Page 19 of Pucking Amazing

DJ’s eyes widen. “What? No, man, that’s not what I meant at all. The whole team needs to?—”

“Because it sure as hell sounded like it,” I cut him off, straightening up abruptly in my seat. “Sorry I’m not fucking perfect like you, DJ. Sorry I can’t just shrug off another goddamn loss and act like everything’s fine.”

“Ty, c’mon, I never said that. I’m not blaming you.” DJ tentatively raises his hand, reaching out like he wants to touch me, but I jerk away.

“Right. Because nothing’s ever your fault, is it? Must be nice, being so goddamn flawless.”

I’m in his face now, blood pounding in my ears. I know I’m overreacting, I know he doesn’t deserve this, but it’s like a dam has burst inside me, all the fear and inadequacy and self-doubt pouring out.

DJ’s jaw tightens, a muscle ticking in his cheek. “You know what, screw you. I’m just trying to help the team. Sorry for giving a shit.”

“I don’t need your fucking help!” The words tear out of me, louder than I mean them to be. Raw, exposed, like an open wound. “I can handle it myself. I don’t need you—or anyone else—telling me how to do my job.”

We’re both breathing hard, chests heaving, glaring at each other. My heart hammers against my ribs. I’m stripped bare under DJ’s gaze, all my flaws and weaknesses laid out for him to see.

How did we get here? Minutes ago we were laughing together, the warmth of his body pressed against mine a sweet torture. Now it’s like a chasm has split open between us, jagged and deep.

And I put it there.

I drag a hand over my face, suddenly exhausted. “You know what, just…forget it. I can’t do this right now.”

I turn away, needing to put some distance between us before I say something else I regret.

Before I let him see how much he affects me.

“Fine. Be a dick then. See if I care.” DJ’s voice is rough, strained. Hurt. I flinch at the sound of it but I don’t turn back, can’t bear to see the look on his face. To see how much damage I’ve done.

I sink down in my seat, grabbing my headphones from my backpack and pulling them down over my ears, a clear signal that this conversation is over.

Fuck. How did I let my stupid insecurities ruin everything?

Because that’s what this is really about, if I’m being honest with myself. It’s not about the game, not really. It’s about me and my fragile ego, so easily threatened by someone like DJ. Someone confident and secure in who he is, on and off the ice. Everything I wish I could be but I’m not.

Everything I…

No. I can’t go there. Can’t even let myself think it. With all the pressures of the team on my shoulders right now, I do not have the bandwidth for an identity crisis.

So I do what I always do—I bury it down deep, lock it away.

Pretend it’s not there, eating away at me, hollowing me out bit by bit.

In the airport, I spot Sydney walking ahead of the players with Coach Emma, her long brown hair swaying as she walks. I jog to catch up with her. After we really got into it about my stress this season last week, Sydney told me she was always available to talk if I needed it.

And after everything that just went down, my mind is a tangled mess.

I need a distraction, something to get my head on straight. Maybe I’ve been reading into things too much, but I’ve felt a flicker of attraction from Sydney over the past few weeks. Right now, nothing sounds better than some alone time with a beautiful woman who just happens to be an incredibly easy person to talk to.

“Tyler, hi!” Sydney says as I pull up beside her, shooting me a warm and sweet smile.

“Hey, I was wondering if you might want to hang tonight?” Sydney’s eyes grow large and I plow ahead. “I know it’s a bit unorthodox since you’re working with the guys, but technically I’m not your patient so...maybe it’s okay to grab a drink?”

There’s a pause and for a second I think she’ll turn me down. But then?—

“You know what, I’d love to! It’s been a hell of a week and I could use a chance to unwind. I need some time to head home and change my clothes though; meet you at Finnegan’s at 9?”

“Perfect, it’s a date. Well, not a date date but—” God I’m an idiot. I hope I’m not blushing.

“I know what you mean,” she laughs. “See you then!”

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