Page 5 of The Secrets of a Sin

“Your classes were the start to healing you. With distractions such as your meetings and mass, we are slowly able to rid you of this obsession.” He goes on. “But I fear your problem lies deeper than that.” His tone dropped causing my heart to fall as well. “It still lingers inside of you... Just not as dominant as it was before, but it is there.”

“So, what more of me do you want?” I question feeling the anger rise inside my chest. “I do what I’m told, I go to meetings, I’m a straight A student, I do everything I’m supposed to.”

“It takes time, my child.” He reassures me. “Not everyone heals as quickly as they'd like. God has a plan for everyone, just like he does for you. Trust him, trust the process and it will happen.”

Trust the process?

I’ve been trusting the process for little over a year now and I still feel the same dark impulses crawling within me.

“What if I can’t be saved?” My voice trembles. “What if I’m too corrupted?”

“Nonsense.” He scoffs. “You are a child of God, no matter what sins led you here. He sees you worthy of a life free of this addiction.”

I want to believe him. I want to believe that I could be liberated from this sickness, but it seemed the harder I fought to get rid of it, the more forceful it came back.

“Every woman at St. Catherine’s that leaves here is cured.” He tries to comfort me, but I remain doubtful. “Uncertainty fuels your addiction, it feeds off your emotions and strikes when you are at your weakest. Our goal here is to make you strong, Charlotte… To the point that the urges you suffer from can no longer manifest and sabotage all your hard work.”

At this point, I would do anything to fix me.

I would undergo psychiatric care to rid me of this curse if I had to.

“So, you think there’s hope for me?” I sit up a little straighter, dropping the cross from my hold.

“There’s hope for everyone. You just have to find the strength within yourself to be willing to fix the problem.” He sighs.

“What if it happens again? What should I do? Because I’m obviously doing something wrong.”

I wasn’t allowed to have a cell phone or basically any device that had the internet. So, finding distractions wasn’t the easiest thing to do here. Mostly I jogged around the perimeter of the school if my cravings were severe, it seemed to be my only solution, but I feared that soon it wouldn’t be enough.

“Might I suggest finding a hobby?”

My brows bunched together immediately.

“Such as what?” I question.

“Such as anything that will help keep your mind off your impulses. Reading, writing, sports… anything that distracts you.”

Removing my hands from the stand, I stare off in front of me.

“How late is the library open till?” I ask curiously.

“I believe six. Why do you ask?”

Reading.

I was always fond of mystery novels growing up. My mother was a huge fan of them, so every now and then she’d let me read some out of her collection. Once I started high school, I sort of lost my passion for them, but now, that might be my solution.

“I’ll have to stop by there after this.” I admit.

“Just remember you are stronger than you think. Don’t let your sickness win. Prove to others and, most importantly, to yourself that you are a warrior.” His words of encouragement are shocking to hear, when normally I hear the same bullshit words “God knows you can be better.”

After a short prayer and being absolved of my sins, I straighten my skirt and leave the confessional. Sauntering down the narrow aisle of church pews, I feel a burst of fresh energy strike me. I felt like smiling for once.

Leaving the church, I round the corner of the hallway, and notice a body slumped against the lockers with their head faced downward. A curtain of black curls falls loosely into their lap, drawing my attention to her clenched fists in her lap. She was holding something shiny between her fingers, a necklace or some sort of chain that she soon let fall onto the floor beside her.

My feet slowed down to a cautious pace, tiptoeing down the corridor hoping not to disturb her, but her head quickly lifted and caught my stare.

Phoebe Hale.

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