Page 90 of The Blood of Gods and Monsters

“I’m not.”

“Then are you so heartless that you’ll turn him away—turn all of us away because you don’t want to deal with the idea of a relationship.” As Ruen speaks, he uses the same tone that I had before when he says the final word.

I lower my arms to my sides, wetting my lips with the tip of my tongue, and inhale a breath before slowly releasing it once more.

“How many Mortal Gods have you watched die in the Academy?” I ask.

Ruen’s head goes back. “What does?—”

“Answer the question.”

His lips part and after a moment, he responds. “Dozens, at least.”

“And how many of them did you care for in some fashion?”

The silence that follows is answer enough. I nod. “That is why I avoid it,” I tell him honestly. “You’re right—we are trapped in this deal, for lack of a better word—with Caedmon. He could decide that we’re not what he needs to make the future he wants come true. He could betray us to the God Council. He could kill us all.”

“Kiera—”

I hold a hand up, stopping him. “Vincere aut mori.”

His eyes darken with confusion. “What?—”

“In the old language, it means ‘conquer or die,’” I answer his unfinished question. “We have not conquered anything, and death hovers over each of us. It doesn’t make me a coward to want to protect myself, Ruen.”

“Yes, it does.” His argument is swift. “The uncertainty of life means that you should take everything it gives you with both hands, not run from it in fear of getting hurt.”

My chest is caving in. I look down and it seems the same. Whole. It’s not. “I can’t.” I can’t.

Blood-soaked snow. Black cloaked bandits. A house on fire. The old memories cling to the raw inside of my skull, molding into my bones with one understanding.

Everyone can die. Everyone can leave. Trust no one.

Even Regis had taught me that in the Underworld. Regis, who had eventually betrayed me. Regis, who now may die—another loss on my conscience.

When Ruen lifts a hand to me I step out of reach. “I am sorry that I hurt Theos,” I say. “But I will never be sorry for protecting what’s left of my heart.”

“I see.” Fury lights the fire in Ruen’s eyes, turning the storm into a sea of red. “So, you don’t wish to be vulnerable then.” He nods, and for some reason, I feel my skin heat. “Yes, I see,” he repeats, seemingly more to himself than to me. “You’re not a coward then, you’re just weak.”

“I am the furthest thing from weak.” The words cut through me like the edge of a sword.

Ruen sets his gaze on me once more. “You’re glass,” he half whispers as if imparting a secret.

“Don’t you dare?—”

“What?” He cuts me off. “Treat you like glass? Why not when that’s what you are—beautiful, broken glass.”

I sneer at him, but his next words stop me from responding. “Glass is fragile until it’s shattered, and after that, it becomes sharp. Deadly.” My heart beats a steady rhythm in my chest, in my ears. “That is what you are. Shattered. Sharp. Deadly. And … a pretty little liar.”

I turn away from him, unable to see the look in his eyes anymore.

“Thank you for the information,” I say, ignoring his words and not deigning to give them a reply. “But I think you should leave Niall out of it now.” Even if Ophelia was right and servants make the best spies, I’m tired of watching those around me die.

Ruen doesn’t respond, but I’ve said all I need to, so I turn and leave him behind, sliding back through the stacks until I reach Kalix. When Kalix spots me, he leans away from the bookshelves and follows me to the exit. A figure appears in the doorway as we pass through and I glance up, absently expecting another student. My heart slams against my ribcage as a familiar pair of golden eyes land on first me and then Kalix.

Azai.

Kalix pretends as if he doesn’t even notice his father’s presence and merely nudges me to keep going. I place one foot in front of the other, not even aware of my direction and it isn’t until we’re halfway back to the North Tower that I wonder if Ruen ran into their father in the library.

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