Page 120 of Bastian

Not him.

Never him.

Not again.

I don’t think I’ll survive this time.

* * *

The second I enter his room, my eyes instantly well up with tears at how tragic the air feels in this room.

“This was not necessary at all, Benjamin. You are so extra sometimes.” I grumble when Benjamin pushes the wheelchair towards the bed where the strongest man I have ever known is lying, fighting for his life. The moment I am close enough to touch him, I do. Taking his big hand in mine, I choke on my tears.

I have suffered a lot throughout my life but nothing like this. “You said we had forever…” A large ball clings to the back of my throat, and I don’t hold the sob that slips from my lips at the view in front of me. Sebastian lies on the hospital bed with tubes in his mouth and nose. Bandages covering his naked chest. Even his slightly golden skin is pasty and his beautiful face is too colorless. He looks as if he’s giving up. Leaning forward, I bring his hand to my mouth and kiss it, feeling dead inside and tired. So very tired. After I cried my eyes out upon hearing about Sebastian’s slim chances of survival, I haven’t been able to stop crying. The only reason I don’t crumble is because I know him. I know my tyrant. “I am so sorry, baby,” I whisper not caring that Benjamin is witnessing this. “I should have known better. I should have never let go of your hand. I am so sorry. Fuck, just open your eyes, Sebastian. Open your eyes and tell me I was an idiot in that condescending way only you can pull off.” I laugh through my tears, remembering all our fights and silly arguments in the past. It all seems so pointless now that we’re here in this heartbreaking moment. “I didn’t get to tell you just how much I love you, Sebastian. I think I loved you before I even knew what love was.” Taking a deep breath, I carry on, holding onto his hand and looking at his pale face. “I never told you this but that night back in Detroit on the plane track was not the first time I ever saw you. No. The first time I saw you was when I was a young girl. When I was waiting to be seen by a shrink per my nonna’s insistence. In the waiting room, someone left a newspaper on the table, and you were on the front page.” Taking a deep breath, I squeeze his hand, needing his strength and the feel of him to continue. “I was so young and so angry, and then I saw you, and I thought to myself how intimidating yet so perfect you looked and how powerful even through the pages of a newspaper. One thing I remember was how your eyes didn’t match your smile. You had a crooked grin, but there was no light in your eyes, just like in mine. There was an emptiness in them. The same emptiness that I saw when I looked at myself in the mirror, and somehow at that moment, looking at your eyes, I didn’t feel so alone. It’s stupid, I know.” I chuckle, embarrassed, even though he can’t see or hear me. “Then the second time I saw you, I was angrier than ever, but your eyes… your eyes were no longer so angry or empty. Then I thought to myself that maybe the anger I carried for so long could fade away. Maybe my eyes could shine like yours did and maybe I didn’t have to feel so damn empty all the time. Even though I was scared out of my mind of letting you in, I did. The anger faded away every second I spent with you, even if I didn’t realize it then. I no longer felt alone or angry. I felt alive for the first time in my life and you did that. You breathe life into me with one kiss, touch and smile at a time. Right along with Ellaiza. You not only gave me life but you, also gave me love. So much love, even when I hated you, I felt your love, so open your damn eyes and come back to me. Love me.” My voice cracks when his eyes remain closed. “Come back…” I don’t miss the click of the door behind me, letting me know Benjamin slipped out. Maybe he can’t handle all the heartache in the air. I sure as hell can’t. It’s suffocating me. The machine tracking his heart activity is the only sound in the room as I sit there holding onto his hand, looking at him afraid to close my eyes. Afraid that at any second, he can slip away.

My dream can slip through my fingers.

Because that is exactly who this man is to me.

Love and hate.

My dream and my nightmare.

The good and the bad.

Sebastian could never be just one thing.

My eyes leave his face and travel down his neck to the bandages on his chest, and there I see something I hadn’t seen before, not really. He always had it covered, and the time we were both naked, it was dark. I could barely see his face. Now I see it, though.

A tattoo of a wolf.

It was big, not just a small tattoo on his body. No, this one looked so real, so lifelike and big, that if you were standing far away, it could pass as a real-life wolf on his chest. The nose and mouth of the wolf stretched from Sebastian’s collarbone down to his muscled chest. It is very intricate and well done, and oh-so-beautiful. Hauntingly so. Then I see the eyes of the wolf. So lifelike, piercing through me. They were my eyes.

Tears fall from my eyes when I remember how I used to think of myself as a lone wolf with only myself to count on, but then he crash-landed into my life, and I found my pack.

He gave me that.

He has given me so much.

Now, he gave me life again.

A little life.

“Sebastian…” I whisper, kissing his hand without looking away from the wolf on his chest. “You need to wake up. I…” Taking a deep breath, “I’m pregnant.” Deep in thought, deep in my pain I almost miss the squeeze of my hand. Gasping, my eyes leave his chest and rise to his face, and I swear my soul almost leaves my body when I see blue-gray eyes looking back at me. Piercing my heart just like the wolf on his chest.

He is awake.

He came back to me.

To us.

Smiling wide, I laugh softly. “A baby,” I whisper, shaking my head. “Can you believe it, Tyrant? We made a human. You and me. As if the world needed more of us.” I tell him playfully. I hold my breath for what seems like an eternity when his eyes crinkle at the corner, but not in pain, no.

His eyes are smiling at me.

My strong and brave man has not given up.

He squeezes my hand, and I feel like I am finally waking up from this nightmare. I let go of the breath I’ve been holding and feeling, and it all starts to feel right again.

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