Page 112 of Kadra: The Unfeeling

I feel wetness on my cheeks. Dammit, I’m crying again. This man has turned me into a crybaby. This is a travesty.

I feel his thumb stroking my cheeks and wiping away my tears. “I don’t like tears, love. They make me twitchy. Give me a name.” I laugh and more tears fall, a genuine smile curls my lips. Of course, he could make me feel better without trying. Only Vitali could make me cry and laugh at the same instance.

“You can’t solve all my problems by killing them,” I whisper.

A determined look crosses his eyes and his eyebrows draw together. “I can and I will.” He growls looking slightly offended. I never thought Vitali Solonik was adorable but to me he is now. “I’ll burn the world down if it makes you feel safe.” He vows so fiercely that I feel it down to my bones.

He could be sweet if he wanted to but then he said things like this reminding me that I love his rough edges too.

More tears fall. This crying thing is getting ridiculous. But I can’t help it. No one knows just how much his words mean to me.

We fall into an easy silence for a few seconds before Vitali speaks again. “Let me in, kotyonok. Let me love your demons too…” he says roughly while holding me closer.

There’s that word again. Love.

Once upon a time, I thought love wasn’t in the cards for me but then my Russian blew up all my plans and brought me back to life alongside all the feelings I tried so hard to kill before they ended up killing me.

Vitali’s gentle touch on my cheek makes me feel safe and sound as I debate what to do. He doesn’t rush me. He just holds me in his arms and waits patiently.

Will he still love me after he sees what lies beneath? Will he love the good, the bad, and the in-between?

Let him in…

Taking a deep breath, I lower the last wall that I built so long ago around the memories that tormented me daily. The memories that made it almost impossible for me to breathe. When I told Vitali that I didn’t want to feel I meant it at the time. Part of me still feels that way because the moment I utter out loud my darkest secrets I know there’s no escaping the pain. I don’t know if I can survive it but then I look up into those gray eyes that have saved my life more than once and I find the courage to let him in.

I hold onto him as I open the Pandora box inside my head that’s been dragging me underwater for so long. I just hope by the end, he looks at me the same way.

While looking into his eyes, I whispered. “I was fifteen…” I choke up and then watch Vitali’s eyes turn dark. “I just wanted you… I wanted the peace you gave me but you weren’t there.” I can’t hold it in. “You weren’t there.” A sob breaks free when the image of my younger self broken with a bleeding heart roaming the cemetery searching for what I craved most flashes through my mind.

* * *

Kadra - 15

I spent all my life trying to keep my head above water hoping that if I swam hard enough then one day I would finally get to the shore. Life doesn’t work like that. At least for me, it doesn’t.

You should be grateful someone is willing to fuck you…

It’s a pity you’re not Arianna but this will do.

His voice plays through my mind on a painful loop, taunting me and breaking what’s left of my heart.

I shouldn’t have gone to that stupid party. I didn’t want to go in the first place but I couldn’t ignore the text message Arianna sent me asking to come get her. I should have known it was a setup. Arianna is not the type to ask for help. Ever. But I couldn’t take the risk of ignoring her. All I could think about was if she needed me. If something were to happen I would have never forgiven myself and here I am a month later. Broken beyond repair.

I’m not the same as before that night.

I can’t bear to look at myself in the mirror.

I can’t even look my sisters in the eyes when we’re in the same room.

Why me?

I think to myself as I run through the black metal gates that lead to the cemetery. The wind whooshes, blowing my hair in all directions and the leaves on the ground crumble under the force of my boots. I run towards the only safe place I’ve ever known hoping today will be the day he’ll come. He always appears on my birthday.

The only silver light all these weeks has been him. His eyes. His silent strength.

Rain begins to pour as soon as I reach Amadeo’s grave. Looking up at the sky, I think to myself that’s exactly how it feels inside. Dark. Cold. Angry.

“I can’t do this anymore, Amadeo.” I drop down to my knees and place my hand on his gravestone touching the letters of his name. “I want to rest in peace…” I choke, as more rain falls harshly, soaking me.

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