Page 73 of Just Between Us

Memories of Doctor Phillipe and that ward that smelt of medicine and chemicals flood my brain all at once.

“Did you want your family dead, Cole?”

I was never able to recall how that fire started. Even in my nightmares, I was always in my room alone, plumes of black smoke creeping in under the door until they wrapped around my bed completely.

I’ve never been able to remember it because I didn’t do it.

It was Nick all along. It’s always been Nick.

“Did he tell you why?” I ask quietly even though I know the answer to that question.

Charlie shakes his head. “He just said you would get away with it–that you didn’t matter. I thought it was a joke, man, just some stupid sibling rivalry. I didn’t think—”

I laugh quietly, shaking my head.

I feel manic. Everything I’ve ever thought about myself since that night isn’t real. I want to punch something, maybe Charlie here but I breathe in through my nose to stop the rage that bubbles inside me from spilling out.

“You okay, mate?” Charlie asks awkwardly.

I stand from my seat, looming over him. He’s short with thick muscles to make up for his lack of height probably but I think I could strangle him right now and watch the life seep out of his eyes.

Instead, I smile. “Thank you for telling me this, Charlie. I really appreciate it.”

“Wait, Cole. So do you forgive me?” He asks.

I don’t bother answering. Instead, I take a deep breath, relax my shoulders and walk out the door.

Despite the cool breeze, my skin is burning up. I clench and unclench my fists as I make my way to my car.

Nick says I wear a mask, hiding some awful monster inside me but whilst I don’t think he or Doctor Phillipe were necessarily wrong about that, I had a handle on it since what happened with the rabbit. When I realised how unacceptable it was to do that, I made myself perfect, studied reactions, made friends, and made sure I was always charming and nice.

When the fire happened, I thought I’d slipped up, that the monster I’d tamed had reared his head and acted without my knowledge, but it was always Nick, pulling the strings behind the curtain.

I should kill him. I should ruin his life as he did mine.

But I just feel sick, like I’m being held upside down and everything I’ve always known is wrong. I want to call Levi, I want to tell him everything, but I can’t. He deserves the space he asked for even if my world is falling apart without him in it.

I pull out my phone and call Kez instead.

She answers on the first ring. “Are you okay?” I can hear the concern in her voice.

“How soon can you get to the gym?” I ask. I think I need to punch something, and Kez is always up for sparring.

“See you in ten.”

Chapter Nineteen: Kai

Levi hasn’t been to the office in over a week.

I know this because I check every day like some sort of pathetic puppy that has been rejected by its mother. I don’t even know why I keep looking out for him, or why I keep checking my phone hoping he’ll ask me if I want to grab lunch. Or that Cole will message me about the book he’s reading.

I was right—they don’t feel anything for me.

I wish I wasn’t though. For the first time in a while, I wish I was dead fucking wrong.

Marie wasn’t too surprised when I told her the truth. She had only nodded and shrugged a shoulder. “That makes sense,” she said. “It was kinda obvious there was something more between you and Levi. You looked at him like he hung up the moon.”

Sometimes I want to entertain the idea that maybe he did like me, even if just a little. Surely, he had to like me to some extent to want to have sex with me—both of them must have. In those quiet moments, watching movies, or when they’d smile at me, I could believe it. But Adam’s words ring in my mind and I halt that train of delusion. Either way, it doesn’t matter, they let me leave.

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