Page 39 of Back Home For Christmas

“I was there. I tried to stop him, but you know, he is kind of an asshole. I would have told you sooner, but I assumed you knew,” she said.

“But why?” I asked. Jay had always been a jerk to me. He had teased me and called me names, but to ruin my photographs? To ruin my chances at the art scholarship, at the life I had dreamed of? That was evil beyond what I thought he was capable of.

“I only bring it up because I worry about Darren.” Either I was too shocked by the last revelation or Aubrey wasn’t making sense again. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but it was so middle school, mean girl of her to drop little bomb shells without explanation as I floundered to catch up. It left me in a constant state of turbulence and confusion.

“What does any of this have to do with Darren?” I asked, fighting back tears. I could not, under any circumstances, cry in front of Aubrey. I had to find a way to end the conversation as soon as humanly possible. I should have just turned and walked away. Fuck politeness.

“The thing you have to understand about Jay is that he likes things the way he likes things. I dated him for a long time.” Something I didn’t need to think about in that moment. Why was she talking to me about Jay at all? Did she somehow sense that something had happened between Jay and me? Or was she just a terrible person? Or had I misread the situation, and she genuinely cared about Darren. I didn’t feel equipped to parse through Aubrey’s code. “He has a way of manipulating people and situations to benefit himself. I don’t know why he ruined your photography submissions. Maybe he thought he was helping me somehow, but normally his only motivation is himself, so it must have been something. I’m not saying he is an altogether bad guy. He did help Darren out after all, but I just…Darren is vulnerable right now. I would hate to see Jay step in, and steam roll the situation or use it to his own advantage. He is unpredictable.”

I kept going through the motions of setting up the booth, moving as quickly as my freezing fingers and numb mind would allow. I had to be done. I had to set it up and get out of there. I had no idea what situation Aubrey was talking about, and I didn’t want to ask her and look like I was out of the loop. We may not have been in high school anymore, but the rules of engagement still mattered. I couldn’t entirely concede the upper ground and announce my ignorance. So instead, I would cut and run. I strung some lights, set up a mini train set with a twinkling tree, and placed out the merchandise with as much thought as my brain was capable.

“I guess my advice to you is to be careful,” she said as if I had asked for her opinion. “Maybe he has changed. I know he likes to think that he has. He can have his moments, but at least in my experience, his moments were always, in the end, about getting what he wanted. And what he really wants is anyone’s guess until it’s too late. I tried to tell Darren all of this. I tried to warn him not to take the loan from Jay because Jay only cares about himself when it comes down to it. Darren wants to believe the best of his friend, but it’s going to turn messy. I just know it. Anyone who can do what they did to you without so much as a second thought, would have no problem backstabbing his best friend. Maybe you can talk some sense into him. What he wants with Jay’s money or partial ownership of your parent’s store is anyone’s guess.”

By the time her speech had finished, the booth was mostly set up. Jay and Darren could do whatever they wanted to it. I didn’t care about the sales or the booth or showing up Jay or my essay or anything at all besides getting the hell away from Aubrey, so I could try to process what she was saying.

“I can try,” I said. “Well, I think I’m done here. I’m going to head back home and get warmed up. It’s been a long twenty-four hours.”

“I bet it has,” she said with a lift off her eyebrows, as if she knew exactly what had gone down in the hotel room. And just like that, as much as I tried to stay above it, I was right back in high school trying to survive the subtle take downs of the most popular girl in school. Retelling the interaction was impossible because it would lose the sharp sting that I felt in real life. But anyone who had ever been in an unspoken match of insults with a mean girl knew. Knew the look, the tone, the eyebrow raise and the sinking shame of not having a comeback or worse, the shame of caring so damn much.

“Yep, I gotta go,” I was numb. I had to stay that way until I was behind closed doors.

“I didn’t mean to upset you, Catherine,” she said. “I’m just trying to help.” It was the same thing she had said when she told me I smelled in freshman PE.

“Thanks,” I said before turning and high tailing it out of there. She had already won. Nothing else mattered except never seeing her again. Maybe I could pack my bag. I could beg Jenna to take me in. I could run back to school and live out of my car, traveling across the country, seeing the sights. I could take Jay up on his offer to bring me to the city. With the thought of Jay, I nearly drowned.

How could I have been so damn stupid? How could I have actually believed that he liked me? That he had changed? That he gave a shit? I should have known that it was all an act. I still didn’t understand what the hell he stood to gain from getting me into bed. While I knew it was stupid to trust Aubrey out right, because she too had a bad habit of being a manipulative bitch, I also couldn’t argue with the evidence. It wasn’t an over statement to say that he had ruined my life. He had shifted the entire trajectory I had been on. I would have won that contest. I would have gone off to study art. I could have been happy. Hot tears streamed down my face as I hurried home.

And he had been the one to give Darren a loan? What were the terms of the deal? Was sleeping with me somehow a means to an end in that? It made me sick to my stomach. My feet carried me home as my brain found a thousand reasons why I was the dumbest person to ever exist. I pushed open the door to a cold, dark, empty house. Everyone was out getting ready for the start of the holiday street fair.

It used to be my favorite time of year, now everything was awful. It was hard to see past the embarrassment and self-loathing that brought tears to my eyes, making my vision blurry. I hurried to my room, closed the door and lay on my bed, feeling very much like a teenager all over again. Would I ever be done feeling this way? Would I reach a magical point where shit rolled off my back? When I could have conversations without sounding like an idiot or replaying them again and again to scrutinize everything I said?

The worst part, by far, in all of it was the real feelings I had. Jay dancing with me. The playful teasing in the car. The coffee in the morning. The car snacks. The night. That amazing night where I thought I would simply die if I wasn’t with Jay.

I had spent my whole life being carefully guarded about my feelings only to let my walls down for Jay? For Jay? I could have screamed. Maybe I should have gone downstairs and found my mom’s wine or my dad’s scotch that he kept for special occasions and drank my thoughts away, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that either.

We were two days away from Christmas, then my final essay would be due. I needed to figure out my future, where I would live, what I would do. It all felt so incredibly bleak. And despite real life crashing me down, all I could think about was stupid Jay. How had it come to this?

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Somewhere in my obsessive thinking, my brain shut down, and I fell asleep. It had only been midafternoon, but I hadn’t slept much the night before — don’t think about that—and stress made me tired. I woke to the sound of a gentle knocking on my door. I groaned. There wasn’t a single person on the planet that I would be happy to see. I didn’t even think I could face Jenna because that would mean I would have to tell her everything.

The knock came again. What were the chances I could ignore it? I looked at my phone; 3pm. I hadn’t slept enough. The fair was starting. The booth would be open for better or worse. For a split second, I panicked that I should be there. Then I came to my senses and thought Darren could go screw himself. He hadn’t been telling me the truth since I got home.

He had allowed me to believe Mom’s fantasy that he was this infallible golden child who managed to increase profits exponentially, letting me wallow in my jealousy and personal failings. He didn’t warn me that Jay would be here, and then he let Jay and I go traipsing across the shoreline for chocolate, which of course ended in the worst decision of my life, only to come home and have Aubrey, of all people, drop several bombs, some of which still weren’t entirely clear. No, I had a lot to be pissed off at Darren about.

“Cat.” Shit. It was Jay.

“I’m not here,” I said. The knob turned, and then I was sharing my cramped bedroom with Jay. He closed the door behind himself but stood close to the doorway.

“What happened?” He asked.

“Nothing happened. Why did something have to happen?” I knew I was being defensive, but I couldn’t help it. I felt so exposed, so vulnerable. Part of me wanted to scream at him and another part of me needed him to get the hell away from me. I never wanted to talk to him again.

“Why did you run off from the booth? Everyone is looking for you. Aubrey said you got upset and left but wouldn’t elaborate,” he said.

“Of course she did. She is just so terribly concerned about me, I’m sure. You know, you two were perfect for each other. I don’t know why you ever broke up,” I spat out, standing up, so that Jay wasn’t towering over me anymore than he normally did.

“Cat, what are you talking about?” He asked.

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