Page 35 of Liaising Kai

Thirty minutes later, after she’d thoroughly and enthusiastically wrung him dry, he scraped the last of his stubble off his face, rinsed out his razor, and cleaned off the residual soap from the tap of running water. Her soft hand trailed up the slope of his back, and he smiled at the way she touched him, loving the feel of her affection. When he lifted his head, she offered him a hand towel.

“Hmm, I know that CGIS likes all their guys to look clean-cut, but there’s something to be said for your rough-and-tough look.” Before he could take the towel, she cupped his face with the terry and patted it dry. He slid his hands loosely around her waist and smiled.

“When I’m off duty, I can go for several days without shaving.” He waggled his brows, but you’re going to have to see me outside the office. How about that?”

She made a wry face. “You mean date you or something? Hmm, I don’t know.” Her eyes gleamed with humor, but Davis wasn’t one to take things for granted.

“You know if you decide to put on the brakes, change your mind about me, or want to, God forbid, be friends, I will understand.”

“You would be okay with any of those, huh?”

“Fuck no,” he said fiercely, pulling her closer, looking down into her startled face at his response and reaction. “I wouldn’t, but I would accept it, Kai.”

She looked away, breaking eye contact. “I have so much…baggage. I don’t want to burden?—”

“It’s no goddamned burden, babe. You make me feel alive, and I love your courage, your quick mind, and your passion for your job. The fact that losing your child has affected you this way for so many years shows how much you care. To be so confident and in control, with what you do, and with me. What happened last night between us was magic. It’s what I’ve wanted since we met, that deep connection, and now how you can look at me with such vulnerability and anxiety.”

“You scare the hell out of me,” she said.

“You have the power to crush me. But I trust that you won’t. So, we’re even there.”

“Oh, Davis,” she said, her eyes filling. “I don’t know what to do with you sometimes.”

He waggled his eyebrows again. “I may have some suggestions.”

He got an unsteady laugh as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her face into the hollow of his throat. “We’ll muddle through this together,” she whispered, her face wet against his neck, her voice breaking. “I just don’t know if I can promise you anything right now. I’ve just had a revelation about all of this, and I just can’t seem to see my way through to the other side.”

Tucking her head tighter against him, he savored the silky disorder of her hair. “What revelation?”

Kai’s voice was a little stronger when she responded, laced with bitterness. “My parents let me down, and I felt betrayed by them, disappointed that they broke my trust. As you know, I have trust issues. I don’t know how to get past all of the stuff in my head.”

He eased his hold and lifted her face so he could see her eyes. “Forgiveness,” he said, his voice gentle, knowing the power of that process, but also knowing how hard it was.

Her dark lashes matted, her mouth not quite steady, she looked at him, her eyes so sad and lost. “Forgive them? I’ve tried to do it in my mind, but I can’t seem to let it go.”

“No, not them, Kai, although I think that’s part of the equation, you need to forgive yourself.”

Closing her eyes, she rested her forehead against his jaw, and he could feel her start to tremble. “What?”

Ah, damn. She didn’t realize she was blaming herself. “One of the many normal feelings experienced after a child loss is guilt. It’s completely natural to think that Allison would have lived if you had only done something or not done something differently.”

“Forgive myself?”

He knew that was going to be hard for her to comprehend. Not because she would evade the truth, but because Kai had spent most of her adult life believing she was blaming only her parents when deep down she was berating herself. Catching a handful of hair, he tugged her head back, his gaze dead sober as he looked square into her eyes. “Yeah, you said you were in school. You had no control over that. You had to attend high school, right?”

She looked up at him and bit her lip. “No, actually, I was supposed to be home, but I got asked to go out with a few friends.” Her breath caught. She pressed her palms flat against his chest, her face changing, melting into uncertainty, confusion, then another hard dose of pain. Tightening his jaw against the jolt of awareness, and hit with a rush of emotion, he watched her cycle through something deep and personal—another revelation. “Oh, God,” she whispered, covering her mouth.

Whatever she was experiencing and mulling over, it was heavy and impactful. Realizing she was really struggling, he pulled her into a tight embrace and rested his head against hers. Not sure what they were getting themselves into, or how they would come out of it, he let his breath go. “Kai?”

“I was so busy blaming my parents, that I didn’t realize…I was actually blaming myself. All these years—” Tears filled her eyes and ran down her cheeks. “I just wanted to be a teenager. To be free for an afternoon. I didn’t want her to die. Did that make me a bad mother?”

She looked up at him as he struggled with a thickness deep in his chest. He stroked her back, feelings for her crowding in on him. Sliding his hand higher, he rubbed the back of her neck, and he felt her swallow, then swallow again, and he understood how very raw her emotions were right now. His own throat tightened. “No, Kai. You were so young. It’s natural to want to be a teenager after what you went through. It’s a different kind of loss, but it’s a loss. I can’t imagine any of that was easy,” he said, his tone rough.

She shook her head. “No, it wasn’t, but I loved her, and I wanted to be her mother. I just wanted some time?—”

He cupped her face, determined to make her see that everything she was feeling was all natural. He tightened his hold on her jaw, his tone commanding as he whispered, “Of course you did. But you couldn’t predict what would happen. No one can do that. It was an accident, and you can’t change it. You were a good mother. I’m sure of it.”

The look of gratitude that crossed her face gave him hope that she was convinced of that herself. She knew her own heart. She shook her head in disbelief. “I buried all those feelings,” she said absently, like she was trying to rectify everything all at once. “But I realize now that I felt like I failed Allison by wanting some time away from her. It was just too painful to handle that guilt and shame, I just transferred it to my parents.”

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