Page 12 of Dare To Break

Pressing my lips together, I glare at her. “What’s wrong with having goals?”

“It sounds like too much effort.” Elena laughs. “You need to start using your natural assets. Now they’ll get you somewhere.”

“My natural assets?”

She gestures at me with one hand. “You’ve got a pretty face. Decent boobs. Thank God you aren’t flat-chested. We do need to do something with your hair, nails, and clothes before you leave for school, though.”

“What’s wrong with my clothes?”

“You live in yoga pants and hoodies. They aren’t sexy, and they certainly do nothing for your figure.”

I drop my hands into my lap and play with the hem of my t-shirt. “I’m happy with the way I dress. It’s comfortable.”

Elena’s lips turn down. “You’ll never get a boyfriend if you don’t put some effort into your appearance. Let’s go shopping!”

When I don’t reply, she pouts. “I’ll buy you some ice cream.”

I roll my eyes. “You can’t bribe me with that. I’m not six anymore.”

“We can get coffee instead, then. You drink that now, right?”

It’s on the tip of my tongue to say no, but a tiny part of me ignites with an eager delight that she finally wants to spend time with me. I can count on one hand the few times my mother has taken me out. Everything was left to Mrs. Goldmann when Elena left me for weeks on end in her care. Her neglect has been interspersed with moments of gifts and normality when she bothered to come home.

My protective walls cave. “Fine.”

***

We traipse back into the house hours later. Elena has two of the maids helping her carry the dozen bags she’s brought back. What I hoped would be a mother/daughter shopping trip turned into me watching her try on outfit after outfit. She bought dresses, shoes, and bags, and only at the last minute seemed to remember we were out to find me clothes. I spent thirty minutes in one shop, and the only thing I purchased was a pair of new sneakers.

I wince at the dull ache of the migraine behind my eyes.

Elena drops two of her bags onto an antique chair in the entrance hall. “Maybe you can borrow a few of the things I bought.”

“No, thanks.” I hide my pain behind a wall of indifference.

Flipping back her blonde hair, she pins me with a questioning stare. “We still had fun, right?”

My answering smile is tight. “Yeah, it was great.”

“When you’re on break from school, we can go shopping again.”

“Sure.” I turn toward the sweeping staircase, where Eli is observing us from the doorway to the entertainment room. He flicks his lip ring with his tongue, his eyes watching us with a burning intensity.

I ignore him and take the steps two at a time until I hit the upper landing. All I want is for my head to stop throbbing, and for the quiet of my bedroom. Eyes half-closed, I kick off my sneakers, drop my bag on the floor, close the bedroom door, and throw myself face down on my bed.

Why had I expected Elena to be any different? She made me feel like an accessory while she flirted with the male store clerks.

Is it too much to ask for her to see me? Really see me. Not the girl she wants me to be. The younger version of herself, ready to make the same life choices and mistakes she did.

I am not Elena.

I am not my mother.

I shouldn’t be starving for the attention of someone who barely gives it to me.

Yet even that truth whispered in my head doesn’t stop my heart from hurting. I’m desperate for the connection we should have. The bond I’ve seen my friends share with their mothers.

Maybe it’s me? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I’m just unlovable, and that’s why my mother acts the way she does. Could that be the reason our relationship is so fucked up?

---