Page 72 of Just Between Us

I never expected to enjoy the feel of his blood on my hands, and I never expected that it would change everything between my family and I. If I knew what was to come, I’d have taken what Nick gave me without making a sound.

***

It has been five days since Levi left and I can barely breathe. It’s like some important organ has been ripped from my body and I’m left with the pain and emptiness of its absence. A part of me wants to blame it all on opening up our relationship but whenever I do that, I feel ten times worse because this is no one’s fault but my own.

I lied. I hid the truth from him and inadvertently I think I also drove Kai away. Levi has barely spoken to me. All he’s asked for is some space and I know I should respect his wishes—I am—but he’s the air I breathe.

I’ve barely slept without him, and I know I look like it, but I just need to see him which is why I’m sitting at the back of a buzzing café, a few tables away from Levi and his dad.

I’ve had Daniel and a security detail watching him to make sure he’s safe, but today, I just couldn’t take it. I had to see him and now I sit far enough from their table, dressed in an inconspicuous black hoodie and a baseball cap to hide my face.

Around me, the café is busy with the Saturday brunch crowd. The sound of voices and plates creates a chorus in the industrial-designed space. It gives me enough cover to take him in fully. He looks tired, with dark circles under his eyes and the colour on his usually bright face a little sallow. He still looks like my Levi though, still perfect. When he smiles at something his dad says, warmth spreads through me.God, I’ve missed that smile.

The way he looked at me the night he left made me sick. I’ve been naïve—I know that because how can someone as good as him ever want someone like me? And Kai, Kai is worse. He is so unbelievably good and that sick part of me wanted to ruin him, just because I knew I could.

I’ve had Daniel checking on him too and he’s reported nothing is out of the ordinary. I’m not sure how I should feel about that, it should be a good thing that this didn’t fuck up his life too much. But I miss him too, even though I still haven’t made sense of my feelings for him. Feelings I didn’t know I had until he left.

I focus back on Levi. If I could, I’d take him back home now without giving him a choice. I’ve spent the last week fantasising about taking him to a private island and keeping him there until he agrees to love me again. But those are my impulses talking. It’s the last thing I should do.

When they finish their meal, I watch him stand, and his dad pats his back before they leave the café, walking out into the watery April sun. I sit there for a second, my chest tight. I don’t think I’ve ever felt the heaviness of loss so deeply. It’s unbalancing and unfamiliar. Doctor Phillipe said I wasn’t capable of this so why does it feel like a weight has settled on my chest and it won’t ever let me get back up?

“Oh, shit!” A voice full of disbelief comes from someone in front of me. I look up from my cap to find a red-haired guy dressed in shorts and a t-shirt even though it’s not that warm yet. He looks about my age and I think I recognise him but I’m not sure from where.

“I’m so sorry, do we know each other?” I ask politely.

The guy laughs, shaking his head. “Of course we do, mate. It’s me!”

It hits me. Nick’s childhood best friend. He spent summers with us. He was there the night of the fire. He told the police I did it.

“Charlie,” I say. I try to smile but that’s the last thing I want to do right now. I can’t conjure up golden boy Cole.

“Yeah!” Charlie says excitedly. “Oh, mate, it’s good to see you. I’ve been practising mindfulness recently and it made me think of my past and everything I’ve done.”

I frown, wondering where this is going.

“My guru says we need to seek forgiveness from those we’ve hurt to truly move on and that got me thinking about you. Maybe I manifested this,” he laughs awkwardly. “But uh, I’ve been meaning to apologise for that night. For the fire, I mean. Everything that happened was incredibly fucked up.”

“What?”

Charlie frowns. “Wait, Nick never told you?” he asks. “Shit, man, I…”

“Told me what?”

He looks around the café, rubbing the back of his flushed neck. “Uh, maybe I shouldn’t—”

“Told me what, Charlie?”

I watch him as he shuffles his feet, his face now ruddy and slightly sweaty. “It was Nick,” he says after a moment. “He started the fire, Cole. Not you.”

An explosion goes off inside me. It’s like my heart stops and starts again. The room around me spins, bile rising in my throat. I can barely see straight, can barely breathe.

“Nick and I were just messing around with fire starters and petrol from the garage and things got out of hand. Next thing you know there was fire everywhere. Nick said we should tell everyone you did it,” Charlie rushes out. “I was ready to tell the police everything, but he stopped me. I—I was scared, you know?”

My mind drags me back to that night. Charlie was staying with us that summer and I remember looking at him wondering how he was able to grow a moustache so young. Then one night, our house went up in flames. Nick and Charlie told my parents I did it, but I could remember none of it. I tried to tell them but after Socks, I’d lost all points with them.

My mother insisted I go back to the hospital to see Doctor Phillipe. That’s what was in those reports Nick sent me. It’s all in there, the days I spent in that place, being asked questions I had no idea how to answer. Eventually, I shut up because maybe I was a monster who didn’t remember trying to kill his own family.

“I promise I didn’t know he would lie and say you did it intentionally,” Charlie is still speaking. “I didn’t think they would send you to a psych ward either. I’m so sorry, Cole. I can’t imagine the fucked-up things that happened to you in there.”

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