Page 114 of Sweet Madness

As I watch her fumble before my eyes, it takes everything I have not to pull her into my arms and make her pain go away. I love her fiercely and I will love her for the rest of my life, in silence and from afar. But I know what she doesn’t.

One day, she will look back at me as just part of her story and realize I was a painful lesson—or maybe, with her sweet heart, she’ll remember me as a beautiful chapter.

But her life isn’t here. Her school and her dreams all belong to another city, while Montana is it for me. I’m not young anymore. I’m not chasing dreams or trying to reach the sky. My place is here, where I can breathe freely and wake up to the quiet beauty of nature instead of the busy streets and flashing lights of a city I no longer crave.

Ella, though, belongs to beautiful cities filled with interesting people where she can thrive and pursue her dreams. As much as it tears me apart inside, I believe that letting her go is the only way to ensure her happiness and her dreams, even if it means sacrificing my own. Because that’s exactly what Ellaiza Kenton is to me—my dream.

“Do you love me? Do you love me?” Her question plays through my mind in an agonizing loop. Looking into those deep blue eyes of hers, I feel suffocated by the pain reflected back at me. I can’t do this. Fuck, it hurts. It hurts to even breathe. More tears fall from her eyes.

That does it. I’m dying inside, but I can’t let her leave without at least knowing that her love wasn’t wasted. My gaze softens as I reach out, brushing a stray tear from her cheek. “I’ve never loved anything or anyone more than I do you, Ella,” I whisper hoarsely, my voice thick with heartbreak. “But I can’t give you the life you deserve. You’re young, moonshine. You still have so much to do and see. You deserve so much more than what I can offer here.”

Her teary eyes search mine desperately, pleading silently for me to end both our pain, to keep her. Hardening my heart, I tell her, “Leave.” My voice is harsh, even cruel.

Crack. I can feel my heart breaking, and I can only stand back and let it bleed dry. “Coward,” the sweetest creature I’ve ever known whispers with tears in her eyes, breaking me further.

She’s right. I’m a fucking coward.

With a heavy heart, I step back and watch as she stands there, looking so beautiful but breaking before me. She looks down, wiping the tears from her face, and I have to bite my tongue to keep myself from shattering my unfeeling facade.

“One day,” her voice trembles with anger and heartbreak as she lifts her tear-streaked face to meet my gaze, “you’re going to wake up alone in a colorless and cold world without smiles and laughter, and you’ll miss me. But most of all… you’ll regret ever letting me walk away.”

Her words knock the wind out of my lungs and hang heavy in the air because she’s right. Tomorrow, I’ll wake up alone without her smile and light, and I’ll grieve for her love.

A moment of painful silence passes before one of her brothers steps forward and gently places a hand on Ella’s shoulder. “Ella, you should grab your things,” he says quietly, though his eyes burn with anger at seeing his sister in pain.

The kid is the quiet one with the permanent scowl on his face. Kael.

“I don’t want anything. Throw it away,” Ella says, then takes a deep breath and hardens her gaze. I deserve it. I deserve her anger and so much more. “Can I take Poppy with me?” she asks quietly, her voice betraying her.

The goat. Of course she would want to take her.

“Of course. She’s yours.”

Ella stands still, nodding silently as if she’s waiting for me to say something more, but I don’t. So she turns her back to me and walks towards her brother and my cousin but stops halfway. “Kiss Peppermint, Geraldine, and Peanut goodbye for me and tell them I’ll miss them,” she murmurs softly over her shoulder, her words feeling like a knife to my heart.

With a final, lingering look at me, Ella straightens up and follows her brothers towards the door. Each step she takes away from me tears my heart out and shreds my soul into tiny pieces until I can’t see her anymore.

She leaves. She fucking leaves, and the ache in my chest feels like I’m having a heart attack. My knees will soon give out on me. Motherfucker.

“You’re a fool, just like her father was when he let the love of his life walk away,” Benjamin mutters, his voice low but filled with accusation and disappointment.

I clench my jaw and bite my tongue, my own turmoil mirroring the storm brewing in my cousin’s eyes. I know Ben has always been protective of Ella; he’s like a second father to her. He has loved and protected her since she came into his life when she was only a few months old. He has every right to be pissed off at me. If someone had hurt someone I loved like I’ve just hurt Ella, I would have reacted the same way.

Looking my cousin in the eye, I say through gritted teeth, “I know I fucked up. But goddamn it, I’m trying to do what’s best for her. Her father was right. She deserves better than me.”

Benjamin shakes his head slowly, his expression unyielding. “Fuck you, man. Do you truly believe this is what’s best for her?” he challenges, his voice rising with frustration.

I hesitate, my gaze drifting towards the door through which Ella has just departed.

“I don’t know,” I admit finally, the words heavy with uncertainty. “All I know is that girl has my heart.”

My cousin’s expression softens slightly, a flicker of understanding crossing his features. “You’ve already lost so much, man,” he says quietly, his tone gentler now. “You deserve to be happy, too. Fuck what anyone thinks. Love isn’t always easy, but it is always worth it. And let me tell you something… that girl will always be fucking worth it. I just hope you don’t realize that when it’s too late.”

With those parting words, my cousin exits my home.

I swallow hard, the weight of Ben’s words sinking in, but it’s too late. The color of my life has just left with my heart.

Space Note

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