Page 132 of Deceit

And my child also doesn’t merit someone like me who shouldn’t be a mother.

It’s not as if I had a great role model with mine. The boys can’t stand how I come down hard on them when I believe they’re about to make a stupid decision.

I’m not built for this.

I’m not made for Bishop.

Alexander deserves better—period.

And I’m a wrecking ball for throwing everyone in a mixer and messing with their lives.

“I...” Alexander remains so still that it ramps my anxiety up a notch. I’m about to rip his feelings through his chest like Bishop did to me and stomp all over them. “I don’t...know...whose child this is.”

“You’re...still sleeping with your husband?” The flash of disappointment and shock on his face immediately makes me embarrassed and resentful.

“Soon-to-be ex...husband.” I ball my hands into fists to keep my strength within my body. “It’s not like when we’re together that we...him and I are...it was me fucking up. I thought...my heart has a problem with holding on to hope.”

“Okay.” And that’s all he says, still standing in front of me and surely getting lost in his own thoughts. I’m in uncharted territory, but I feel like I’ve been through it and in it for years.

“We should talk about this,” I finally force from my throat. “Go ahead and get dressed.”

“I’m good right here,” he retorts, then gestures for my bed. “Why don’t you take a seat so I can pace the room like a nut job.”

“I think I need to pace too.”

He nods and waits for me to speak. Thing is, I don’t know how to start or what to say.

The room fills with deafening silence. I can hear the fridge in my kitchen hum, someone slamming their car door outside, and my pulsing heartbeat in my ears.

“I sent my husband divorce papers today,” I force from my throat. “Regardless of the child being his, the marriage is over.”

“You did?” Alexander shows shock amongst his features above all things he may be feeling. “Shit, Emmy...that’s a big deal.”

“Don’t get too excited, he might not sign them right away.”

“It’s still a step,” he counters. “One for you mainly. It demonstrates that you’re ready to move on with another chapter of your life.”

I shrug. “Sure.”

“Well…however you want to do this is up to you. Are you...going to keep it?”

Tears burn the back of my eyes, but I shove forward with honesty. “I’ve thought about it. I just don’t think I can live with myself if I don’t keep it.”

Alexander begins to walk my floor, back and forth, for a solid minute before speaking again. “I think that’s a good idea.”

“Listen, we...I messed up. This isn’t something you signed up for. And I think we should—”

“What did I sign up for?” He rubs the dark stubble of his chin. “Shit happens. I mean, it’s not ideal, but life throws you curveballs. I just never thought I’d be a dad, to be honest. I never put too much time behind it.”

“This is, by no means to pressure you into anything.”

“I know. But I’ll stay with you as long as you need me.”

I frown and shake my head. “Why are you like this? Why are you so good to me? I’m selfish and cruel to do something like this to you.”

He shrugs. “Did you sleep with him before or after you called me your boyfriend?”

“Before.”

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