Page 165 of Crazy for this Girl

Right now, though, it’s not going to happen.

I’ve had enough to last me the rest of the night, where I’ll toss and turn, wonder what in God’s name I’m supposed to do with everything he told me, and Google the effects on soldiers that come back from war.

After Laynee hurled me into the lake, it was code for our conversation needing to take a halftime break before shit kept spewing that didn’t need to be said. I also needed to clear my head before I started acting like I was an obsessed teenager again.

I’ve said enough, even though I’m not nearly done with everything from the past. And as much as I would’ve loved to have fucked her in my old childhood room afterward with all my wet clothes sticking to her curvy frame, this wasn’t going to be an overnight thing. We still have a lot to talk about and the area between coming home from overseas until now is a gray spot for her.

Half of it is a blur in spots for me too.

Answering some emails after changing out of my sopping clothes, I get to what I know keeps my mind from drifting back. I get stuck in memories, mistakes, and Laynee, and my father’s enterprise that he wanted to shove so far down my throat coats them for a little while.

Not only do I regret everything that’s transpired, but I’m embarrassed. My pride has taken more of a hit than it ever has because coming back from a war wasn’t just falling back into my life. It was a mindfuck of dark thoughts and hopelessness. It was losing myself in clouds of bleak darkness because every waking moment or just moving could trigger an episode of PTSD.

I don’t see my therapist much anymore, having learned along the way how to try and deal with the cards I’ve been given. However, a good night’s sleep and I haven’t been acquainted in years. My brain just ceases to stop running at all times with evaluating my surroundings, the odds and probabilities of things happening and not happening. I fixate on things I can’t control, and now, what I’ve done to Laynee and seeing her cry.

It felt like a creature was clawing its way through my chest.

The hurt in her eyes, the way she flinched when I touched her, it was enough to know the effect my disappearance caused.

And it was on both sides.

Nothing ever felt right, a shift in the universe where I felt as though I walked around like a zombie. I tried to push by it and shove it away into a class of denial. It was easier that way, ignoring it. Pretending that it didn’t bother me as much as it did.

But Laynee was always going to bother me.

Not being with her bothered me.

Not talking to her on a daily basis demolished my ever being able to function properly.

Until she walked from the back of that flower shop and damn well thrusted my existence back into motion.

A hard knock on my front door pries me from work, and when I go to it, Jonah is standing on my front porch with Laynee looking down at her feet with her side to me.

Pissed.

“Hey, Cal,” Jonah greets with his normal and easy smile. “We’re over to invite you to dinner.”

I glance at the woman who’s blatantly ignoring me and too busy burning a hole into my newly renovated deck.

“Thanks,” I offer, then kindly give Laynee an easy out. “But I have a lot of work to do.”

“It’s the weekend,” her brother counters, looking behind me to study the inside of my house. “You’re also on a mini vacation.”

“I know, but it’s been a busy month. I need to make sure I stay on top of things.”

“Don’t you have people that do most of that for you? I mean, you should, you are the CEO.”

I shake my head because that would be relying on people to do shit right. However, I change the subject, stepping aside and opening my door wider. “You haven’t been in here yet. Check it out.”

“Thanks.” Jonah helps himself to my living room and through the kitchen while his sister remains glued to her spot.

“You gonna come in, Laynee?”

“Nope.”

I step forward, letting the front door slam shut behind me with a bang, then round her back. “Did you come back to see if I drowned?”

She tsks but says nothing more. I’m lucky to be even standing in front of her right now. I know everything I did was fucked up, but I was right in thinking I wasn’t going to be me when I got back.

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