Page 13 of Bastian

I was trying to be the better man.

A good man worthy of both of them.

“She misses you, too. That, I am sure.”

“Is she done reaching for the stars, daddy?” Her face crumbles when she asks.

Fuck.

I lied the day I told Arianna that Ellaiza was young and she would easily forget. I was an asshole and didn't mean it. That was just the nail in the coffin.

Just what I needed for her to leave.

And I haven’t stopped regretting it since. And that is my penance to pay.

I did keep their memories together alive in my daughter’s mind. Not a day went by that I didn’t bring up Arianna in conversation or showed my daughter pictures and videos of them.

My daughter knows who Arianna is to her.

Her mother.

That will never change.

Nor time or distance.

I made sure of that.

But as she got older, she started asking questions. The questions that are getting harder to answer every year. Kids her age have their mommies, and she doesn’t, so she asked, and I told her the truth.

That Arianna is reaching for the stars. She’s away following her dreams, but she will come home.

God, I hope she comes home.

I made this bed of lies and regrets, and now we all must lie in it.

The bile in my throat as I smile through the little white lies has me feeling like the biggest piece of shit on the planet, but I do it anyway to keep my child from pain.

“She will be, and she’ll find her way back to you.” To us is on the tip of my tongue. “She’ll be back, my heart. She loves you too much to not come back. Trust me. Trust her.”

Ellaiza smiles more genuinely now. “Okay. I believe you.”

“Good.” Bending over, I kiss her forehead and linger a second longer, taking in her sweet scent. Pulling back, I notice something silver sticking out from under her pillow. Reaching for it, I see it’s a framed photo of Ellaiza and Arianna in Paris. One of the many I took back then.

I had it framed for her even when it killed me to look at it. It reminds me of what I’ve done.

“I like holding it. Just like Mr. Bugs.” She raises her hand, showing me the small pink rabbit Arianna gave her when she was a baby. Fuck, I can’t breathe, but I smile anyway. For her. Always for her.

“Let’s place it on the nightstand so it doesn’t break, yes?” I place the frame next to her night lamp. “There. You can see it every time you close and open your eyes.”

Ellaiza nods, looking up at me from the bed.

“Get some sleep.” I kiss her one more time and walk toward the door, but before I step outside her room, her sweet voice stops me.

“Daddy?”

“Yes, my heart?”

“Did you kill your speeches?” She asks, sounding so much like the men on her security team.

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