Page 69 of Bona Fide

He knows what he’s asking me to do—admitting.

His warm breath grazes my skin, coaxing me to say what he needs me to say. He loves me, it’s been repeating in my head all week.

I love him too, but I can’t put myself in that vulnerable state. He already has control over my body. I won’t let him have power over my heart.

“Two words,” Wade urges, still lowered on his feet. “I’m not.” My next inhale is a shaky one. I want to say them but at what cost?

“I...I—” He straightens his spine, rising up to ascend over me. One of his hands cups my cheek, the other attaches to my waist. The glint in his face is softer as he brushes the pad of his thumb over my cheek.

“I’d do anything for you,” he quips gently. “And I want to know that I’m not the only one who feels something—that’s all. I’m letting my guard down a little to let you know that this is real for me. I would give this all up, Shelton. I will drop out of this thing if you just tell me—”

“No,” I chide. “You can’t drop out of the election.”

“You mean more to me, Shelton, so much more.”

“And you want me to what—” I shrug. “—sit back and let you give up your dream?”

“I just want to know that I own a piece of you that no one else can have like you do for me. That’s all.”

“That’s all?” My words barely come out as a whisper as he lowers his head to mine.

“That’s all, baby.” His lips gently press into mine, persuading me to open wider so he can take what he needs—me.

He wants something that I’m not ready to give. The only thing I can offer is my body because I need everything else to keep me sane—alive. He could do so many things to the vital organ I know he wants to touch, leaving me at his mercy.

Not in this lifetime.

I may have given it to Jed once upon a time, but I destroyed us. Right now, I have too much riding on the line. But since I’m older, wouldn’t I have more common sense? More drive to get over a heartbreak? I can drink for fuck sakes, so there’s always that.

“You’re thinking about it too much,” Wade mutters, pressing his forehead to mine. “Who’s the guy inside?”

“Andy, he’s my best friend.”

“Do you…” He knows not to finish because it’ll send me reeling back into a hostile mood and two steps back from the progress we’ve made.

“No, he’s gay,” I reply. “But if you’re interested…”

He smiles. “I’m good, thanks.” We stand in muffled chaos of crickets and a dog barking obnoxiously somewhere in my neighborhood. A car drives by and reality creeps its ugly head back between us again.

“I’m going to get going before your friend and your food gets here.” He moves away from me, and I instantly miss him.

It shouts more than it should. That he means something to me, an entity to my everyday life. I let him seep into my veins yet I keep fighting it.

My traitorious hands grip the lapels of his suit, tugging him back into my space as I press a kiss to his lips. Large hands grip my waist again, tugging me into his body as our breaths, mouths, and hidden desires mix together.

I wish I could admit out loud that I have a greed for this man who puts a front up for everyone in this world but me.

I envy not being able to forget the last few weeks as much as I want to. It’d be so much easier.

“Get inside,” Wade finally orders, brushing my arms with the palms of his hands. “It’s cold out here.”

“I’m…” I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I can’t fully forgive you.

I’m sorry I can’t give you my heart.

I’m sorry you’re going through shit.

I’m just sorry.

He gives me a weak smile before saying, “I know.”

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