Page 93 of Bastian

Still looking up at the sky, I ask. “What do you mean?”

“The night I lost my parents was the night you were born, and there was a full moon then. Same with the first time I saw you and the first time I made you mine.”

The planetarium, he means.

The moon and some constellations were shown there while we spent the night together. Memories I buried so deep inside my brain hit me at full speed, and I am left with no choice but to allow it.

It’s like I’m that girl again. The girl who thought the man in front of her was the moon, stars, and all that hid in the dark shining so bright.

He was everything to me. Dammit.

Staring into those blue-gray eyes of his I could get lost in forever, I try to calm my racing heart, but nothing works. Not counting to three or the breathing techniques I was taught in therapy. Nothing. “Why am I really here, Sebastian?” Setting the statement down on the table next to my plate, I blurt out.

“I don’t want you to be anywhere else.” He answers without breaking eye contact.

“Bullshit. Try again.” I snap, unable to process the mess in my head. A part of me believes him, and the other is deadly afraid to fall for his games again. “What do you want from me?”

“I want your love.” He answers.

I inhale and exhale slowly, feeling the sting of his words. “You had it, and it meant nothing to you. Try again.”

“I want all of you. Your love. Your heart. Your time. Your good days and bad days. I want to be your passion. Your first choice. Your main reason for breathing.” He says hoarsely while his eyes search for something in mine.

“You were all of that, Sebastian.” I let him see all the hurt his lies caused. I let him see the mess I am now. “You were all of that to me and more, but you threw me away like I meant nothing. Just like everyone I ever cared about has done.”

Hurt flashes through his eyes. “I lied about a lot of things, yes. But never about loving you. Baby, never that. Please understand that all I wanted for you was better. I wanted you to—”

Hitting the table hard, I lean closer, feeling all the emotions coursing through my veins, clouding my judgment, or maybe it’s the alcohol. Maybe both. “Don’t you see it? All of this. The things you say. The things you do. It hurts.” Hitting my chest, where my heart beats. “It hurts here.” Then with the same hand, I touch the side of my head. My temple. “And here.” I choke out. “Because you broke me. You broke me so terribly that I don’t know what’s true anymore. I struggle every day to trust not only myself but everyone else.” I grit out. Hurt, so hurt. Before my tears fall, I storm off towards the seashore, barefoot and embarrassed.

Embarrassed about my outburst.

I don’t know what to believe anymore.

The feel of the warm water touching my feet calms my heart, and the breeze helps me breathe easier. The beach has always had that effect on me.

Feeling Sebastian at my back, the same way I feel the wind on my face, I let the tears fall when he whispers in a broken voice. One I’ve never heard before. One I wish to never have to hear again. “Fight me. Tear my heart out. Rip it out of my chest and watch it bleed down at your feet if that’s what you wish, but don’t run away from me. Fuck, baby, don’t run away from me.” His chest rises and falls rapidly, and I feel him at my back. “Don’t turn your back on me, please.”

Finding my voice, I reply. “Funny since you’re the one who turned your back on me. You’re the one that didn’t fight.”

“If I could go back, I would choose differently. I would have chosen love instead of acting out on the crippling fear that was consuming me. I could handle the world badmouthing me and speculating shit they know absolutely nothing about, but when I saw you get hurt because I wasn’t quick enough, I felt like that young boy who had everything he ever loved ripped out his hands so cruelly. I was afraid.”

“The Great Sebastian Kenton afraid?” I scoff painfully.

“Terrified, darling.” He whispers. “Then I heard what you told Ellaiza that night, and you know, these are not excuses, believe me, but maybe you can understand why I did what I did, however stupid it was.”

Turning, I face him. My heart racing when I see his solemn expression. What did I miss? “What are you talking about?” I search his eyes and watch him cringe.

“You wanted that for her, and fuck, I wanted the world for you.” He breathes out and looks up at the sky while I look at him. “I didn’t want you to end up like my mother and then regret me later. I didn’t want to watch you die in my arms as I did her. I was afraid. So fucking afraid to lose you, and in the end, I lost you just the same.”

Grabbing his neck, I force him to look down at me while I rise on my tippy toes. “You were all I had,” I whisper brokenly. “But what hurt me most was realizing I wasn’t all you had. That I was so easily forgotten.” Tears, stupid, frustrating tears, sting my eyes. “You weren’t the only one scared. I was too, but I chose to put all my faith in you. I chose to believe we would be alright, but you didn’t. You walked away and now look at us. We’re broken. Never to be the same again.” His blue eyes flash with determination.

“We can’t turn back time. We won’t ever be the same. This I know but we can be better.” Our lips are a whisper apart. Our noses are so close they almost touch. “We can be better.” He repeats.

We stand there, chest to chest, with only the moon, stars, and the serene sea, and I wonder if maybe this all needed to happen for me to finally be in a place where I no longer had to fear raising my voice and making my own choices. Maybe in his own misguided way, he gave me my wings back when I thought he ripped them off my back. Because yes, I’ve been dead for three years, but I also managed to conquer my fears, speak my mind, and make all my dreams come true. Still, I would’ve traded it all in a heartbeat for those three years with him. With Ellaiza. With Benjamin. With the life I once had with them. In a heartbeat.

Because nothing meant more to me than them.

Nothing.

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