Page 36 of Back Home For Christmas

I was too busy making a stupid list in my head to notice Jay’s movement beside me. When I did, it was too late. He lay there, eyes open, looking at me.

“Stop over-thinking,” he said.

“Easy for you to say,” I said. “I am sure you do this all the time. But I don’t. Oh, my God.” I lifted my hands to my face again. “Can we just not talk about it?” Then my phone buzzed. My head swiveled so fast, I could have given the girl from The Exorcist a run for her money. “It’s Darren,” I whispered, as if Darren could hear me through the phone. “He cannot know.”

“Answer it,” he said. “He’s probably worried.”

“No, I am not ready. I haven’t prepared a lie.”

“A lie for what?” He asked, propping himself up, revealing his bare chest. Holy shit, was he still naked? That’s when I looked down and realized I too was still naked. I yipped and pulled up the blanket, covering my breasts. Jay let out a little laugh and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry or punch him or both.

“For this,” I said, gesturing between us.

“I don’t think he knows about this yet,” he said.

“No, not yet. Not ever,” I said. “Oh God, this is just going to be another thing that you hold over my head and use against me, isn’t it?”

“I have no idea what you are talking about. But as far as Darren and anyone else knows, we drove out to get the chocolate and got snowed in,” he said.

“Right, that’s right,” I said.

“No one has to know until you are ready,” he said. Maybe it was meant to be strangely comforting, but there would never be a time that I was ready.

“Alright, we have to go.”

“You have to call Darren.”

“You call him. Tell him I’m asleep. No wait, you will tell him the truth. No, you aren’t allowed to talk to Darren ever again,” I said.

“He is my best friend. I am going to talk to him again,” he said.

“Not anymore, he isn’t.” I said. “I’m calling him back, and then we are going. Turn around so I can get out of bed.”

He lifted his eyebrows with a smirk but turned around without argument. I stood up and found my tank on the floor, grabbed my pants and hurried into the bathroom, where I showered. It was probably the fastest shower of my life because I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I threw on my day-old clothes, tossed my hair into a bun and walked out with my phone already to my ear. Darren had called and texted five more times since the last time I checked. I passed through the room, went to the door, so I didn’t have to watch Jay look out the window with his shirt off like we had all the time in the world.

“Get dressed,” I mouthed on my way out. I walked down the rickety stairs before winding down to the main floor to find a quiet corner near the fire to talk.

“Cat?” Darren said. As soon as he answered, I felt bad. He sounded so worried. “Where have you been? Did you get the chocolate?”

Alright, maybe I could feel less guilty since it sounded like he only cared about the chocolate. “Don’t worry, I am fine, Darren. Thanks for asking,” I said.

“I figured you were since you finally called,” he said.

“Yes, we got the chocolate. We got stuck here in the snow, but we are heading back now.”

“Will the booth be ready?” He asked.

I sighed. I guess I couldn’t blame him for being stressed. A lot was riding on the next day’s worth of sales. “Yes,” I said. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Alright, hurry home,” he said.

“Will do.” I hung up the phone, angry that I had somehow let myself get dragged back to being in Darren’s shadow. I wanted to help him succeed. I didn’t wish for my brother to fail, but I just wished that my whole Christmas break had turned into helping him and my parents, which had led, inadvertently, to the insane situation I found myself in with the man waiting for me upstairs.

Admittedly, it wasn’t directly their fault that I had no self-control last night, but I think they should take some of the blame, at least. “When I get back, I’ll finish the booth, then lock myself in my room and write my paper,” I promised myself, as the familiar anxiety rose in my gut at the thought of finishing my essay. I could never pinpoint exactly what caused the fear. Was it worry that I couldn’t do it? Fear that it just wouldn’t be good enough? Or was it something else? Something else I didn’t think I could face at that moment, like some sense that this wasn’t the exact right path for me? Even if it wasn’t, there was nothing I could do about it. There was no other direction to go.

“Enough procrastinating,” I said out loud before turning and heading back to the room. Inside, Jay had made the bed and had left out a steaming mug of coffee with my name written on a scrap of paper underneath it. He made the bed…in a B&B…wow. The coffee smelled amazing. He must have gotten it from the kitchen while I was on with Darren. The steamy liquid in my mug was a light brown, the right color. I took a sip. It was perfectly sweet. How the hell did Jay know how I liked my coffee? Was he really some creepy stalker this whole time? Once again, I remembered what he said last night and my whole body went warm as I sat in the armchair, my legs tucked up under me.

When Jay came out of the shower, that was where he found me, still sitting, pondering the previous night.

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