and his jaw grinds.

“If this ever goes public….”

“It won’t. You know what? Believe whatever you want.” I cut him off with a hand gesture. What would go public, our friendship in the worst case? I am so sick of this. I don’t even want to tell him the truth anymore.

“Start taking that damn pill already.”

I snap at him. “I thought you wouldn’t touch me anymore.”

His eyes bore into mine. “I won’t.” And then it hits me, and I ball my fists at my side. Has he ever known me, even a little bit? When he shuts the door, my aunt rushes in and lets out a sigh.

“So many years, and that man still affects me.”

“That’s terrible, I can’t have that.” Suspicion crosses her face and I rush to add, “It’s the nerves.”

When everyone retires, I plop my ass down on the kitchen stool.

“That was awkward.” I bite into an apple, and Kian snatches it.

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