Page 43 of Back Home For Christmas

“Alright, fine. But it does seem like you care a lot about what’s happening with Darren, Jay and the store.” she said. “It is easy to blame Jay. Any maybe he did fuck up your chance at a scholarship, but you are the one who chose to give up, Cat. There are more paths to a dream than one.”

“You are one to talk, Jenna. You gave up on the bakery without ever trying,” I said.

“Wow, that was low,” she said.

“I’m sorry. I’m a terrible friend,” I said. Jenna had dreamed of opening a bakery her whole life in the same way I had dreamed of being a photographer. I knew how hard following a dream could be. “I just didn’t need a lecture here. Everything sucks.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to lecture you. I just want you to be happy, and you haven’t sounded happy in a long time,” she said. My stomach dropped as I thought back through our recent conversations. Did I sound unhappy? Was I unhappy?

“What am I supposed to do? I am stuck,” I said. “I’ve backed myself into a corner. I spent so much time following what I thought were opportunities without ever stopping to think about what I want. Jay has been asking me for two days what I want, and it should have been an easy question, but every time I answered he poked holes in what I say, as if he knows anything about me at all. He is so infuriating. He acts like he knows everything, but he knows nothing.”

“Jay was asking you what you want? Why?” she asked.

“I don’t know. Why does he do anything he does? Maybe I can hide out here until the street fair is over,” I said, miserably.

“I think you need to have a conversation,” she said. “You can’t leave with things up in the air.”

“Alright,” I said, but I wasn’t making any promises. I wasn’t entirely opposed to running far away from my problems. That was one of my talents. And maybe Jenna was right that I wasn’t entirely happy, but that was just a facet of being an adult, right?

“Text me and let me know what happens,” Jenna said, standing.

“Okay. Good luck with the rest of the night,” I said.

“It’s going to be terrible,” Jenna said. “I’m not looking forward to it.”

“Oh and Jenna?” I said before she was out of ear shot. “You are the most amazing baker in the world. You are going to open the best bakery Cape Shore has ever seen.”

She smiled and crossed her fingers before leaving. I stayed on the meditation pillow, avoiding responsibilities. I flipped through some books about how to find yourself, which only left me rolling my eyes at the vague advice like make your bed in the morning or go for walks.

I spent as long as I could sitting in the hidden corner, watching stray shoppers walk through the store. Every so often, October walked by, asking if I or someone else needed help. I always suspected October was an interesting person, but I never really got to know her.

Eventually, I felt bad that I was camping out in her shop, so I pushed up off the floor, my butt hurting a little from sitting for an extended period of time.

When I walked out, it felt even colder than it had earlier. I pulled my coat tight against the blustering wind, picking up flurries of snow to whip them around my face. The brass band drifted to meet my ears as I slowly walked down the sidewalk.

Chapter Thirty

I couldn’t bring myself to go back to the shops, spending the rest of the evening avoiding everyone felt too heart breaking. Once again, I went to a home that felt far from welcoming. I sighed. I could have started a fire and put on a movie, but I didn’t feel festive at all.

I woke the next morning to the smell of bacon, pancakes and coffee tempting me toward the kitchen until I remembered I was avoiding everyone. I pulled my door open a crack to see whose voices I could hear downstairs. “Carol of the Bells,” drifted dramatically upstairs and drowned out any voices I might have heard. So I dared to step out of my door toward the bathroom when I heard Darren’s voice come in a loud whisper behind his bedroom door.

“It’s fine. You are my girlfriend,” he said.

“It’s awkward,” Aubrey’s voice came next. Ew. I hurried into the bathroom. It was a tie between her and Jay over who I wanted to see least. When I thought of Jay, and the way he looked at me with such utter disappointment and disdain the previous day, I felt sick to my stomach. I made my shower as long as possible before getting dressed and tip toeing downstairs, hoping everyone had cleared out.

What I saw instead was a formal breakfast around the table. With Jay, Aubrey, Darren, and my parents.

“What is going on here?” I asked, thankful that I had at least showered. Once again, I had the overwhelming desire to fuck politeness and run out of the room.

“It’s Christmas Eve,” Mom said, as if it was obvious.

“I’m going to take a plate to go,” I said even though I would probably just grab a coffee to keep the contents of my stomach from coming back at up.

“Where were you last night?” She asked.

“I visited with Jenna then came home,” I said. The room erupted in angry, outraged chatter between Darren and my parents. Aubrey and Jay both remained silent. I noticed Jay hadn’t looked at me once, and I was angry at myself for being hurt over that.

“You stayed home during the fair?” Mom said.

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