Page 161 of Crazy for this Girl

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you have a big mouth.” I open mine to rip into him, but he continues with, “And I had a feeling that if he found out, he’d follow through, and I couldn’t protect you from overseas. I wasn’t going to risk it. I’d never gamble with your livelihood.”

“We could’ve…” Run? Told the authorities? Would they even listen?

“We could’ve done what?” He hits me with a discerning frown and slightly rocks his head back and forth. “I was in boot camp within less than twelve hours of my father’s magnificent surprise for me. I didn’t have a phone until I got out. But then, when I did, I knew I had a really good chance of getting deployed. And I didn’t want you waiting around for me in case I didn’t come back.”

“But I had a right to know. I was your best friend,” I justify sharply. “I could’ve written you and—”

“You did. Those random emails cussing me out and telling me you didn’t want to talk to me.” His lips lift weakly. “You were the only thing that was worth coming back for.”

“Don’t say that,” I snap, feeling my heart slam into my ribs with anxiety over and over again with each beat in my chest. “Don’t tell me you didn’t care about yourself when you were gone.”

“I didn’t, Laynee. My whole world got rocked, and the girl I wanted to be with…she was off living her life like she should’ve been. Without me. I was a body in a place I didn’t want to be, that was forced on me, and I wasn’t going to drag you along for the ride.”

I shove at him, landing on his bicep but barely moving him. “You didn’t get to make that choice for me! It hurt not hearing from you and not knowing the reason why.”

“No,” he replies flatly as if what he’s saying is final. “Because I know you cared for me in some capacity that it would’ve killed you inside if I would’ve died. I wasn’t doing that to you, Laynee. You didn’t deserve that.”

“You already did that. Do you know how many nights I laid in bed wondering what I did? How you could just drop me after everything we discussed about being together in North Carolina?”

“I wanted to be there, Laynee, but—”

“What happened when you came home? Where did you go?”

“Home.”

My stomach drops and nothing else of what I’m feeling wants to form it into words. I’m at a loss of what to say and how to express it freely to make sense. He suffered a war while I became a casualty in the dark.

Cal shifts his body, facing me fully. “I meant what I said for Jonah to slow his shit down with his girlfriend. We were first, Laynee.”

I don’t care about all that.

I’m still wrapping my mind around him being in a war with guns, and bombs, and tanks, and death.

While I was too busy hating his guts, then missing him like a love-sick puppy. He was fighting for his life. And I was fighting to forget him.

“Laynee.” My name is uttered on a desperate plea. One that I hear but can’t respond to. Years and years of unbearable grief and sadness washes over me again. If I had found out that Cal died while loathing him, it would’ve been ten times worse. “I still love you.”

A broken sob fractures from my throat, and I step away from him, angry at everything that’s unfolded between us, pissed that he made decisions for me that he didn’t even make on his own, and that I didn’t look hard enough for him.

“You had to have loved me at some point.”

I shake my head, as tears fall gracelessly to my cheeks, allowing my provoked irritation to answer for me. “I can’t believe you didn’t give me the choice. I would’ve been there for you. I could’ve been something that helped a little, maybe, I don’t know.”

“You were. In the only way you needed to be.”

“No, in the way you wanted me to be. I needed more. I needed you, Cal. You freaking went to war. I could’ve lost you forever and went my whole life with this empty space in my—”

“I wasn’t going to leave you,” he argues as if he was going to be the one to make that choice. “Not again. You were what got me through it. All the loud nights of bombs and tanks. The days where my brothers and sisters died. The months that passed where I didn’t know how much longer the war was going to last and I’d get to see you again.”

“Then why didn’t you come back for me? It’s been years, Cal.”

“I’ll get to that.” He releases a strained exhale followed by a sigh. “It’s just hard.”

I can’t even stomach the things he’s seen. The fear he must’ve felt and how he was alone with no one. Where the enemy was trying to eliminate him from ever coming back to the States.

“It’s okay, Laynee.” He steps forward, causing my frame to outwardly cringe at how he’s trying to comfort me instead of the other way around. “It’s over now.”

---