Page 15 of Back Home For Christmas

“Holy shit! How long has that been going on? Oh my God, how did Jay react?” She asked.

“Kind of like a robot, but that’s why I ended up sitting with him. I couldn’t exactly just walk by,” I said.

“Wow, she does have a heart,” Jenna said.

“I guess so. Who would have thunk it?”

“I’m sorry I have been friendly with Jay and that I didn’t warn you that he had been here every Christmas since you left for school. It has been pretty lonely without you, and I still feel like I am trying to figure out who the hell I am and how the hell I should spend the rest of my life,” Jenna said.

“No, please don’t apologize. I’m being a dick,” I said as I turned around and leaned my butt against the sink, crossing my arms over my chest. The bathroom was small with only two stalls and barely room to turn around, let alone fit two people having a heart to heart. “I haven’t been totally honest with you. I know I told you that I am struggling with my final essay, but the truth is that it was supposed to be submitted before Christmas break. I couldn’t do it.”

“Oh no, Cat. Did they fail you?” She asked.

“Not exactly. She gave me an extension until January first, but it doesn’t look great. Although my professor will accept it, I doubt she will give me a good grade, and that’s only if I can manage to finish it. I don’t know what my problem is. I have come this far just to choke. My self-doubt has finally suffocated me.”

“Just because this one opportunity might not work out doesn’t mean that you don’t have others. You could take a semester off, then retake your final class. Or your could transfer somewhere and finish up,” she shrugged. “It’s not like your life is over.”

“I feel like my life never started, and now that I am back here, I am worried I won’t ever get out again,” I said.

“Back here’s not so bad,” she said with her eyes down cast.

“That’s not what I meant,” I said.

“I know. But really, back here isn’t so bad,” she said. A woman with red cheeks, dressed in a glowing reindeer sweater pushed through the swinging door into the bathroom. She startled a little when she saw us chatting at the sink before she ducked into a stall.

“I gotta get back out there,” she said

“I guess you don’t want to save me from Jay, do you? Run interference?”

“Of course not. This is good for you,” she said with a laugh.

“Asshole,” I whispered.

“You love me.” she blew a kiss and made a beeline for the kitchen while I slowly trudged back to the bar. Again, I could have just bailed, but my conscious wouldn’t let me. Besides, I would just have to see him again at home or at the shop. I was living my own personal hell.

When I got back to the bar, there was a fresh Irish coffee waiting for me.

“Thanks,” I said, motioning to the drink even though I wasn’t sure I should have it.

“That was from your good friend, Steve,” he said.

“Oh yeah, he’s my bestie,” I said, taking a sip to relieve the weirdness. The silence stretched again, each of us drinking our respective beverages, waiting for the other to talk. I wondered what was going on in his head. Was he hoping that I would just leave him in peace?

“Did you love her?” I asked. He looked at me like the conversation had taken an unexpected turn and he couldn’t keep up.

“Aubrey?”

“Yes, of course Aubrey.”

“No, of course not.” I had an insatiable desire to know what “of course not” meant. Saying no was one thing, but of course not? That held lots of hidden meaning.

“What about you and Dan?”

“Dan who?” I took a long, slow sip of my Irish Coffee. It was criminally sweet, and I could have chugged it in two gulps.

“Dan Fletcher,” he said.

“Oh My God, why are you asking about Dan Fletcher?” I asked. “I haven’t thought about him in forever.”

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