Page 20 of Dare To Live

“You are Sin, remember? How many times did you remind me of that?”

“Not enough for it to matter.”

It takes a while to get him across the room and back down onto the mattress. The sheet is twisted to one side, and his clothes are discarded on the floor. He groans,

I stare down at him, worry gnawing at me. “I’ll be back. Stay right there.”

I go into the kitchen and fill a bowl with cold water, then take a clean hand towel from the bathroom. Returning to the bedroom, I sit beside him on the bed and sponge his face and chest, in an attempt to bring his temperature down. He moves toward the coolness every time I stroke it over his skin.

“It’s going to be okay,” I whisper to him. “I’m not going to leave you. I promise.”

“But you did.” His eyes slid closed. “You left me a long time ago.”

He’s delirious, and even though part of me knows he’s saying whatever comes into his head, I can’t stop myself from answering. “You didn’t give me any choice.”

“There’s always a choice, Ari.”

“That’s not true.”

“Why?”

“You know why.” I run the damp cloth over his forehead, pushing the hair plastered to it aside.

“I thought you loved me.” His voice is low and tortured, ripping at my insides. “But you didn’t. Only Kellan saw me for who I was.” He rears up. “Kellan? Where’s Kellan?”

My heart twists with pain as he calls for his dead best friend, and thrashes from side to side.

“I’ve got to find him.”

His swinging arm narrowly misses my face. “You need to rest.” I push him back down to the bed.

“The chapel. He’s in the chapel. I have to go and get him. Before Evan … No, I can’t be late …””

I’m not going to fucking survive this. I’ve relived this in my nightmares, and I’m not ready to go through it again with a delusional Eli.

“Kellan is right here with Miles,” I lie, hoping it will calm him.

He pushes up again and tries to climb off the bed. “I need to wash my hands. They’re stained. I can’t get rid of the blood. So much blood.”

Climbing on top of him, I straddle his hips, and push him back down. “Kellan is safe. He’s safe.”

“Why can’t I find him?”

“He’s right here with us, and he wants you to get better.” I frame his face with my hands, and whisper to him over and over, while I stroke his cheeks, damp hair, shoulders, and chest. “I’ve got you… please stop. Please, Eli.”

His expression contorts with pain. “Kellan!”

He fights against me, but he’s too weak.

“Let me die.” His hand lifts and tangles with the padlock hanging around my neck. “Then I can be with Kellan, and my parents. There’s nothing for me here. Just let me die.”

I fight to stop from crying at his anguished plea and untangle his fingers from the chain. I remove it and slip it into my pocket. I don’t want him to rip it off or accidentally strangle me with it. After wearing it for so many years it feels strange not to feel its familiar weight.

He slowly quiets under my caresses and reassuring words, and eventually I can crawl off him and return to sponging him with the cloth. When the water loses its coolness, I go to the bathroom, tip it out, and refill the bowl from the cold tap.

Eli rambles continuously. He was never a big talker when we were together, that was Kellan, and the sound of his voice shreds my emotions. Sometimes he talks about his dad, others about me, but mostly about Kellan and Zoey. It’s not all reliving the horrors he’s been through. Some of it is of the time they spent together. Happy moments he’s remembering in his fevered mind.

I listen in silence, my heart breaking for him all over again, only speaking when his agitation returns, and it feels like hours before he finally slips into a fretful sleep.

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