Page 54 of Little Rabbit

I don’t move, staring at her. A part of me wants to grant her that request, but the rest of me is screaming not to back away. To not let her grow more space between us. And I always trust my gut, so instead of doing as she asks, I ease back slightly, but only enough that I can cup her chin with my fingers. At first she resists, but I hold firm, until some of that fire comes back in her eyes as she glares at me. It pleases me to see it there, but I ignore it and say firmly, “Sienna, I am not leaving you alone. Don’t even think to ask me to do that, cara mia, because the answer will always be no. If you are feeling overwhelmed, you need to tell me why; you need to give me the reasons. And maybe I don’t need to fix them, but I want to know about them. I want to ease whatever pain you’re feeling. You are not alone here, and I’m not going to let you have another panic attack like you did before because you’re so upset or in your head where I can barely reach you. So tell me what the problem is, so we can figure out what to do next. Give me the pain that put the shadows in your eyes.”

“I don’t need you?—”

“Tell me,” I interrupt firmly. “I’m not moving from this spot until you do. So tell me.”

She looks like she still wants to argue. I’m not letting her push me away. Not now, not ever. Sienna might not want to believe that we’re going to be more to each other than she can even fathom, but I do. And soon enough, she’s going to see it.

My sweet little rabbit is done running, even if she doesn’t want to admit it.

26

SIENNA

How am I supposed to tell this man that it feels like I’m coming apart at the seams? Like I’m grasping at a fraying string that’s about to send me plummeting down into a dark, unknown hole? I’m supposed to be fighting this tooth and nail, trying to keep my distance from this man and all he stands for. Sex only, nothing else. No attachments, no learning more about the mafia than necessary. But here I am, facing it, and even helping it.

Hearing Alessio talk about the soldiers that will no doubt die, who will leave behind their wives and children because of my suggestion, is almost too much. I was a fool to think I could keep that separate. Thinking of this war from a sideline view is one thing. Staying ahead of my murderous family is not the same as being here in the middle of it and realizing tonight how dangerous it is, how vulnerable I am.

I was annoyed, irritated even, when that guard grabbed me, but when he said he would rape me and would enjoy it, it was like a punch to the gut. And it only makes me think back to what Alessio said to me in Scotland. What he warned me would happen.

They’ll toss you to their men to rape and torture until you’re nothing more than a broken shell.

I was so naive to think it wouldn’t happen to me. That I wouldn’t let it happen. But here I am, in a house that’s supposed to be safe, dealing with that. Not to mention, I just watched Alessio kill a man in front of me. It’s one thing to watch that on TV, and another to witness it first hand. But perhaps the worst part is I’m not sad about it. I’m not as horrified as I should be. Instead, I’m almost thankful he’s dead. How is that right? How can that possibly be okay?

I don’t even realize the tear that’s slipped out from the corner of my eye until Alessio’s expression changes from one of sternness to confusion and then grim determination. “Sienna, I need you to talk to me, coniglietto,” he coaxes, releasing my chin to wipe gently at the tear before cupping my cheek in his palm. “Seeing you cry makes me want to murder someone, and I don’t think we can afford to lose another guard tonight.” I know he’s trying to be funny, but it only makes the burn in my chest intensify, and more tears fall. “Fuck,” he hisses, dropping his hand and then picking me up from the vanity and holding me close, using one hand to hook my legs around his waist. I don’t fight him; instead, I just bury my face in his neck, silently crying. “I’m sorry, cara mia,” he murmurs, pressing a gentle kiss to my temple. “Talk to me. Let me fix it.”

Any other time, I might find it amusing that Alessio almost sounds half-panicked, but everything feels so chaotic in my mind I can’t do anything but hold tight and remain silent. I feel him moving, and I lift my head to find him sitting down on the wide edge of the tub surround, arranging me in his lap. He cups the side of my face again, holding me still and looking down at me, eyes intense on mine. “I feel like I’m falling apart, Alessio,” I whisper brokenly, “and I don’t know how to stop it.”

“Why do you feel this way? Explain it to me.”

I swipe at the tears on my face, trying to figure out how to tell him. How to make him understand. “Remember how I said the other night I don’t know how I’m going to function in this world?” He nods. “Well, tonight only proved it even more. I sat there and discussed how you could send men to their deaths. How could I do that and not feel guilty? Or at least shame, for doing it? It’s one thing to be on the sidelines, it’s another thing to participate. And that guard, as much as I want to tell you that you shouldn’t have killed him, he deserved to die. Not for what he did to me, or threatened me with, but for what he’s obviously done in the past to another woman. Seeing him fall dead, I felt this dark satisfaction. What kind of person does that make me?”

“It makes you human, Sienna,” he tells me softly, his thumb stroking lightly against my cheek. “You think that all the women out there that have been raped wouldn’t want to be in your shoes right now, seeing their attacker dead? Not one of them would shed a tear over them. And while that didn’t happen to you, it’s still enough to shake you up. Especially knowing your mother’s past, and what you’ve been training for your entire life. As for the rest of it, I take that blame, not you. I shouldn’t have pulled you into the meeting, put you in that position in the first place, but I can’t turn back time to fix it. Instead, all I can tell you is that I’ll never do that again.

“The women in our lives aren’t part of these kinds of things for this reason. Most women don’t need our darkness staining them because of the decisions we have to make. Will it help you feel better to know that the men who will die, they are going to their deaths knowing they will arrive in hell for doing the same as the guard who dared touch you tonight? The De Luca men, they’re known for being ruthless, and none of their soldiers are innocent. Some of their crimes are too much to even think of telling you. They don’t deserve your guilt, and they certainly don’t deserve any of your pity, Sienna.”

“I still can’t help feeling like I should feel bad for their children and their wives.”

“Their wives would probably thank you. The De Luca family are known for their hatred of women, and that extends to their soldiers. They purposely pick men that have the same mindset as themselves. They don’t care about their wives, about their female children. They want sons to be the next soldiers, and they are raising them to be like them. Perhaps those children who are still young will have a chance to be different, but under current hands, it won’t break the cycle.”

“I still feel guilty, I just can’t turn that off,” I protest softly. “I’m not built for this life, Alessio. I’m built to be a regular person that doesn’t think about the darkness of the world and what happens outside of my safety bubble. Growing up, there were whispers by random people on the street, or sometimes kids in school or at college if someone got mixed up in it. Now, I’m thrust into this life. And it’s not like I can ease into it. Instead, I have to worry about being kidnapped and sold off to the highest bidder, or dying in a war. I just want my life to be normal again, and knowing it never will be, is painful.”

Alessio’s eyes cloud with regret as he lowers his forehead to press against mine, his arms tightening around me. I grip his shirt in my hand, looking at him beneath my lashes. “I want to say that I’m sorry, cara mia, but I can’t. I can’t, because that would mean that you would be away from me, and as selfish as it is, I never want to lose you. But I can promise you once this is over, you and I can find a new normal. We can find a way to make you happy. Maybe it won’t be the same, but life doesn’t stop moving just because we aren’t ready or aren’t sure of where it will lead.”

“We barely know each other, Alessio; you can’t be sure this would even work. And, even if we did, how do we know it won’t just be for a little while before we turn miserable? You said yourself, there is no escaping this life now that I’m in it. So what happens if you get sick of me, or you find someone else that you would prefer to be with? Where does that leave me? It’s the unknowns that scare me the most, and it’s not like I can run back to my parents without leading a bunch of mobsters to their door. It’s like I know I’m going to lose them, all because of who I happened to be born to.” Just the thought fills me with despair.

“I will never want another, coniglietto. I know this with every part of me. I knew it the minute I read your file and saw your picture. I knew it the moment you left that note on the back of my SUV. I even knew it when you tied me to the bed in Spain and took that stupid picture. Even as angry as I was, I knew you were going to make my life interesting; you were going to make me work harder every day to make you see it as well. A man can’t get sick of the woman who is his utter obsession. And as for your parents, once this is over, they’ll be free to come and see you, or you see them, whenever you wish. This is not a normal time for us, and we would let it be known that your parents are under our protection. They will be safe. I’ll ensure it, because they are important to you, which means they are important to me.”

A part of me wants so badly to believe him. Wants so badly to accept everything he’s saying and throw caution to the wind. But I hold myself back, because I’m not so far gone to let myself do something stupid or reckless. “But you want me to be your wife, Alessio, and that means certain responsibilities I don’t understand yet. What if I’m terrible at all of them? And how can I be okay with that when I know that everything that goes on isn’t something I can always agree with?”

“All things come in time, cara mia. I’m not a Don yet, and possibly not for many years, if my father lives as long as we predict. Which means there is no role for you to fill other than being the woman that drives back the darkness on the bad days, and the one to keep me in check when I’ve lost my way. Everything else, that will get easier with time. And if I’m being honest, I don’t want you to lose your conscience. I see bad all the time that I often forget about the good; about the people that are outside our own small world. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, and we’re both going to struggle until we find our footing, but we can do it together. When you’re feeling as anxious as you are now, you need to talk to me, not push me away. No more running, coniglietto mia,” he says with a soft tilt of his lips.

“Something tells me you’d catch me anyway,” I reply with a slight smile of my own. But it slips away and I whisper, “I’m scared, Alessio. So scared to lose myself, scared to fail or have someone get hurt because of me. Scared of screwing up and embarrassing you or your family, or hell, even Gia.”

“You can’t fail if you have me to lift you back up or catch you before you do. And who cares if you embarrass anyone else? The only person who matters is you, and everyone else can fuck off. You’ll learn in time. I’m sure Gia would help you if you asked her. Despite everything, she and Sofia have years of knowledge and experience to share. Though, make sure you ignore any of the stories that Sofia tells you, because those are wildly over exaggerated.”

I pull my head away from him and give him a yeah-right look. “Something tells me that she can’t exaggerate enough.” He smirks at me, neither confirming or denying anything, but that’s all I need to know. We lapse into silence for a long moment before I finally give in to my impulse and lean forward, pressing my lips to his. I pull away before he can take it any further and murmur, “The water is probably cold by now.”

Alessio looks like he wants to drag me back over to him, but instead, he dips a hand down into the water. “Indeed. We’re just going to have to fill it back up, won’t we?” He pulls his hand back out, kisses me again, a little harder this time, and then lifts me from his lap and gets to his feet. “Undress, coniglietto, and I’ll take care of it.”

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