Page 41 of Back Home For Christmas

“Get out,” I shouted.

He turned to go, hand on the doorknob before he stopped and turned to me.

“What do you want, Cat?” the phrase was so similar to what he had said the night before that my cheeks flushed, and my body instantly ran warm with lust. Stop it! None of that.

“I want to get out of here. I want to get away from you.” I couldn’t stop the tears.

“That is something you don’t want. What do you want?” He asked, emphasizing the want as my body betrayed my mind.

“I don’t know,” I had to admit.

“Maybe you should figure that out before you start throwing away everything you have.”

“I don’t have anything, thanks to you,” I said.

“Maybe you do, but you are too stubborn to recognize it,” Jay said. “Everyone is expecting you at the fair.” With that, he turned and walked away, leaving me absolutely gutted.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

After Jay left, my phone buzzed none stop. I looked at it the first few times. Angry texts from Darren, a few from Mom, a concerned text from Jenna. That was low, getting my best friend involved.

I put it on silent and lay back in bed, wishing I could fall asleep again, but I had already taken an afternoon nap and there was no way I was falling back to sleep.

“I should finish my essay,” I said, sitting up with renewed fervor. This was it. This was my chance to put all the family drama aside, sit down at my computer and type out the end of the essay I had cobbled together.

“I can always revise in editing,” I said as I pulled out my little white pottery barn teen chair and opened my lap top which had been neglected for too long. My document was still opened. I was ready to type. There was no point in mourning a dream that had died a long time ago. I had a new dream now. A dream to get the hell out, for good. To prove to my family, and everyone that I could make something practical and successful of myself.

I stared at the page, rereading the last few sentences, waiting for inspiration to strike, but nothing did. My mutinous thoughts kept slipping back to Jay, and the way my heart hurt more than I thought it should. I had only been with Jay for a day. Why the hell did all of this bother me so much? True, I didn’t often sleep with men casually, but still, I was an adult. I could handle a little casual sex. But it did bother me, a lot. It bothered me that I was sitting at home while my favorite part of the holiday season passed by. I used to spend the night of the fair and the party taking pictures. Everything looked even more magical through the lens of my camera. Tears burned my eyes before I shook my head.

“It was a long time ago, Cat,” I told myself. Still, it hurt like a fresh wound. I couldn’t help but wonder if it hurt more because it was Jay, compounded with the failing store, the loan, Aubrey somehow pulling her evil little stings in my life again. It all felt like more of a burden than I should have to carry.

Then I was right back to where I started, wondering why I cared so damn much. The answer was obvious, but I refused to admit it. It didn’t matter. I would finish my essay, graduate, get a job and stay far away from the beach. Maybe I would even find a nice, respectable man, and live happily ever after. I didn’t need the Christmas shop, or the long passed art show, and I certainly didn’t need Jay. But even as the thought came to me, my throat closed up with emotions.

I stood from my desk and paced the room. I couldn’t stay there. I got dressed into something more festive, that I hadn’t been wearing for twenty-four hours and threw on my coat. I would find Jenna. That was what I needed. I had to talk to someone sane, removed from the nonsense.

The wind hit me with a harsh bite as I stepped outside. The ground was still covered in snow, but the streets and sidewalks had been cleared, which made it feel picture perfect. The smell of fires warming hearths filled the air, and if I had been in a better headspace, I would be perfectly content to enjoy the day before Christmas Eve. When I had stopped appreciating my life? When I was younger, nothing could have gotten in the way of the holiday season. Somewhere along the line, I had turned into the grinch or scrooge, only seeing the negative.

I had a plan. I would enjoy the street fair with Jenna. My essay, my uncertain future, my miserable love life—if that’s even what we were calling it, my crazy family, could all wait. Still, as I got closer to the festivities, the crowded cobble streets, the twinkling lights, the brass band playing “O Come, All Ye Faithful,” the Christmas tree reaching for the sky, all pulled me out of my funk despite Jay’s words haunting me. What did I want? I thought wanting to prove my family wrong about me was enough. I thought getting out of Cape Shore was enough motivation and purpose to build a life around, but now, being back here, I was starting to doubt that. That nagging feeling that I was missing a piece of myself came into focus.

Jay had tried to do the same thing. He had tried to hang his happiness on fulfilling the expectations of his father and the hopes of impressing his mother, and of course, that didn’t work. He had been doing it his whole life, and as far as I could tell, it made him a miserable shit.

“He is a miserable shit, Cat!” I whispered to myself. “Stop feeling sympathy. He never felt any for you.”

I weaved through the crowd, letting the revelry wash over me, trying to distract from the lump in my throat. I couldn’t keep crying over Jay. That would be too pathetic, even for me, I had done far too much of it already. I took a different way onto the Main Street, so I could avoid the family shop and booth. I didn’t need a lecture or to get pulled in to helping. And I absolutely could not face Jay.

Jenna’s family’s booth had a wooden frame, decorated with a pine garland and twinkling lights. They sold a limited, food truck style menu of lobster rolls (of course), fish tacos, fried chicken, and meatballs parmesan sandwiches—all of it delicious, I had no doubt.

“Hey!” It was Steve’s voice. When I turned, I saw him standing behind the booth with Jenna. She served food, and he served drinks asa line snaked away from them, waiting to order.

“You guys are busy,” I said, trying to keep the disappointment out of my voice. If there ever was a time I needed my best friend to ditch all her responsibilities, it was now. I sighed. She likely didn’t want to be busting her ass behind the counter, but she couldn’t get out of it, no matter how much I begged.

“It is unreal,” Jenna said. “How’s the shop doing? Darren was looking for you.”

“Yeah, I heard. I haven’t been there.” That was all I needed to say for Jenna to suspect something was up.

“Oh,” she said, narrowing her eyes. “You’ll have to tell me about it later.”

“I hope you have a lot of time,” I said with a smirk. It was all incredibly laughable that so much had happened in the last twenty-four hours and somehow my best friend didn’t know anything about it.

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