Page 107 of Bona Fide

? With or Without You —U2 ?

The wind clatters the windows,frosted over with the snowstorm outside. It matches me, I feel cold inside. My body is weak from the chill that lingers outside from being so high up in my penthouse. The lights across the way from other buildings flicker and dim. The storm coming and going in large spurts across the sky.

And I want to go with it.

I want it to blow me away and freeze my entire self until I can’t feel anymore.

Everything doesn’t just hurt, it aches and feels. My energy is nonexistent, I don’t think I’ll ever leave this couch again. I’d rather just wither and die here alone with memories and faded thoughts just to pass some of the time.

But even then...my traitorous mind always goes to that memory. The one Reagan sent me three days ago with her being fucked by, not just one, but both Hardison brothers at the same time.

Followed by: You’re dead to me.

I am. No longer am I alive or conscious. The days blur into nights and back again. I only know one trail, and that’s to my bathroom and back. I didn’t hear all of Emmy’s words when she started coming over yesterday in a panic.

I want this over.

I want it to all stop.

I don’t want to think anymore, just be here with no one bothering me.

Wade Lockwood, whatever was left of him, he died the moment I saw Grant and Jed thrust their dicks into her. When her soft moans echoed around them and into the speaker of her phone as she begged them to fill her. The deep pitch of their groans as they took what they wanted.

Used her, fucked her, owned her.

I never thought someone could get underneath my skin as deep as Reagan has. I knew I loved her, that I’d do anything for her. I just never realized how quickly my body and mind could shut down just to survive because it had to. Yet it wouldn’t fully power down as much as I wish it would.

Nothing would ever be the same.

I couldn’t even fake a smile if I wanted to. I couldn’t bullshit myself in a conversation to win votes and be what the people wanted to see—a human. Someone they could relate to.

But I’m below them. So deep under the surface that the sun doesn’t warm me anymore. The coldness permeates through my skin, making everything solid and unmoving from being so frigid.

I just don’t want to be in this world anymore.

Any world.

Nothing lies for me here. Everything is taken and sold off. Each emotion I have has been ripped into pieces, and I don’t have the spirit to put it back together because some of those fragments were burned never to be whole again.

I’ll never be whole again.

“Wade, please, for me. Just a bite and I promise I’ll stop bothering you.”

Emmy.

Damn, why couldn’t I just love her? Loyal and fierce, through thick and thin. A warrior and protector all in the same body. Except I haven’t done half the shit to Emmy that I’ve done to Reagan.

A fork shows up in front of my face, the smell of fried rice filling my nostrils as I avert my gaze from my assistant.

I just want her to leave and forget about me.

“You can’t stay like this forever,” she chides gently. “I know it’s hard but…” She carries on, I don’t listen to the rest. There’s no point. Nothing will ever change how I feel. No component will tweak a spark in me to get up and try again.

I’ve tried—twice—and failed both times.

Except the devil wanted to stay and take the rest of me down to hell with her.

“All you have to do is say the word, Wade,” Emmy alludes. “And I’ll make it happen.”

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