Page 54 of Liaising Kai

“And you, boss,” Austin asked.

“I’m taking some time off. I’m not sure how long. It really depends on what conclusions I come to, but I will keep you posted.”

“How’s Davis?” Amber asked.

“He’s in good shape, and the doctor expects him to make a full recovery.”

She nodded. “Just so you know. We seized ten thousand kilos from the trucks. That’s eleven tons of cocaine worth eight hundred million on the streets.”

Kai smiled, nodding. She headed toward her director’s office. As soon as she was admitted in to see him, he held up his hands. “I know. I know. You’re pissed and rightly so, but I?—”

“Yes, I am, but you don’t need to apologize. This is the way the system works.” She took a breath. “I need some time off.” Her gut clenched hard. She was going to do this. No work to distract her, no interactions or mundane activities to fill her time, and no Davis to lean on, talk to, or fill the void, or comfort her. Not for the first time, she questioned the thought of being alone.

“Oh.” His eyes flashed, his gaze riveted on her. “You’ve certainly earned it, and you've accumulated plenty of time. What do you need?”

She had no clue if this was even going to be enough. Soul-searching. How long did that really take? A lifetime? “Initially, two weeks, maybe some more after that. I can’t be more precise right now.”

His features softened. He had been a very good agent and was an even better boss. “You don’t have to be, Kai. Take the time you need.”

She nodded, her heart twisting. She didn’t want to go back and feel what her younger self felt and hadn’t dealt with. She didn’t want to cry when she faced all her fears. “What did we get from Freddy’s deal?” Kai asked.

“A wealth of information regarding her gang, and that the cartel responsible for that shipment of cocaine is out of Colombia—an up-and-comer, the Alzate Cartel. Apparently, its new leader, Angel of Death, as he goes by filled the vacuum Ignacio “Nacho” Siachoque left when he was taken down recently.”

“Nature hates a vacuum. It will always be filled. It’s a never-ending battle.”

He nodded. “Well, we did our job and we’re out of it now.”

She nodded. It was now up to the attorney general and the justice department to handle the search and capture of Alzate for his crimes. She would have to put Nate and Carter’s justice in their hands.

Her boss’s phone rang, and he answered. “When?” He shook his head. His gaze locked on her, a startled look registering in his eyes. “Thanks for letting me know.” He looked at her. “That was Leigh Waterford. Fernanda Delgato was killed by masked gunmen when she was being transported to the marshal service.”

Kai looked away, her jaw fixed, the feelings of relief and retribution unfolding in her. “Are Leigh and her detail all right?” She waited for the feelings to settle. His affirmation that everyone else was unharmed released the knots in her gut. “Do you think it was the cartel?”

He released a heavy sigh and tipped his head. His voice was quiet when he finally answered. “Not sure. Do you want to investigate it?”

Kai shook her head. “No, thank you. Freddy got what she deserved. As far as I’m concerned, justice was served in her case. We’ll see how it pans out for Angel and his cartel. I’ll see you soon, sir.”

She left the office and headed home, tempted to text Davis and find out how he was doing, but that was only a way for her to avoid thinking about her life and her feelings. She was determined to hash it out with…herself, and there would be no quarter, no distractions or excuses. An equal, involved, and full relationship with him would be her reward.

When she got home, the house felt unfamiliar, empty, and threatening. But that was because she was going to delve into her past and discover her way forward.

She took a shower, washing off the morning’s events. Getting clean made her feel stronger in tackling what she had to discover. She had a light lunch, then went into the living room and looked toward the bookcase. She trembled, her heart already locking up thinking about the photo albums there. Her mom had sent all her things to her when she’d left the Marines. But she hadn’t been able to open those photo albums.

Shaking like a leaf, she went over and grabbed them. This was Allison in still life, her image locked as a forever child. Kai went to the sofa and sat down, making sure that she had some tissues on the coffee table. She swallowed away the feeling that she was being weak. She had a right to her grief, and experiencing it was an act of self-care—something she had denied herself for years.

She opened the album and got lost in the first set of photos. Her and her tummy growing every day, her parents’ shock wearing off as Allison and the promise of their grandchild came to full term. She remembered her terror when she’d found out she was pregnant, the pain she knew she would cause her family, and the hardship she was going to endure as a teenage mother. But she’d loved Travis and he’d been part of everything. It allowed her to indulge in planning her life with him and her new daughter.

But she underestimated her emotions related to the stress and responsibility of raising her child, even with all her support. She felt bereft, alone. She missed her friends, missed her way of life before Allison. She and her mother had argued that morning, Kai not understanding, or realizing, how stressed out her mother was as well. She didn’t have to feel shame over that. It was a natural reaction to being a teenager. She swallowed hard, her eyes stinging and her throat closing up.

She hadn’t had enough empathy for her mother, and her heart wrenched when she thought about how awful she must have felt to lose her grandchild, then her daughter. Her throat was thick with another painful cramp, only this time her vision blurred with tears. She covered her face with her hands. It seemed like an eternity before she cried herself out, her harsh sobs dwindling to the occasional ragged one. Pressing the heels of her hands against her throbbing, swollen eyes, she forced herself to face the one fact that had driven her all these years. Something that came out of all this pain and grief.

Her most basic fear and the one she had been the most scared to face, allowed her to transfer the blame for Allison’s death to her parents in an attempt to absolve herself. She hadn’t wanted to face her own shortcomings.

But as the day progressed into the night, and sleeplessness plagued her, she did that soul-searching, working hard to find her way through the terrible realization of how she had cut her parents out of her life, cut herself off from their support, leaving her feeling so terribly alone, and breaking their hearts. They should have grieved together, worked out all the negative feelings surrounding the accident, and found forgiveness.

That was the way forward. Forgiveness, not only for Allison’s death, but for herself, for that young girl who had to grow up, but one who hadn’t been ready. She was ready now.

She stood at the front window, waiting for the kettle to boil, her arms wrapped around herself, the belt of her robe pulled tight. She felt like she had crossed over to a better place, that teenager inside her had found peace, and Kai was a new person.

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