Page 128 of Love to Hate You

I nod as we fall in line next to one another. Already this interaction feels painful and awkward. So many times, I remember him reaching out and grabbing my fingers, giving me a sweetly crooked smile.

He doesn’t do that now. His hands are tightened fists that hang at his sides. Not once does he glance my way as we walk to the table that is furthest from the path and the other students who are either working or eating lunch.

I drop my bag onto the bench and we take seats on opposite sides.

He clears his throat. “How have you been?”

This forced dialogue sucks. It was never like this between us. Not even when we were sniping back and forth at one another.

“Fine,” I say.

There’s no way I can tell him the truth. That I haven’t been fine at all. I feel like a big enough loser. The whole conversation with Dr. Stein has slammed that home. Which I’m grateful for. Maybe now I can stop chasing after a guy who doesn’t want me.

Taking me at my word, he nods and looks away.

I force myself to ask, “What about you?”

He shrugs. “I’ve been better.” Emotion flickers across his face before being tamped down.

I wait to see if he’ll elaborate, but he doesn’t. I’m beginning to wonder why he asked me here in the first place.

Carter glances at his hands which twist together on the table. “I’m sorry about what happened. None of it was your fault. It’s mine.”

“What exactly was your fault?”

He shakes his head. “All of it.”

I lean forward and rest my elbows on the table. “Are you talking about almost hitting that guy?”

He flinches. “Just…everything. It’s pretty clear that I can’t be involved in a relationship. I knew that going in and I ignored my better judgment.”

The way his eyes plead with mine for understanding nearly breaks my heart in two. But he needs to hear the truth whether he wants to or not.

“What happened wasn’t your fault, Carter,” I say. “That guy wouldn’t leave me alone. I told him politely, more than once, that I wasn’t interested. He should have walked away, and he didn’t.”

“I almost hit him.” His voice breaks, and his gaze drops to his clenched fists again.

“I know.” I reach out and lay my hands over his. I’m surprised when he doesn’t pull them away. The physical connection feels good.

“When I saw him yank your hair…” He shakes his head as if he doesn’t want to relive the memory again. “I lost it,” he rasps.

“No one blames you for that.” Not wanting him to get tripped up in the memories, I squeeze his fingers.

“I blame myself.” He swallows, and his face loses some of its sun-kissed color. “Throwing a punch because I’m angry is exactly how my father would have reacted.”

“You stopped yourself from doing it, Carter. That’s something your father never would have done,” I remind him.

He bites his lip as hope and doubt flicker across his face. For a moment I wonder if maybe we’re making headway. But his next words prove just how wrong I am.

“I can’t be in a relationship right now.” His gaze locks on mine, arrowing right to the heart of me. “I can’t be with you.”

What he’s saying rips all my hope to shreds. My first impulse is to reason with him, but I can talk until I’m blue in the face and that won’t change his mind. Carter believes that he and his father are cut from the same cloth. Nothing I say will change that.

It saddens me because nothing could be further from the truth.

There’s a viciousness to Philip Prescott that Carter could never possess. I’m not only heartbroken for myself, but for Carter as well because he’s cheating himself out of something wonderful. He’s unwilling to open himself up and take a chance.

The years he spent sleeping around and avoiding relationships now makes so much sense. Again, I’d assumed he was like a lot of guys around here, wanting to screw as many girls as possible, but that’s not the case. His issues lie so much deeper than that.

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